Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

These folks are family, not some random! YANBU

YANBU, I would also object to being controlled.
However, I do agree with taking shoes off indoors and I also agree that children shouldn't be jumping on the sofa.

When they are producing this kind of feeling it seems to cross the line from just being overly house proud to being manipulative, with a situation that can move on to being low level abusive. We went through it with MIL and SIL (who lives at home and has diagnosed untreated MH problems, but is also very malicious and manipulative). We are now very low contact (SIL basically drives all the GC away from PIL) and neither MIL or SIL will ever have any solo contact with DC after I have seen and learnt of more disturbing things.

It is about control and put downs, in our case driven by a complete lack of reality.

Even if it is not as bad as our case do not let her obsessions make your DC feel bad.

I didn’t mean literally jumping off the sofa non stop, I mean kids tend get a bit wild and want to make dens with the sofa etc!

I don’t let me son go to random houses and go wild over the sofas but think kids sometimes like to have fun and do stuff like that! And it sounds like the OP FIL encourages it!

I will never see my children and grandkids as 'visitors'. They're my family who've come round to see me.

They can go anywhere in my house and put the kettle on any time they like. They will of course ask before helping themselves to a snack, though usually I get the offer in first.

I have a couple of 'Grandma's house' rules for the grandkids that aren't rules at their house, but they've grown up with them (they sit at the table to eat, not the sofa, for instance) as I have them for occasional childcare.

I’ve seen food debris scattered everywhere described as ‘some crumbs’, so that can be open to wide interpretation.

Taking shoes off is normal imo. I don’t think not wanting people to freely wander around your house and help themselves to whatever is in your fridge is at all unusual either. As far as jumping on the couches goes - well, no shit they don’t like it. It doesn’t actually matter if it can cause damage or not, don’t allow your kids to do it in someone else’s home.

Your way isn’t the ‘correct’ way, but nor is hers. You’re both doing what works for you, and both of you are well within the realms of normal as far as standards go. You’re just different. You don’t have to like or understand her standards any more than she does yours, but if you’re in her home then it’s on you to respect them. Or don’t go to her house.

Of course they're visitors! I wonder how many people thinking the same way as the person who said one's children are not visitors would accept the reverse, ie when parents visit their child's home they're not visitors and can do as they wish? Surely her MIL isn't allowed to think like that, there are those pesky MN things, 'boundaries'!

Gosh, this sounds like going to my ex husband's parents' place. As you say, it was totally 'managed'. His stepmother was a total control freak though.

My grandchildren used to play the floor is lava at my house too. And sometimes they took the cushions of the sofa and put then on the floor to play with.
Nothing was ruined. It was fine.

I don't want to live in a show house. I want a home where my children and grandchildren feel welcome and relaxed.
They take their shoes off when they come in the house but I have never stood over them when they do it, and as for worrying about crumbs that's just bonkers. There is time to clear them up when they have gone.

I have no idea why you're getting so much shit from PPs! They're acting as if it's normal to be hypervigilant in case a guest drops a crumb, creases a sofa cushion or disarranges your millimetre-perfect fridge shelf arrangement. It isn't.

MIL seems to experience visitors as contaminants. I have a SIL like this - the difference being that she knows she has a mental health condition and does her best to manage it. We never visit each other's houses, we meet in restaurants that meet her exacting standards.

Sympathies, @ShowHouse. Did poor DH grow up being treated like toxic waste, or is it just you and the DC?

I have relatives and friends (age from 25 to 85) who have show home type environment that are shiny and pristine- some are very IG. Their house is very much a display of how they’re doing, represents what’s important to them, pristine house is a statement of who they are, what they value, what’s important to them. It’s an important visual to them.
Growing up a clean house was absolutely the expectation- Irish and Scottish mammies who literately scrubbed,cleaned and maintained ordered houses. They were in no way relaxed about housekeeping. In no way were they OCD or unwell they were simply conforming to a norm and expectation
i have friends who have pristine homes it’s not necessarily an older adult thing - it’s a what you’re brought up with or want to maintain thing
i have some friends & relatives whom you can just wander into kitchen and help self and that’s ok. Other friends& relatives see visitors as guests and they want to host and they’d feel it was inappropriate for visitor to wander off make tea etc. they’d think they’d offers inadequate food etc and feel embarrassed
some people just don’t have an informal style when they have visitors and they’re unlikely to suddenly acquire it

I would. I mean, if no one is enjoying these visits - kids bored, PIL paranoid, OP stressed - then they do sound a bit like an exercise in mutual masochism 😂.

@Goldbar
I suppose they could ... I don't know - maybe it's a bit noisy than their home
Maybe op should suggest that.

Fine, if you are happy for children jumping off sofas. But are they learning that it's ok to jump off sofas anywhere? They might be and this could cause their parents difficulties or embarrassment in places less welcoming than your house. Better to stop them jumping off all furniture?
I would not dream of taking something from DiL's fridge, or DD's or DS's, without permission.

Why not see them at soft play/the park then?

I hate visits to homes where the host doesn't make me feel welcome. A friend's mother was like that. It was as if we were wild animals that didn't know how to behave. We were adults, so we weren't going to do anything but sit politely and chat.

If MiL visited my house I would offer her tea. I'd probably ask if she would like tea if I visited her house, of course. Bit semantic now as both my MiLs are dead.

Why on earth would anyone be worried about a few crumbs on the floor? Isn't that what vacuum cleaners are for? Surely they must be more than ordinarily familiar with them already. Maybe they're worried that hordes of mice will materialise and start having a party. I absolutely acknowledge anyone's right to have their home how they like it, but sometimes it's worth unclenching just a little bit rather than micromanaging your guests. Being obvious about your fastidiousness makes it more likely that people will accidentally do something that's against the 'rules' due to sheer nervousness. Watching while people remove their shoes is just weird and overbearing, especially if people are regular visitors and know the drill.

Seriously you think it’a normal for kids to be jumping off furniture? I

I had 3 children, they were not allowed to jump or climb on the furniture, i have 14 nephews and Nieces and they weren't allowed either.
Do you allow your children to use family and friends furniture as a climbing frame ?

Your post doesn’t make sense and I’m not a girl. But goodbye.

Ok!

I think wheelchair wheel socks are so cheap and must be an essential considering how inconsiderate so many dog owners are allowing their dog shit anywhere.

Jumping on a sofa is not something I would tolerate mh children doing.

We take shoes off here but I don't insist on adult guests do.
Many years ago a child brought a lot of shit in on their shoe and no child has come in since with them on.

I wouldn't dream of opening the fridge in another persons house without asking but the crumbs on the tablecloth is ridiculous IMO.

Best you stay away and leave your husband to it.
Inevitably children will vote with their feet as they grow up if they don't feel made welcome.

We were actually raised with manners, opening your parents fridge does not equate manners or lack of. These same people talking about manners would rudely tell their parents to shut up but think opening a fridge is the definition of manners. Girl bye

Every person and their cross. We're quite free in our family like this, same with if my siblings come to mine or i go to theirs. Of course if my siblings were to get married or myself, then this would be different.