To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

Kids aren't made fun of for being clever, not wanting to vape, enrolling on D of E etc. They can safely be boring, no make up, no drinking etc if they want to. If they have a particular talent, they can pursue that to a much higher standard and have the opportunity to share/compete with experts inside and outside the school because of the connections they have.

I think that's a very narrow view of independent schools.

The one I taught in which was also a boarding school, had students who were extremely sophisticated because of their parents' lifestyles (many were actors and some were household names) - and were more than capable of smoking, drinking and getting up to all sorts!

None was made fun of however and the D of E was a given expectation.

Wait for both your children to turn 10 years and let them sit entry exams for private schools. They may not both get into the top private schools that are worth the money.

just paying for ‘any’ private school isn’t worth it IMO. Better move into catchment of a great state secondary at some point?

Might be worth adding my personal and professional experience here for you @MrsMust

I was a secondary school teacher- in both the independent and state sector. I also did some special needs support in primary schools. (I was teaching for a very long time!)

My 'advice' is you make a decision based on the schools in your area and if possible move to where there are excellent state schools.
Independent doesn't always equate to better. It depends on the child and what they need.

In my experience, very bright kids tend to do okay wherever. It's the ones in the middle (who are 'average' ) who may get that extra push and benefit from smaller classes to get the grades they need for uni etc.

I taught in a reputable independent secondary school. There was a mix of students- many from overseas who boarded. Others were local and their parents had chosen a small indie school rather than a larger middle of the road state school. Many were just managing to pay the fees.

Where I live now- and did when my own kids were at school- there are two excellent state secondary schools- ranked 'Outstanding'.
House prices reflect the catchment area.

My kids went to those schools and then to Russell Group unis, getting good degrees including a Masters. We 'topped ' up their A levels with private tutors where they needed a bit of help.

Like you we could have funded one indie school but not two.

Mine went to independent secondary school, as they were at a nice small primary and I haven't ever seen the point of primary stage independent fees. If anything the kids we know who went to pre-prep, prep then senior etc just came out in a bit of a bubble and didn't have any friends outside of independent school circle.

The value added in my experience increases as they get older. By 6th form, it's a big impact to go to independent over state.

It's nothing to do with grades or academic ability IMO. Not all independent schools are selective, and as others have said you can get great teachers and top grades in state schools. It's about everything else - the enrichment, talks, trips, events, who they meet and who they're friends with, how they speak. It's social capital which then gives them advantages in life. (It's totally unfair of course).

Kids aren't made fun of for being clever, not wanting to vape, enrolling on D of E etc. They can safely be boring, no make up, no drinking etc if they want to. If they have a particular talent, they can pursue that to a much higher standard and have the opportunity to share/compete with experts inside and outside the school because of the connections they have.

That's why we paid for it and why we think it was worth it.

In your situation I'd choose a state primary carefully, look after how your DD goes through school and how she talks, sign her up for hobbies etc, and start saving now for DD and DC2 fees for senior school.

I absolutely would not consider sending one child and not another, because of all the advantages above. I've seen it with cousins, their paths just diverge and it's stark.

Agree with this. I think this is more about social status than quality a d type of education. Meeting the ‘right’ type of people, and a belief that it will lead to a ‘good’ job. In reality, that’s not how it works any more and being in a private school can actually put you at a disadvantage when applying for universities and jobs.

I guess in particular circumstances it might be good. Like if one DC had some special needs that meant the private school worked better for them, but the other DC didn't and didn't want to take the bus to school, but was happier walking to the local comp, that would be ok. As a blanket ok thing to do before the second child is born though, please don't have a second child!

Agree with @24252627a

If private school is so important to him and your wages will not significantly rise. You should stick with 1 DC.

I do know quite a few people who have done this.

Is one dc male by any chance then you said dd, so guessing one is female? You said you want another then mentioned a dd? Do you have 2 kids already?

Completely wrong to treat kids differently in the primary years. By the secondary school you ideally need to put them into the right schools for them, but not at the expense of the other so id only go private for one if they were struggling, not "for an excellent career opportunity" anyway a good education means nothing, I know plenty of examples of excellent educations that have been completely wasted!

Hmm

I went to private school for a year to get away from bullies (and 5 secondary schools in total). I was in y9 then, bro y6. I then had to leave after a year as we weren't sure if my dad would be made redundant. We both went to the same state school for 2y (7-8 and 9-10).

