Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

Yes, i will always be their child...so, why not?

Your children shouldn't be jumping on anyone's sofa. It does sound unwelcoming though, I'd keep the visits very brief. My MIL was a bit similar, a very formal household and I would never have dreamed of going into the kitchen or helping myself to anything, even on the occasions we stayed overnight. It's quite uncomfortable for guests but that's how some older people can be IME. Nowadays DH goes mostly on his own, and I go around every 6 months to do my 'duty'.

I kind of get where your in laws are coming from, we're finally at a stage of affording some nice furniture for our house. Our kids are older and no longer smearing grubby hands on everything. When we have younger kids visiting I do double check they have shoes off, wipe up crumbs and gently remind no sofa jumping. Our house is by no means a show home but I do want to keep it nice. I would direct kids to a table if eating cake rather than have it all over the sofa, but after the cake is eaten then can roam where they want.

I don't want children jumping on, or off the sofa in my home. It's not a fucking playground

How can so many of you not tell the difference between the words ON and OFF?

Great use of rollicking there! Not many people use it nowadays

It's a bit 50:50. I think it's odd and rude to stand over guests while they take their shoes off, and to comment on crumbs or remind them not to break things. But, it also sounds like your MIL was raised a certain way and when you host, you 'host'. You make a nice tea, you use the nice crockery, you do all the fetching and making hot drinks and ensuring your guests are comfortable etc. It's also not acceptable for children to jump on someone else's sofa, so she's not wrong to comment on that.

I grew up with a mother like this. I am 60 and have NEVER sat with my feet tucked up under me on the sofa . To this day I still have to sit " properly " with my feet on the floor and no lounging. allowed.
It was grim

@Goldbar
I don't really know.
At a guess because they loved their grandchildren but don't want the house trashed .....

I doubt the kids enjoy it either. Grammy not letting them move and hoovering them while they're still eating a biscuit....

With medical condition, in my house , the shoes off rule would be waived.
The dog pooh argument would be the residual / dried dog pooh you can't see, but is definitely there.

Well, why do the PIL insist on them visiting then?

You don't get to insist on family visiting you repeatedly and then treat them like an inconvenience.

If they really are an inconvenience, put a stop to the visits.

I can never understand "shoes on" households, think of all the dirt you're bringing in all over your floors 😐

Daughter uses wheelchair, wheeled walking frame and crutches, she has AFO splints and can't wear them without shoes. I take my shoes off because it's more comfortable for me, but I couldn't care less what guests do. There's a mat at the door to wipe feet. Vacuum, occasional carpet cleaning, mop on the hard floors, gets rid of most stuff. A bit of outside dirt coming inside is a drop in the ocean when you consider how much bacteria is in your home.

What do you mean you're "shoes on" you're trampling dog shit everywhere take them off!

Why are you walking in dog shit everywhere you go?

To be fair, if op was my daughter in law, I’d like to see her regardless and would be disappointed if she didn’t join my son and gc.
She’s family after all and I’m sure she’s very much loved.

But I would respect your decision not to join them and would reach out to you for a phone chat to see how you were instead perhaps.

I also agree with just DH and the kids going.
Seems the best option for everyone tbh.
I know if I was your MIL I'd prefer them to come without you.

You've just made @Echobowels point for her.
This wouldn't matter to you but it does to your mil.
We've all different, it's just a matter of respect
And as for eating out the fridge
What if that little snack your dh has just woofed down was being saved for mil's supper as a special treat?

Lets look at that from the other perspective.

Imagine MIL came to visit you, and whilst there she started loading your dishwasher; or grabbed a cloth from under your sink and gave the coffee table a once over. Perhaps she started picking toys up off the floor and putting them away.

No big deal right?

Perhaps you’d be fine with that! Crack on MIL, let me grab you the bleach!

or maybe you’d feel judged and offended. Like she thought you weren’t keeping your home nice enough for her son and grandchildren.

The most respectful way to behave is to acknowledge people have different standards and accept that.

I agree with a pp that if you cannot accept that, just send DH and the kids.

Don't eat the cake and if she asks why say "we're too worried about the crumbs".

I'm as relaxed about visitors ( particularly family) as they come, but even I'd object to kids jumping on my sofa and would expect their parents to stop them.

It’s really unpleasant the way some people equate manners with lack of love or closeness, just so they can boast.

Unless you’re talking about taking milk from the fridge to make tea, or something like that, I think it’s bad manners and inconsiderate to take food from someone else's fridge without asking, however wonderful your relationship. For all you know, they might have been needing that cheese etc. for tonight's recipe.

I have two daughters, to whom I’m very close. When in my house they would always say "Is it ok if I eat this cheese?" etc. before taking it, though I’ve never specifically asked them to. They're just considerate people with good manners, and as they’re adults they understand why the house-owner/cook might need to know. (If they knew I had a custom of buying specifically, ready for them, something I don’t eat myself, that might be different.)

I can remember by cousins child visiting once - they seemed to touch everything- and pick up every ornament.
We were never allowed to do that... I always took a bag of toys when the kids were little to keep them occupied.

I wouldn’t allow random strangers to go in my cupboards but when DD is grown up I would be upset if she didn’t think she could go into the cupboards to make herself and her children something. Our home will always be a home for our daughter whether she lives with us or not. And my friends- same with them, we shared houses at uni so again no issues.

I have read the OP’s posts and some (but not all) of the responses.

Just send your husband on his own. He can take the children and you get a break.

She probably sees you and the kids as chaotic and a bit slovenly - she knows crumbs and shoes don't matter to you in your own house (which is fair enough), so she can't quite trust you to behave as if it matters in hers. It sounds like visits make you and her equally anxious.

I feel for you both, tbh. Neither of you are being unreasonable - your standards are just incompatible with a relaxed time at hers.