To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

HT at primary school recommended that DS went to private school. DD was already at her own choice of school - a selective grammar highly regarded then and now. However, at the other end of their education, we paid for DDs MA which rather evened out the spending. We have asked DD and she bears no grudge about not going to private school and feels they each went to the school best suited to them. Equal opportunities doesn’t necessarily mean treating everyone the same.

I went to private because I got through the exams and my siblings didn't. One sibling has been extremely successful without it. The other probably would have benefited from the greater confidence that a private school could have afforded her, but it's complicated. They are aware that I had a better academic start and may have been quietly resentful, but only ever made it clear in a jokey way after a few drinks at Christmas. I certainly was not the favourite child though so there's always that come back.

We did do this. One son was very keen to push himself to the max academically and pushed us to apply for a scholarship- he did get a small amount, but it was only small. The other less keen to go though we did discuss the same route. The inequality has come up from time to time TBH, but on balance I think it was the right thing.

It depends how good the private schools are. If you are talking getting into a Top 50 school, yes go for it. Chances are they wouldn't all get in - they are highly competitive. If you only get one through the exams, you've done all you can.
If you are talking private schools lower down the ranking, don't bother. They are really not worth it, just for the sake of having been to private school.

Depending on where you are, there may be plenty of great state schools too.
I think in the sixth form a great state school can beat even a great private school as preparation for uni.
I think it's only worth paying for the academic side. All those great facilities - yes it's lovely to have, but not vital. If your kids are anything other than perfectly standard kids, some state schools will be better anyway.

It’s as well to remember that private schools are not all the same. Some will have rigorous selection procedures. Others will accept just about anybody whose parents are willing to pay the fees.

I think it’s fine to send one child to private school and not your others in some circumstances. I have a colleague who had a son with SEN who wasn’t coping in mainstream so she moved him to a private school but couldn’t afford to send her other two so they stayed in state where they were both doing fine. Some children might not want to go to private school or it might be a state school can better meet their needs or interests than private. I don’t think just because you are sending one child you have to send any others, but I think that decision should be based on what is in the best interests of each child, not just because you can only afford it for the eldest and so they’re the only one who will have the opportunity. If you can’t afford it for both children it would be better to send neither and spend the money on clubs, activities, tutors etc as and if needed or to send both to state primary and save so you can afford secondary for both. Or if private education is really important to you just don’t have a second child!

Yanbu, I would never do this

I have children in both, but they key difference is that they have all.been offered private. It's kind of evolved like this as.my default would.be state for all. They are all happy and doing well. I would never decide to.just do private for one if I couldn't offer it to all of them.

I would have a significant gap - 4/5 years so not much overlap and send both for secondary only if you can't afford 2 sets if fees at same time, that gives you time to save up.

My brother went to private secondary, I was offered private secondary and got an to a highly selective school, but declined the place, and went to a very average state and got much higher grades and earn much more now than my brother who went to private. But he loved all the sports opportunities in his private school and it suited him much better than state due to his personality.

But you need to be able to offer optionro both

I wouldn't worry too much about it to be honest, have the other baby you want and choose schools in a couple of years when it becomes relevant.

For what it's worth I have three DC, one in private primary because the small class sizes are what he needs, it's the right place for him. The other two are at state schools, one primary, one state grammar, both enjoying their free education and both thriving.

My eldest is only in Yr 7 so we'll see, but I would be surprised if he didn't get good results, go to a decent university and get a good job. He's great at maths and wants to be an accountant. We've never paid for his education. Private doesn't necessarily mean better, it depends on what suits the child.

My parents sent my sister to private school because she was very bright, but struggled socially in state school. I was only a bit above average but fine socially. It didn't cause any issues as such. But looking back it does sting a bit that they viewed her education as a worthwhile investment and mine not so much. It contributed to me not trying very hard at school. I still got good grades. Ironically higher than my sisters. Basically private school did her no favours and the preferential treatment did me no favours.

My brothers were sent to private school and I was deemed not clever enough so went to state . I got a degree and two postgrad quals and do feel my education was more rounded and made me a better person but by god it still hurts and impacted our family dynamics as my brothers thought they were so much better

We have done this and I constantly question if it was right. We have four children and the eldest is at private school. He has ASD and DCD and struggles academically. The other three are very academic. We live in a grammar school area.

DC1 didn't pass the test, but he's not that far behind academically and doesn't have major behavioral issues. So not enough difficulties for a specialist provision, but enough that he would have hugely struggled in the non selective schools near us. He just needs a little more TLC. Which he gets from our local independent school.