Wasn't really aimed at people wanting to achieve highly, they refused to put me in top set as I didn't do sats in y9, I asked to do higher maths, we were told "anyone in this school would be happy with a d so so should you be" ... got a tutor, did higher maths. Got 9a* 9a 1b (self taught in 4wks)

So yeah if you're clever and hard working you can achieve anywhere I agree

At that point I told my parents they had to remove my brother from the school as he wouldn't get there if he stayed as wasn't being pushed and he tried to fit in by doing the stupid things he was dared to do like setting off fire alarms and getting put in isolation for disruption. He did y9-11 in a grammar school till he got thrown out at gcses.

I didnt remotely resent it to be honest and i told them to do it so he didnt ruin his life entirely. Schools are so variable its hard to make generalisations but I wouldnt set out to send one to private and one to state i dont think thats fair

Tbh the private education was far inferior to my grammar school 6th form anyway

Can you really afford it for one given that the cost will more than double between reception and y13?

Exactly.

If the requirements are that a child goes to private school. then the calculation is that you can't afford a 2nd (surely).

In reality private may not be the magic fixer you think but that's not the point.

It’s one thing to send children down different paths based on their own specific needs once they’re here and you know them and their situations, they can input to decisions etc. It’s quite another to actively choose to have a second child knowing you won’t be able to afford to treat it the same was as you are adamant you will treat your existing child - basically planning to disadvantage the younger child and favour the older one prior to conception 😳 Sorry but that’s just cruel.

Decent state school are like hens teeth! They’re practically impossible to get into unless you literally live in the doorstep! If they can afford private education absolutely go for it. Smaller classes, generally better facilities and better behaved children! My siblings both went to the local grammar schools as much brighter than me. I was offered our local sink school for secondary education fortunately my parents decided to send me to an independent school, guess what I far exceeded both my siblings despite starting secondary education as being classed as slightly below average!

I felt like your husband and we sent all children to private school. They thrived and have done very, very well. But it cost a fortune and it nearly bankrupted us. If you do decide to send them think about waiting until they are high school age. By then they will be able to discuss where they feel is best for them too. I have no idea of course if they would have done so well in state education, one I suspect not because of a multitude of factors but I won't ever know.

Ah so you agree that there is probably inherent sexism in choosing who goes

Which tend to be independent schools, smaller classes, better facilities and generally better behaved children! It’s a no brainier if you can afford private education!

Treating them the same doesn't take account of individual children's needs. Would you put equality over need?

The OP doesn't even have a second child yet so it's all hypothetical but if you have two or more very different children surely you decide based on circumstance not a pre determined basis.

This happened in my family. My older brother went private, my younger brother and me were state educated. I never felt resentment, the private school just seemed full of stuck-up rich kids to me as a child! Teachers vary everywhere, I had some great ones, the private school clearly had some old duffers. The school experience wasn't perfect for my brother.

My younger brother did resent the difference. He brought it up at some family event and my mum was very upset. As others have said private education is absolutely not a guarantee of anything. My older brother dropped out of university, while me and younger brother got good degrees in subjects we loved. I think it's much smarter to spend money on tutors, if needed, and I'd spend the cash savings on wonderful family holidays that will bring great memories.

Just send them to the school that suits them? It sounds really like it would be a “fairer” share of resources if you earned a bit more rather than losing money to stay home.

If private school is that important to him, then I’d suggest sticking with one child.
i have 2. I could comfortably afford to send one, but it’s too much of a financial stretch to send both, so I’ve kept them in state.

The statistics show that far more boys go to private schools and girls and have done forever.

I would advise against this. I know 3 families where 1 child went private and the other(s) didn’t. In all three cases the privately educated child got better results and has a higher paid job now. The sibling relationships are strained or non existent and there are huge levels of resentment even years later. It’s very sad to see.

I think if you have 2 'average' DC, to send one to private school and not the other would be grossly unfair.

HOWEVER, there are circumstances where I would consider putting one in private and one not :
SEN - where your local state schools cannot cater to your DC's needs yet they are not eligible to go to a SEN school
GIFTED - if one of your DC is exceptionally brilliant at something - academics or sport or music or dance or art............ If they are exceptional they would probably get a bursary or scholarship

Many posters are talking about a decision to send one kid private because they have specific needs or because they didn’t get into the great state school their sibling is in.

The OP is talking about deciding in advance of a child actually being born that they will only educate one child privately.

That is very different.

As a general rule, no.

But we live in a grammar school area (with a very, very well regarded grammar and fairly mediocre other schools), and I've always thought that I'd one gets in, and the other doesn't, that I'd contemplate private for them to try to give them a more equal experience.

As it is, one is extremely bright but very dyslexic, do I'm not sure where that leaves her, and the other has health conditions and disabilities which mean I haven't a clue where they'll go any more. Main thing is that they are happy I guess.

I don't like the inequality that private schools being to education, but bluntly, I'm more interested in making sure things are equal between me children first. Equality of opportunity doesn't always mean equal amounts of money spent on them.