Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

So you go to your parents house and revert to an actual child and see if there is any treats for you ?

OMG ! It does damage furniture to have children jumping on it . The children will get bigger and then not know not to do this kind of thing. You are basically teaching your children not to be repectful of furniture and they will be the kind of children who go to other’s home and think this is ok.
Be aware the vast majority of people think this is unacceptable.

When we went to see PIL when DC was about 15 months MIL said in a firm voice “We don’t stand on the furniture in this house” . At the time I thought she was OTT but very soon when other people’s badly behaved older children thought it was ok to jump around my living room furniture I adopted the mantra “ We don’t stand/ jump on the furniture in this house in a firm voice. It does the trick …

Well, we go around when invited, but I meant that the GC wouldn't pop in to see her as they are passing sort of thing.

You wouldn't go into your parents fridge without asking? Guess you're not that close. That's the first place i go to when i go home, my parents home is and always will be home as well.

It sounds very difficult if you have young children who run about. Older children is a different issue. I would maximize going for an hour occasionally as it would be very difficult to keep active little children under control unless toys are available. She may have underlying health/mobility issues that she does not want to discuss and the extra clean up for her is making her workload more intense. Borrowing items from fridge or cupboard would be courtesy for anyone to ask even in parents home as it is mostly women who quietly clean out or stock those areas and means they are repeatedly taken for granted.

They who pay the bills; make the rules.

Is my general pattern of following. So if you don’t like (can’t respect) the rules in that household, then you just don’t go.

Oh god no! She thinks she's right about everything and it's her way or the highway. Any slight hint of criticism of her and she gets really upset (she can give it but she definitely can't take it!).

It's just not worth the bother. I just don't stay long when I visit. My kids are older now and they don't visit at all, although they do suggest meeting up outside of her house.

We talked about my mum's childhood, or what I know of it, and discussed how it will have shaped her attitude.

In my mum's case, she was the oldest of many children in a working class family, who was left to look after the younger children while her parents worked.

Typo? Or did you mean it!

It would be interesting to hear your MIL side of the story.

It might be something like:

'My daughter in law lets her kids jump up and down the sofa and chairs without supervision so I had to ask her to stop this. I also have to watch them to make sure they don't forget to remove their shoes when they come in and cover my flooring with mud and that the kids don't just take out random food from the fridge and spill it everywhere. Basically we are a clean and tidy household to limit the amount of housework I have to do as an older person and unfortunately she has very different standards...'

To me it just sounds like you expect to be able to behave like you do in your own house but you need to respect the fact that people might have different, less chaotic ways of living. It is just common courtesy to respect that.

You'd seriously not invite your own grandchildren around ever again because once, when they were little, they climbed up onto your sofa and jumped off?

See, I find this attitude totally alien

OP, my mum is similar. I think her identity has become tied up with the house. She's been a 1950s style housewife ever since I was born and has no outside interests.

He attitude made me into an anxious child, then adult, and I've had therapy about it, so I can understand her better.

It’s really not normal. It’s just typical mumsnet desperate competitive perfectionism.

She’s not actually being rude to you. She’s just doing things the way she likes them, in her own home. Presumably she’s always been like that, and presumably she still managed to bring up a son to be someone you love.

Her ways are not the same as your ways (or mine). Are you really, really saying you’re so intolerant you can’t cope with that occasionally, and would prefer to fracture a relationship with your DH's parents?

Except a good number of us have said we don’t think op is wrong…

I would be careful about taking this route. We have a very difficult SIL who lives with PIL. Absolute obsessive cleaning, that has a MH origin but also seems to be about control. Has driven GC away from PIL and is also a malicious liar who will talk inappropriately to GC. If they are just overly house proud this route makes sense, but if there is some unpleasant control and put downs in the mix it could backfire.

The vote is 48% saying OP is not being unreasonable so hardly everyone.

OP's MIL sounds rigid and unwelcoming to her son's family. Extreme dirty houses are different from houses where children aren't scared of playing or making a bit of a mess.

Why can't you just leave your shoes on in the house then ? 🤷‍♀️ it's a shoes on house just leave them on no need for house slippers

Just let hubby take the kids over. Stay at home and have a break