To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

Going to a private school doesn’t necessarily result in an excellent career 😂

My husband went to private school and his sibling didn’t. DH got a full scholarship and bursary, which is the only way his family afforded it. I think it has had enormous repercussions for their whole family dynamic. Early on it created a scenario where the younger sibling feels less than and hard done by and resentful to DH about it. MIL I think feels massively guilty and has tried to compensate ever since. To me, it often looks like my DH gets ‘blamed’ for the whole situation, even though he wasn’t old enough for it to have been his decision to make (but I might be a bit biased on that one!) And all of this was in a scenario where the funding for private education didn’t even come from the parents. In my experience, I would definitely agree that if you can’t afford for both, then you shouldn’t do it for either

I DON"T my comment was aimed at another poster please read back

100%!

My younger sister went to private school. Me and my older sister did not. My parents couldn't afford to at the time but had enough when it was her turn (she is three years younger than me).
The state schools were very good near us and I don't know the reasoning why they sent her. It was a new private school with no track record.
But we didn't resent it or anything. It didn't affect our university choices or subsequent careers.
I think if the state schools were poor near me then I might resent it if my older sibling got a much better education and opportunity than me.

Being honest, many private schools don't want to fill their places with children who have 'problems'. I know this because a parent I know wanted to move their children from state to private. The headteacher wasn't too keen because they had their quota of pupils with special needs and didn't want to be 'that' school - full of pupils with special needs.

My own children have done better than some children I know who had a private education. Some state schools are excellent. Some private schools are mediocre.

Regardless of the school your child has to have the intelligence and motivation to work hard and succeed at exams. Not all children have these and all the money in the world can't change their innate ability.

My brother went to private school from year 2, he wasn't thriving in a state school. He had a huge scholarship and bursary.

Dsis and I went to local schools. We didn't feel any sense of inequality, not least because my brother was boarding and we were at home!

I wanted to go to a private school for sixth form, but didn't get enough of a scholarship to make it affordable. Again, I didn't feel a sense of injustice at my state school was fine.

In the end my brother left private education and went to a state school for his GCSEs, where he was much happier.

Why do you think private schools can 'fix' all problems?

It doesn't work like that! (Having taught in private schools.)

It depends what the problems are. Private tutors after school can often fill the gaps.

Also many private schools do limit the numbers of pupils with special needs- they don't accept everyone.

yeah I was asking the qiestion to a poster who said no private for one and not the other unless there was a problem which only private schooling could fix....which, as I said, is fine unless the problem affects both children.

Hopefully the years of both in state school would allow to save up and send both to independents?
Tricky decision. If not, don’t send either to independent? Plenty are in this situation and with no way of accessing fee paying schools. Look at other options like home schooling or obtaining ECHP with named school. Neither of these are easy to do. Home schooling has developed way beyond mum/dad sitting around the dining table. Lots of small tutor groups, meet ups and online lessons. Cheaper than private for 2 kids and you can work a part-time job around it.

There are exceptions, but having seen all the “extra”‘costs that come with private school that my friends have had to pay, I would only send my children if I could more than comfortably afford to send all my children and have money to spare for the extras and fee increases. I would not put myself in a position of having to “scrimp and save” even for one child, as it seems their fees are only going up at the moment and I would be concerned about being outpriced.

At this point in time, you have no idea if a private or state school will be better for your child, as they're way too young. You need to enroll your child into the school that is going to suit their learning, regardless if state or private. However, if you send your eldest to a private school, who thrives - what happens if your second child would also thrive better in a private school?! In this instance because you can't afford to fund both, your youngest would have no choice to attend a state school, thus missing out on a better suited education. You could be lucky, as some other posters have commented, that the second child, thrived better at a state school. That's lucky more than planning though, isn't it! In theory you'd expect a child to achieve better grades at a private school, but it doesn't always equate. I know 2 people who went to grammar school, achieved really good grades, but employment wise, they've achieved very little, compared to those who achieved average grades at a state school. Personally, I wouldn't be offering to 1 child, what I couldn't offer to 2 children (or more).

My academic DC1 went to a grammar school, less academic but very musical/sporty DC2 goes to a private school on scholarship. There is no resentment between them, they are different persons with different needs/abilities.

No school, be it state or private, suits every child.

Depends on the needs of the kids tbh. I sent one private as he had a talent that the state schools couldn’t support, and he got a scholarship. Next child went to grammar school. Both content with their choices and both got into Oxbridge.

so what if both children have genuine problems that can only be fixed by private schooling?

We sent one to state and one to private. This was driven by their own individual needs rather than finances even though we absolutely would not have been able to afford two sets of fees.

I think we were lucky that it was the youngest who ended up "needing" to go to private school and the fact that the eldest was already thriving at a state grammar.

Both know we did what was best for each of them. DS firmly believes his grammar school was better and more "high status" than DD's non selective private school so he doesn't feel any unfairness.

As others have said, planning to focus more of the family resource on one child than the other can never be right or fair. To me its quite a strange concept!

Lots of pressure on the kid to get “an excellent career” … they might decide to become a surfer or work in a bar. Spending a fortune on education doesn’t always equate to what your DH may see as a good career.

My brother was moved to a private school when he was 8, I stayed in state schools. He was disruptive and badly behaved though and needed a stricter environment. I understand that and it never bothered me.

Do what’s best based on child’s individual needs.

As others have said, very different if you are choosing different schools / education types based on the wants and / or needs of individual children but for planned financial reasons, I could never start one child in private education knowing we couldn’t do the same for planned subsequent children.

You'd be better off by moving into the area of an Outstanding state school!
Where I am, you can hardly get a family house for under £800K near those schools and the houses right next to the schools are in the region of £1M for an ordinary 3-4 bed house.

After 8 years in one of those houses they'd increase in value too!

My two sons are doing well at state school, my daughter didn't so is in private. All are happy.

It's not one size fits all.

Also, what if your future DC2 ends up being the one that would actually benefit more from a private school education for all the reasons mentioned in this thread? Would your DH then remove your DD from her private school?

Send them both to state to start with.
Pay for tutors to boost grades.
Apply for scholarships at appropriate specialist school if they are talented.
Pay for private school if there are genuine problems in state school that can only be fixed by private schooling.

Either way I don't think private school usually makes sense if it is not very easily affordable. Nine times out of ten I think the money would make much more difference to the DC if spent on top ups like tutoring/clubs, travel experiences and the rest saved for house deposit. Getting on the housing ladder is so much more advantageous than the difference between state and private education imo. Fine if there's enough cash to easily do both but if these decisions are being made it's madness to put private school first (imo).

There is no son, only a daughter. If they have a second child, they might have another daughter. The point is that they could only afford to send one of two children to private school.

If it were me, unless there turned out to be some different issue (SEN, etc.) I would send both to state primary, save as much as possible and then if you still wanted to, send both to private secondary.