To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

Family we know 2 girls , 1 boy . Boy is the middle child .
2 girls state educated , boy private .

I went to a private school and my brother to a state school. I got a scholarship, otherwise it wouldn’t have been an option. He was not at all academic and it wouldn’t have been the right place for him. In fact, he took and failed the entrance exam.

it has never caused any resentment or problems, but our lives have taken very different paths as a result.

I don’t think you can make a decision having one toddler. On principle I think you need to offer the same opportunity to both and I stick by that as a principle and don’t like your DH’s stance given it is so heavily tilted to one very young child at the potential detriment of the other.

However, life is often much more grey than black and white and there are lots of permeations where things are not so clear cut.

Both of my children are in a one form entry state primary. I am seriously considering moving one to private. Their classes and experiences have been very different. One is carnage quite frankly, child has been hit, kicked, generally hates it and it’s now getting in the way of her learning anything. Even within the same school they do not have the same experience. I should have moved her much earlier and I regret not doing that as places are full at the schools I like.

I wouldn’t do anything that would show that one child is being treated significantly different from the other “just because”. Both children will be different, but if the reasoning is sending one to private school just because you have to pick one as opposed to - one wants to go, or one is doing very badly in state and private is the only way etc.

Look out for your child’s personality too - some kids have to be pushed and benefit from a stickler school whilst others are just academic and will do well prettt much anywhere.

But the second one isn’t here - so if you want to put the first in private school and not plan for a second, that could work too.

I’ve had 2 in state one in private. The state school was better academically and the 2 there have thrived. The one at private started there and it was a disaster. They’ve ADHD and autism and needed the pastoral side of the private school. The other 2 didn’t go as they would have compromised the academics.

eldest in state got better results and a better uni. The one at private actually went to school, managed to finally make some friends and got decent results for exams she would never have got as far as sitting at state.

I don't agree with this.

Not all children want to be educated privately anyway. I know families where the children went to different schools.

The point is that parents should choose the right school for their child.

That doesn't mean a black and white choice of 'state or indie'.

It also doesn't mean that all private schools are better than all state schools.

Many private schools have specialisms, like music, drama, sport, and talented children can apply for scholarships.

I am wincing at the narrow mindedness of this OP's H. I assume he didn't have a private education. there is a lack of education in his thinking and experience.

As for their child getting an excellent job- well, what if the dear child wants to do something very non-conformist where a high income isn't possible?

And- horror of horrors- what if they simply aren't bright enough to get to a good uni?

Don't use the private school and top your mortgage, with 30 more years to pay you are paying an awful amount of interest unless your rates are somehow different that the rest of us.

I do know parents who send one child privately for a specific reason (SEN, not getting into a grammar, music scholarship etc). But to just plan for one at the outset is nuts.

The thing to bear in mind is, your current DC is a real child who is deeply loved by DH. Possibly subsequent child is only an idea at present. Once they’re born, DH will love them Just as much and not want to treat them differently.

Ask him would this extend to all other opportunities as well: ski trips, music lessons etc?

I would not send one to state and one private. All this stuff about 'the best school for them' is just people justifying their decisions. I'm not including SEN in this btw as that's a different decision.

Extra curriculars are not the same as doing all that extra stuff at school. School is not just about academic results.

All those saying that their DC chose the state school. Great but how do you know that they hadn't overheard or understood what a stretch it would be financially?

Lastly there's always 'proof' trotted out about the state school child doing way better than then the privately educated one. When in fact it could be that the privately educated child achieved everything they could and would have drowned in the state system. What your child ends up earning is not a test of whether spending on private school is worth it.

I know several adults and a couple with teenage kids where not all siblings went to private. It's not been a problem.
One person was very academic and won a scholarship, his brother went to state and then trade school and couldn't be happier. He also got a very large chunk of money from his parents for a property.
Teenage kids - both went to public primary. One was very academic, the other creative. They ended up with schools that catered for their individual needs, one of them happened to be public. For what it's worth, both decided not to continue after their GCSEs.
I briefly went to public school and couldn't be more miserable there.

My DD won a scholarship and went off to an independent school. I have 2 DS's who went to state school. My DD's state school suggested she sit the scholarship exam. Should I have refused her this opportunity because her 2 brothers did not get offered the same? DC adults now but all 3 DC did well and all have jobs.

