My husband is like talking to a wall.

I too am the tally emotional one. If I have something to say to my husband, I text it by what’s app, and can see if he’s read it. Writing makes me slow down, pinpoint my feeling, need, or point of view without emotion. I suspect he too is closet autistic. I watched https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-DUP-VFw1YA recommended on a similar thread to this and it helps me. I think my husband has PDA type autism as if I ask him to do anything, it backfires on me. I can actually see him struggling with the demand. Also journaling or writing out all the ruminations and crap in my head, all the stuff you can’t say out loud helps me decide if my feelings are fear or if I actually have something / need I want him to know. Then I text that. Finally I take breaks, timeout for myself, and go off with kids or a friend at half terms, or long weekends without him, just to have a break. He then gets his time alone which he craves, with no demands, and I get my social fix. He explains he just wants to stay at home. I don’t and am grateful he’s happy to let me go.

I'm glad it's helpful. I used to be a fixer which is ironic because I hate when people do it to me. I have a friend with anxiety who sometimes reaches out to me with a one-liner i.e. "I feel the sense of impending doom". My first question isn't "what happened", my first question is always "What do you need right now? Would you like to vent or would you like me to offer some advice?" and we go from there. Obviously, we have enough of a relationship for him not to feel like I am being abrasive. You may have to word it differently depending on whom you are talking to. But it's a really useful question.

I disagree if its your partner ot doesnt matter how its said or whats said they are trying to communicarte and getting nothing back thats not healthy

I'd fine someone starting a conversationn with "I'm sad" quite annoying. I'd much rather you stated the problem at the same time. I'm sad is like the bread crumb posts on facebook - a pic of you in a hospital waiting room, for example, without any explanation - it comes across as attention seeking.

Yes iv experienced this and the result was the guy didnt care about me! They should want to talk to u want u to be happy

Don't get why moan yet marry him if it's not what you want. Whole idea is to learn who someone is before mareiage

My sister says you can’t get ‘all things’ from one person, she would say I should call her for the emotional support or get a therapist.

Having a good man and a miracle really. There is something wrong with all of them (like us I suppose) so you have to choose what you can live with. Only you know what it’s really like x x

I'm not really sure what to make of this, to be honest. It's tricky to judge when only hearing your side and not his.

However, I'm quite surprised at other posters saying you're childish/infuriating for saying "I'm sad".

To me, that's just you simply declaring your feelings in black and white terms. Yes, it is a prompt. But any of the suggested "openers" are also a prompt.

The natural response, in my opinion, would be him asking, "oh no, what's made you sad?" and you then telling him all about it. So, not him having to tease it out of you as someone has stated.

Just goes to show how people's perspectives differ. Which takes me back to whether YABU or not.. I don't know. Sorry. 😟

Or maybe he's just exhausted by your communication style. If you always communicate like "I'm sad" I'd be the same as him. That's nice, what do you want me to do about. Start using proper sentences and framing complete thoughts. I'd be fully thinking of leaving the relationship if my partner communicated with me like that and expected me to tease the story out of them like they're a toddler.

My husband is the same. I think it came from having a very controlling, highly strung mother - she would respond in an uncontrolled, hysterical and frightening way. (still does, sigh)

Maybe say you’re sad, explain why and then ask for a hug?

my DH is similar. He shows love and support in different ways.

I'm the bad communicator in my relationship, and I think this is excellent advice. In our marriage, DH is the talker and I'm the fixer. I find it really difficult when DH shares a problem to not just respond "Why don't you do X/Could you do Y?".

In trying to stop myself from offering fixes, it means that I now often don't respond at all, because I'm worried I'll say the wrong thing. I'm working on this and trying to get better at asking questions instead of providing answers. However it takes time. I think the suggestions you provided are excellent, and as a bad communicator, I think they would help me to have better conversations :).

My ex was like you describe. One of the reasons he's ex. I was very lonely.

From what you've said, he used to communicate (so is able, it's not an impairment). You've told him how sad it makes you and he either ignores that or when you really drove it home he got angry with you.

If he cared about you or the relationship don't you think he'd listen, try his best to do what's important to you? Empty gestures like flowers and breakfast in bed doesn't make up for ignoring someone's vital needs and I think you know that really. Do you know why he does those things but can't communicate? Because toast on a tray or a bunch of flowers are easy, working on communication is hard and you're not worth the effort to him.

It's maybe on balance worth staying (if you like flowers and breakfast in bed), but do it with a clear view of where he is.

Ahh the slow check-out.

I'd tell him clearly how much his current lack of effort is impacting you. Let him know the relationship is on the line. See if he cares enough to put some effort in.

If he doesn’t respond to your little prompts, why don’t you just tell him what you want to tell him?

I would find “I’m sad” irritatingly attention seeking. On the other hand, “I had a really shit day at work that left me feeling a bit upset” is a conversation starter.

I think / know that people who are neurodivergent mask in the real world and the only people who pick up are their families,and it can take a long time for the family to understand.

Well i feel a big better I'm not alone! I suspect DH is autistic.

Well the advice was more like you say you slept badly. My DH would view that as a piece of information rather than an opportunity to respond. So he is probably interested to some degree but because I stopped talking he assumes that there is nothing more I want to say or he will think “ok she’s stressed” as the information that I want him to know. So essentially me getting hurt feelings was unnecessary because I am assuming that he isn’t interested, jumping to a negative conclusion.

To answer your other question we have other problems that are causing a bigger threat to our marriage. We are trying to work on things but I am so jaded it seems too little too late.

I have this problem with my DH. We are both neurodivergent but I don’t think that is especially relevant, but I am putting it out there.

we went to a marriage counsellor. She said that we both have different communication styles. She suggested that I just keep talking rather than waiting for him to ask questions. She also suggested that we research different communication styles and discuss with each other what our thoughts and styles of communication were with each other. The first suggestion was soul destroying. The second was quite good but DH wasn’t on board and it would only work if both of us were interested in being interested and open.