Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

Sofas are not for standing on and no your child shouldn't be doing it 😳 I'd be mortified if my child stood on the sofa in someone else's home?! Im not old but if visiting kids were standing on the sofa they'd be told to get down, the sofa is for sitting? There's also the risk they fall off it if standing on it and hurt themselves. You sound like you have quite low standards for behaviour. Please teach your children not to stand on the sofa, when they are older and going for playdates they will piss parents off and seem poorly behaved if the climb/stand on the sofa

I’m a bit older now but I remember friends not supervising or telling off their children when visiting and the damage caused (coffees getting knocked onto rugs, gouges in dining tables, marks on walls, taps left running, objects broken). I’m now finally at an age where I can afford nice stuff and to be honest I don’t really want people visiting with kids. I grew up with very little space or stuff so really treasure what I finally have. I also think people are much more destructive nowadays. I don’t fuss around visitors and hope they feel welcome but I’m definitely aware of the ones who aren’t respectful of other peoples things.

I suspect your MIL would tell us you and the children are messy and destructive, hence her watching you like a hawk. She is also no doubt a bit too houseproud. I don’t know what the answer is, perhaps they visit you or you meet on neutral territory until the children are older.

When you are in someone else's house and you know what it is that they like it is normal to try to fit in with their preferences.
One tends to do this automatically with one's own parents as one has grown up with the rules.
It is also the case that different generations have different norms of behaviour.
She sounds a little bit 'up tight' around crumbs but otherwise well within 'normal' in terms of her expectations.

I feel like your visitors probably count down the minutes until they can leave.

You dint care about anyone else's comfort only your own? I suppose at least your honest about it

Where did I say every grandparent was like this? You're just making that up for drama. Literally nowhere did I say 'every'

What I'm saying (which everyone else seemed to understand) is that the idea of an immaculate house seems to be something much more common in older generations where women were often taught that the state of their house reflects on them personally. That it was their duty to keep house and everything in its place. Whereas I dont know many women today who feel this same sort of pressure, yes we clean and tidy but not to an extent of making family worry about crumbs. I dont have any friends who's houses I would go to and feel awkward like this but seems to be common with older generation.

If you are a shoes on house I bet your children (and even you) routinely forget to remove shoes at the door so she stands over to make sure it happens because she doesn't want all sorts of muck trampled into the house and that's not unreasonable.
Its telling that you are bothered by your child being told not to jump on the sofa - this suggests you are the sort of person doesnt look after the furniture etc in your home and that's why your Mil is on edge, she knows if she isn't your kids will jump on sofas, fiddle with breakable, knock stuff over because you won't tell them not to.

Plenty of people worked hard to afford their home and nice furnishings and want them to last, you should respect that a bit more.

I also don't see an issue in her ushering you into a particular room if she's laid out tea and cake to serve? She is the host and has planned for your visit, she may feel she is giving the kids a special treat making things fancy with tea served nicely and cake, plenty of people would enjoy not needing to go and make their own drink 🙄

OP getting such a hard time here.
The in-laws sound dreadful. Should not be making you feel uncomfortable. There are ways of having your own house rules without making your guests feel bad.

Didn't outside activities/ daily walking do that?

@Jeez!

Another one

OP: 'Am I wrong?'

Everyone: 'Yes'

OP: 'No I'm not!'

AGREE

Op does not like her mil - regardless and is just trying for validation

And as for :

Clean house = problem adult children- what rubbish.

In extreme dirty houses when children- the now adult children say how much they hated it and couldn't bring friends home, and now keep a clean home themselves.

My dh visits (weekly) a relative who lives on his own.
Relative loves the visits and my dh (ha very few visits) but due to the state of the kitchen won't have a drink there ....

Sounds like the whole thing is an expression of her OCD/germ phobia or other mental health issues.

Your MIL doesn't sound as though she enjoys seeing her son and her grandchildren at all and you certainly don't enjoy it.

I would definitely reduce the time I spend with her as it isn't fun for anybody. I presume that she was like this with your DH when he was a child?

I'm much more easy going with my grandchildren than I was with my children. If a game involves standing on the sofa, it doesn't bother me. I would only step in if it looked like they would hurt themselves. It's not every day so it isn't going to harm the furniture and they will stop doing it as they grow older.

This is me - love children- partying, lots of fun, but shoes off at the door, and definitely no jumping/ throwing yourself at furniture.
Loving fussing over people with drinks and making them as comfortable/ happy as possible.

No one can 'make' you feel inferior.
Especially not by keeping a clean tidy house......

I don't freely wander around my in-laws house and I'm not sure I'd want them wandering around mine!

And don't let your kids climb on the sofa!

I'm shocked at all the people saying that watching someone like a hawk in case they drop crumbs is "normal"! This makes me glad I left the UK, what a stuffy lot.

Actually yes, in my home my comfort is paramount. I don’t come to your home and tell you how to live. In my house it’s my way, and visitors I’m sure can tolerate that for an hour.

I agree.

How can you hoover multiple times a day unless you are unemployed?

Does she have / had in the past a job ?

She sounds neurotic

Sounds like my granny. She was always a bit like it but got much worse once my gramps died. She also has seriously controlling tendencies and my grandpa was the voice of reason, so once he wasn't around to rein her in, I think she just went a bit deranged.

It all came to a head one visit when she sat watching intently and doing a cat's bum face as my then 2.5yr old daughter ate some cake at the dining table (we were all eating cake and drinking tea, granny had served it!) Granny always moaned about not seeing enough of mine and my sisters kids, but when we brought them around she never made them feel very welcome and would tell them off for very innocuous behaviours (for example, she once shouted at my eldest when she was about four and playing in granny's garden because she kicked a ball- a ball provided by my granny- "too near the apple tree". Not AT the apple tree, not INTO the apple tree, just too near it).

Anyway, this particular day- the cake day- after a few minutes of granny watching my daughter in a very clearly disapproving manner (where admittedly my daughter did drop a few crumbs onto the table/floor and herself because she was NOT YET THREE) my granny jumped up and got the hoover out and began vacuuming around me, my two daughters, my mum, my sister, my nieces and my aunt while we were still all trying to eat our cake and drink our tea!

It was genuinely deranged. She and I had a row and I never took the kids around there again. She's in a care home now and still utterly horrible. Miserable old bitch.

If your MIL is making visits unpleasant and tense with her controlling behaviour and lack of understanding and empathy about your small kids, my advice is to vote with your feet.