To think it is NOT OK to only send one DC to private school

We stopped at two as we could only afford private school for two. Not really fair if all children aren't treated equally

Please do not plan on this , unless there is a Specific need which becomes apparent much later it only causes distraction in the Family and sets siblings against each other . If later their are specific educational / health needs - you can review at that point ,

eldest got into an excellent grammar school (state) but youngest didn’t and the local comp was not good so we paid for her to go to a local independent school. both had an equally good education experience. worked for us.

What do you mean you are the flexible worker? I translate that into part time. Maybe you need to work full time, earn more money for the family, if you want another child and send both to private school.

My adopted GC started in a local school in a very middle class area. We knew that my GD was behind adacemically before she started but the promised, necessary, support with her maths wasn't much use. My GD was also bullied and the school did virtually nothing to help.

They're both now in a school in a less advantaged area with a "Good" rating which was recommended to her by a friend working in Education in the local authority.
Some pupils start with no knowledge of English and the majority don't have an English-speaking background. However it's a much more caring and supportive environment and she is already doing better socially and far better academically. The children are tested regularly and extra help is ALWAYS given if they are slipping behind. Bright children are being given extra work to stretch them.
There are some ND children with helpers in every class too, it is a mixed community in every sense of the word and IMO will give their pupils a much better start in life than their previous middle class academically oriented school.

We have one child in the local SEN school. The other, we are considering going private for. In our case it feels morally ok as they will be both going to schools that adequately meet their needs. We are avoiding penalizing number 2 because number 1 is disabled.

Consider also if one child shows passion for sport or drama school. Would you insist they went to a state school over a dedicated drama school for example to be fair to the other child?

This is a family decision to be had with input from both kids when the time comes...not a hypothetical conv to have now. You have no idea what your situation will be in 7 years time.

As some of you said, it could be better to find an outstanding state primary and save hard for private secondary

@MrsMust please don’t rely on Ofsted ratings. Locally to me there are 3 primary schools. 2 have a good rating and 1 outstanding. Parent feedback indicates that the outstanding school is more interested in results than their students. I’m just glad I enrolled my ds into one of the good schools as he is thriving and the school do everything they can to ensure this continues.

We could only afford to pay for one so we had a 7 year gap between children. We only sent them privately to senior school so it was one in one out. It worked very well for us and them. I was privately educated but my sister wasn’t, she passed the exam for grammar school so went there. I didn’t pass and the local secondary school was dire so my parents paid for me. That worked out well for us as both our schools suited us as individuals. My sister went on to uni and I didn’t and I would say we have both achieved equally in our chosen and very different fields.

OP, your DH needs to revise his expectations of your children, one who doesn't even exist, now. Even assuming no SEN, you don't know if they will be academically inclined. Even if they are academically inclined, you don't know if they will have that as their main interest. They may be more sporty, artsy, prefer a trade, music, something vocational. You have to get to know each child and find the most suitable school for them.

Also, being good at academics is not a guarantee of 'success' at life, whatever that means. I hope there won't be huge pressure on your children to live up to parental expectations of what success means. Let them be who they are.

I went to an awful state secondary school and got a few C and D grades. My brother went to a private school and got mainly A grades. I've had a more successful career and slightly better money than my brother. I was extremely jealous of my brother's school. I have chosen to send both my DC to a good state school and they are both doing well.

This!!
One of my friends DSD went to state school and college and got majority As in GCSEs and all As and A’s at a level and is now at a Russel group university studying Law and predicted a first. All schools and college were ofsted good at the time. Same friend’s DN is same age, but had full private school education in the same area and got mainly C’s and a few fails in GCSE’s and B’s and C’s in a level. She didn’t go to university and currently works in hospitality which she is happy with but parents feel money was wasted.

Different educations and it definitely was definitely the deciding factor that lead me to send my DC to state school.

Each child should go to the best school for them. That’s not always private school.

But you currently only have one child so this isn’t an issue. If and when you have more children it will then become an issue.
I think the priority should be that the school is the right fit for the child and not whether it’s fee paying or not.
Fast forward 20 years: you’ve sent your first born to private school, they have excelled both inside and outside the classroom. Your second child goes to state school and hates it, does not excel and has spent all their school life feeling jealous of their older sibling and resenting their parents (ie you).

Tread carefully, I wouldn’t do it.

Excellent school does not equal excellent career. I know plenty of people who went to top schools and are pretty useless and underachieving. Of course lots have turned out brilliantly and chief a lot too. I honestly think it’s up to the individual and you can’t count on a certain outcome.

I would absolutely treat both children equally.

"And the idea that private must mean a better education is unfounded nonsense." That's very true! If your child has SEND problems, or needs a quiet environment, or is just too emotionally immature to cope with a large busy secondary school, go for small and private. But for normally resilient children of average to good ability, don't waste your money!

I think it all depends on where they would prefer to go. One may love it, another hate it. Finding the most suitable educational establishment is most important, eg if SEN, friends, talents, comfort zones etc. It's not black and white, you don't just force your DC to go to a school you and they know they won't enjoy so no, it's about doing the same for all IMHO.xx

I agree with you, both should be treated equally as resentment between the children could affect your whole lives. You can use your money for musical instrument tuition and academic subject tuition to give them support to succeed.

If he's twitching about it now, I'd certainly say that there's very little a private primary would offer that goes over & above a decent state primary. So get DC1 into your local state while they learn to read & write & play well with kids from all walks of life....and then you can assess whether to start either of them in private once the (currently still theoretical?) second child can at least talk!

My parents couldn't afford private school for me so I went to state. My sister being quite a few years younger than me, my family were in a better financial situation by the time she was attending secondary - she was sent to private. I didn't and still don't hold a grudge about it as I had an excellent education in my state school and it didn't impede me whatever, still went to a Russell Group uni; my sister also ended up at a (different) Russell Group uni. We've both ended up on our feet with decent jobs, but I know my parents still feel guilt over the difference in education we had. My mum offered to pay towards my wedding to "even things out" but I told her that was silly.

Meanwhile my DH was offered the chance to go private because his grandad was a wealthy, misogynistic arse; he didn't offer to pay for DH's older sister. DH's mum refused the offer (it was her dad).

We have DD1 in private because she has SEN and the local state told us not to send her to them as they had no resources (she doesn’t get an EHCP in our LA)
DD2 goes to state.
Both schools excellent but suit their individual needs.
I never understand this obsession with sending siblings to sane school either. Different children suit different schools.

All my children are different and three of them went to private schools at one stage or another. The most successful is the one who went all the way through the state system.

My dmum is very open that the money had run out by the time I came along. While my siblings and I went to the same school, they got the extra curricular stuff paid for (even got given a car outright for their first car, when I had to pay for mine by myself). The life outcomes have been similar in many was, but it does niggle at me tbh. This was a lifelong thing of sibling getting special things that I dont get an equivalent of, despite being told they try and make things as equal as possible

I sent one to private school and the other to state. I was only worried about meeting their individual needs which the schools we chose did.

This happened in my cousins’ family - they had 5 children and sent the youngest 2 to an independent school. They are now all in their 40s/50s but the resentment from the older 3 has never gone away. There are snide comments whenever school comes up in conversation and they blame everything that is wrong with their lives on this. Don’t do it!

How about state primary, private secondary? Then at least both kids could go if you start saving now.