Regardless of the kids gender, it will cause resentment down the line which will be difficult to navigate all their lives

You and him, will need to think about this very carefully and prepared to deal with the fallout and long term impact.

"...we prefer me to be the flexible worker of the two of us to avoid external after school childcare etc...."

... Now your daughter is NOT to go to private school as you wouldn't be able to afford it but you can for the son...

Is there a pattern here OP? Is this what you want for your daughter to see and learn?

Your DH is nuts. If you send one to private then you must have the money to send the other if that’s where they want to go!

We had a mix of private and public but it was based on each child’s best fit and choice. We only forced one (we knew a specific private would be much better for them based on their SEN), the rest it didn’t matter so they got to choose, and some chose private and some public, and then at different points some swapped over each way (their request/choice). We also made clear that it was not a case of picking a public school by choice and expecting us to hand them the difference in cost! That’s not on so they knew that when choosing what they wanted.

If you have one in private you MUST have the means for any others to also go private if that’s their wish at any point during their education.

Wise words.
And is true for many areas of child raising.

One christmas I gave my children what they most wanted- one was a games console, the other a hamster, cage and toys.
Both children were beyond happy.
The cost - in terms of any unfairness- was not a factor.

Research into the value of private schools suggests the two main advantages are the smaller class sizes and the extra-curricular / networking opportunities they provide. With that in mind, I'd use your money to pay for tutors where needed and to join clubs or do act that will create those opportunities in other ways.

DH thinks we should do everything in our ability to give DC the best possible education (that would result in a subsequent excellent career).

This is a very silly thing to say.
You have no idea of your child's intelligence at the moment.
They may be academic or not.

If you child isn't academic, your husband is going to be very disappointed in them. And he sounds a if he's going to put huge pressure on them.

I used to find the same attitude among some parents when I was teaching. They expected me to work miracles with students who were, at best, average. No amount of teaching can make a child into a A grade student if they don't have the ability.

He might feel different if it wasn't a hypothetical second child. It sounds like at the moment he can see DD and wants the best for her. He might then see DD2 and also want the best for her as well and realise that the best for the whole family might be something different than he thought?

If private school is non negotiable for him, he would be better off only having one as there is no way he'd really think another child can just go anywhere.

(I think you currently only have one but may have misunderstood)

In my experience by the time you get to 6th form the tossers have left anyway, so there isn’t any issues with D of E or Vaping. I can see how that would be an issue in years 10 and 11 though.

I have this situation where I have one child at state school and one at private school. I wanted both to go to the private school. Oldest child was dead set against it. As it is, I now have each child in the right school for them. I would not however have contemplated private school at all if I couldn't have financed it for both. I think you are asking for sibling resentment if one gets the opportunity and one doesn't. For what it is worth, I wasn't in the financial position to do it until the oldest was starting S1 so could that be an option for you? State for primary and private for both for secondary? You would then have 8 years of tuition but only have 3-4 years of having to pay double fees for tuition. It's hard going and sacrifices will need to be made re big houses, new cars, holidays etc. Alternative move to a different area with better state schools therefore acquiring both a house and securing your child’s education. Good luck x

For what it's worth. I went to a state secondary school but my younger brother and sister both went to private secondary schools. It never bothered me. I was happy where I was.

Private does not alway equal better. My local primary and secondary schools are both outstanding schools. There are two private schools in the town, people send their kids there for various reasons, which include they couldn’t get their child in to their preferred school, they wanted smaller class sizes or the wrap around care was better.
unless there was a reason (ie one child was being bullied etc) I wouldn’t be sending one child to private and the other to state.

Why not move to a house near an excellent state school, spend the money you would’ve spent on private education on a bigger mortgage / stamp duty, and allow both children to benefit from a great education?

My parents sent my brother and I to different schools, him private and me a not great state. We had different childhoods and opportunities. He suffered for not being as well off as some of his classmates, I suffered from attending a school that was severly underfunded and badly managed and was in special measures by the time I left.

Ultimately though we ended up at similar universities and I'm now the higher earner by some margin.

My parents reasoning for sending us to different schools was that I was bright and would do well any where but I would have loved some of the opportunities that school gave my brother in terms of teaching and extra curriculum. It did affect our relationship and I'm still a bit bitter.

My ILs offered to pay our DS to go private but not our DD
We said no thanks