Meanwhile my high flying younger ones attend grammar schools (or will) and have money poured into them to try and match the extracurricular opportunities (which DC1 resolutely ignores in private school anyway).

It was a really hard decision to make, but the fact is, children are different and may need different things.

1. Examine your assumptions about school systems, as previous posters have suggested.
2. If you’d like to have two children with expensive educations, but can’t afford that, then have one child. Note that the base school fees cover only a small part of educational expense; there are music, drama, sports, trips etc as well as significantly longer holiday periods which will require care (not provided by you, as you’ll be working full time?) and additional expense if there are tutors, camps etc
3. If you’re flexible about education, consider other options which would allow a high quality of education for two children, for example, a less expensive private school; moving to an area with excellent state provision, Catholic schools if you’re Catholic; move abroad for a higher paid role for a few years before school years, to pay off your mortgage (if that’s feasible).
4. Really think this through. If your husband is in peak earnings, and you’ve been on a career break, please consider how you’ll be paying (much higher) school fees in 15-20 years when your children are still at school and you’re both not earning as much but still have your mortgage. Make sure you won’t have to pull them out of school during the most important GCSE and A level years, because of poor planning.

From my perspective, the biggest impact on a child’s educational attainment is the home environment. Having a calm and loving home where education is valued, the child has a desk to work from and adequate lighting, good nutrition, access to books and nightly reading etc will be much more valuable than a private school (which will assume these things are in place). If you’re exhausted after both working full time, in my experience, it will become very difficult to keep these foundations in place. So…either have one child and invest time in making sure that child has close cousins/friends, or have two but only commit to an education you can afford for the next 20 years ie a state one supplemented by tuition and extra curriculars.

Sorry you’re in this tough position…the days of middle class people being able to afford 3 children with private school have been over for a few years now. Welcome to the club!

I agree with all of this.

I don't think you should have another baby until this is resolved.

I tend to agree with you, if we had an only child we might have considered private school for them, but with 2 I think that would be tremendously unfair to the one who didn't get to go and has a good chance of building resentment later in life.
However I can see where it might be justified if 1 child has additional needs and would really benefit from smaller classes etc. Or like our local area which has some great state girls schools but the choice for boys is sadly lacking a bit. It might genuinely be the best for one child but I think I would also have to try to put a comparable amount of money aside for the other one to balance things out at some point. I can't imagine spending tens of thousands of £ on one while the other gets nothing.

That’s what I thought! I went to a rural comp and some of the farming boys just hated school. Practical deputy head would take them out of French to teach them farming and practical building skills. Wouldn’t be allowed now but they loved it. They dug a swimming pool out a big one too.

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I agree with you that it's not fair to decide to educate on child in a private school and one in state school. There are exceptions to this maybe if one child has SEN needs that a certain school meets better. It seems your husband can't think about a second child because you don't have one yet. That may change when you do.

I do know a family who chose to send there DD to a very good state school but there ds will be going to a private school. The only reason seemed to be because he is a boy. That's outright wrong in my view.

Where I live the state boys schools are excellent but the private girls schools are better than state so yes I would consider sending one DC private and the other not. In another city I lived in, parents fought to get their kids into certain state schools and then went private if their children didn’t get in.

Arguably in this scenario, the girls would have more use for the private education, in terms of looking for a career/husband! The boys are going to get the farm whether they get a string of top results and are on the rowing team or fail everything! What a way to breed resentment - different schooling opportunities and different life paths expected. The resentment could.go both ways on that.

If sending your child to private school is very important to your husband and it's not affordable to send 2 then perhaps the solution is to only have one child.
Maybe suggest that to him.

I think you shouldn't have more children than you can afford. If you want to pay for education but can't afford it for more than one child, don't have more than one child.

I think providing what is the best education for each child depending on their needs is very different from planning ahead to not treat subsequent children equally.

I know a farming family where only the boys are sent to private school, the girls to the local village one. The boys are always expected to stay working in the farm, the girls to go off and make their own careers or ‘marry their money’ 🤢.

It is absolute bullshit and there is no way to justify the differing treatment of children, whatever it is. Same opportunities for all.

I know a farming family where only the boys are sent to private school, the girls to the local village one. The boys are always expected to stay working in the farm, the girls to go off and make their own careers or ‘marry their money’ 🤢.

It is absolute bullshit and there is no way to justify the differing treatment of children, whatever it is. Same opportunities for all.