Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

Also OP, can you solve the problem by inviting her over to you regularly? Might just be easier until dd is older.

Poor excuse for allowing your child to jump off the sofa

Why is your kid jumping on her furniture?

Shows off is polite. (It’s unusual dh grew up shoes off and now is happy to walk round the house with shoes on, doesn’t feel relaxing for most people).

no child should jump on any furniture, at all. Ever. Not even your own, it’s quite dangerous as well as risks damaging the furniture.

Theres no right or wrong to it, I dont like it or allow it, who cares what 'most families' do.

You for things different - fair enough.
Don't go if you don't want to. If you do go relax and keep your child under control.

Does she twitch when she's in your grubby house and has to perch on your trashed sofa?

I dont expect people to take their shoes off in my house but i have no problem doing it in other people's houses. It is a bit odd if she stands and watches you, but maybe she sees that you dont think much of her house rules and you dont control the kids properly, so she doesnt want them going off into other rooms where they might be destructive.

I can’t imagine having such a formal relationship with my parents that I would say Mum can I open the fridge and get the milk out to make myself a cup of tea? Seems so weird!

I couldn’t be arsed with that, visits should be relaxing.

However please don’t let your kids jump on other people’s sofas. It’s really quite bad manners.

My children and grandchildren are free to go into my fridge. I'm happy for them to make themselves drinks and help themselves to whatever they want. Why not? Surely most families allow this?

You child would be ask to sit on the floor here....

Our house is messy, like messy messy, and I look at dm’s house which is pristine and although I like lived in, full of fun etc etc, I get how if you liked the minimalist kind of pristine look it would drive you mad for someone to just come in and kind of assume it would be more homely if you just threw off your shoes and played a bit! No doubt it took hard work to get it to that!

This, I dont get who these people are that visit others and want to wander round their house, whats that about?

You don’t have to be Agatha Christie…She watches over you because you’re the sort of CF person who lets their child jump up and down on someone else’s sofa.

I wouldn't go into someone's house, wander around, open their fridge and jump on their furniture. That would be weird.
Just don't go, I'm sure she won't mind.

Lots of people don't want outdoor shoes worn in the house. Letting your children jump on other people's furniture is rude and so is rummaging through their fridge unasked.

I mean, it doesn't seem the most relaxed of settings but it's not unreasonable.

Agree that they're anal tbh, i couldn't be around someone like that but I do understand where it comes from

If you've ever been called dirty, it's a really horrible feeling and carries great shame, so you become super anxious that everything appears clean

Maybe the jumping off of the furniture is a bit much though, knowing how they are

Id ask dp to tell them to loosen up! But I'd stop the jumping x

I wouldnt just bugger off as people are coming in either, presumably you're taking your shoes off as you're coming in, so she's waiting for you to finish doing that, whats she supposed to do?

Not everyone likes people in 'their' kitchen, I certainly dont, I dont like people helping themselves or going in the fridge either

I wouldnt expect children are disrespectful enough to jump off sofas, I would expect their parents to be in control of them.

Perhaps she is anxious about keeping the home clean, nothing wrong with that in itself, perhaps its better to meet outside the home anyway

She's also complained about dd jumping off a sofa and other dc and I just think why bother.

You saved the point on which she is emphatically NOT being unreasonable until last, I note.

Other than the tense atmosphere, I’m not sure any of that is particularly unreasonable? Obviously, you don’t need to visit if it means you feel unwelcome.

I had relatives like this when I was a child there was a formality and certainly no going off to other room, and no going making tea etc. It was their notion of guests and visitors and it was some what regimented. I agree it’s not very conducive and probably does create an atmosphere. So, what are you able to do?

options
You abide by her rules, accepting that is just how it is. Her house her rules and all that
You or dp say something- inevitably that will cause a degree of offence

Right now
stop your children jumping off her sofa, I imagine that’ll help

She has nice stuff and doesn't want it ruined. Of course she doesn't want shoes on in her house, or crumbs, or her sofa being jumped on. Seems ok to me. Why would you wander around in someone else's house? Why would you go into the snug if that's not where the rest of the family is? It's rude to open other people's cupboards or fridges unless invited to do so. She's making tea and serving cake, why do you need to help yourself?
Sounds like you just have different expectations of how visits to parents/grandparents go. But her house, her rules

Some people are like that , the answer is don’t visit her have her to yours or just send your husband with the child/ children . I was completely onboard with you aside from the jumping off sofas - chairs are for sitting on they are not a trampoline.

Sounds quite normal to me.
What's she supposed to do while you take your shoes off? It would be very unwelcoming to disappear somewhere.
You're shown into a room that your PIL like to entertain in.
I wouldn't go into my parents' or PIL's fridge without asking.
And I definitely wouldn't allow my children to jump on anyone else's furniture.
Sorry. YABU.