Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

And will you please tell us all what your DP thinks of all this?

If they won't visit you, then there can be no expectation you visit them. They can hardly object, when they do the same, so just don't go.

This sounds bloody awful!
Those saying kids shouldn’t be jumping off the sofa, if you invite kids over it’s what they do! Unless you plan to sit down and entertain them with toys and games! It makes things very uncomfortable worrying if they touch, break or make a mess! My MIL was a bit like this when she lived with her ex so we just didn’t go there as it was too stressful for us!

It’s not polite to jump off your host’s furniture.

YABU to expect to feel as relaxed in your PIL’s house as in that of your parents.

Maybe she is justified in controlling your visit after all you let your children jump on furniture.

Crikey, if my MIL got actually cross at my children for jumping off her sofa one single time then I wouldn't take them back over. Young children can't be perfect 24/7, mistakes happen and they are learning! However if it became a reapeated thing and they didn't listen then of course that would change things.

Does she have any toys or books there that the children are allowed to play with or does everyone just have to sit on their hands there, tidy, seen and not heard.

Maybe she has ocd or some other sort of anxiety and she feels the need to be in control. It’s her home and while it’s not ideal, it’s not all the time. I think just grin and bear it. I suspect it’s not easy for her and she probably wishes she could be more relaxed but she can’t (said as a suffering control freak).

What does your DH say, were they like this when he was growing up? Does he notice anything or think it's all OK?
Tbh, it sounds to me like there is something behind all this, like one of them having some kind of anxiety disorder or something? And as she isn't being rude or critical to you but just the atmosphere is making you uncomfortable I'd say suck it up and keep visiting for the sake of your DC relationships.
Not everyone's house is a 'muck in and all act like family'. Them prefering a more formal hosting isn't 'refuse to visit' worthy IMO.

It sounds so uptight. My ex PIL were a bit like that.

Every time we put something down, she’d pick it up and put it in the room we were staying in. Never relaxed. No lingering over the dinner table. No going with the flow. Frowned on if you wandered through in PJs first thing to have coffee. Instead expected you to shower and dress first. Lots of fussing around. I found it too much.

I’d limit how often you go and if you live nearby maybe suggest meeting them on neutral territory (e.g. at a country park with a nice cafe) with the kids. Or for picnics in the summer. We didn’t have that option as we lived too far away for a day trip or even one night.

I think some people get used to having their home ‘just so’ (unlike our home which is always dishevelled and people popping in and out) and feel anxious about having visitors. Some people just aren’t very good hosts. The art of being a good host is people feel welcome, relaxed and can be themselves.

If your children jump on the sofa and chairs with their shoes on, it's not surprising your in laws aren't keen on visiting - I wouldn't fancy sitting on someone's sofa if children had been jumping all over it wearing shoes!

My mh improved massively when I stopped visiting ils...

You're not going to win here OP. Mumsnet thinks anybody who is a shoes on household drags dog shit all over their carpet on a daily basis. Personally I grew up in a slipper household so shoes were taken off in the kitchen and put away. Any carpeted areas were slippers only. Visitors usually kept their shoes on though.

I don't have carpet anywhere in my house so wouldn't insist visitors take their shoes off unless they offer. Any friends will usually offer and they get offered the guest slippers.

My mum is like your MIL. In the old days she would have been described as house proud. Nowadays I'd say she's mentally ill. I don't visit very often and if I do we sit in the kitchen not the living room as it's a hell of a lot warmer.

Who suggests the visits? Send dh with the dc.. Maybe when HE is expected to 'control' the dc she won't be as bad...

I would absolutely hate that.

At the end of the day, it’s their loss that they won’t have a loving close relationship, they can enjoy their crumb free life.

My mum has an open fridge rule, and the kids are welcome to make themselves at home. They might even have made sofa forts or even jumped around a bit at their DGMs house. Happy memories all round really.

Unfortunately they don't like coming to our house, we have invited them.
They won't accept any offers of tea or snacks and don't seem comfortable.

Why do you think that is?
How do other people feel coming and eating at yours?
Essentially do you have some extensive cleaning and child wrangling to do? Or are they extremely uptight about kid's behaviour and hygiene? Or are you both at opposite ends of the spectrum of what would be considered normal by most people?

But the reality is, you know it’s likely to happen, so you anticipate that and get a strategy to prevent it
YES. maybe the atmosphere is uptight and they act up, highly likely. they’ll pick up from you
So, what you going to do?

Take a board game, or a pack of cards to teach the kids how to play Rummy, a plastic table cloth and some craft. Anything to get you all together having fun. Make the effort. They sound anxious to please but don’t quite know what to do with you. No one should be jumping on sofas or wandering about. (A relative of ours used to hand out crocheted slippers to visitors and ask everyone if they had washed their hands after going to the loo).

Cannot cope with all these high horses. A kid jumps down from a sofa once, with grandpa encouraging it it sounds like? how can you judge her parenting so harshly from that? None of your kids ever did something on a playdate that you were a little embarrassed by? Perfection behaviour without any errors from age 2?

Anyway, back to the other 90% of the OP. I would feel similarly with such formality and observation at a parents/ILs house. Maybe meet for family-friendly days out instead, or at the park. Somewhere your kids can let off a bit of steam and where you're not neutral territory!

I need to say OCD is a debilitating and serious psychiatric condition,it adversely impacts every day life
Let’s clear this up right now, OCD is NOT being neat, it is not being tidy, it isn’t being organised .
I’ll say it again OCD is a debilitating disorder and it’s hard to live with and it’s tricky to treat

Mate. It’s fairly clear they think you are slovenly and dirty.

You’re getting a hard time here OP. It all sounds so formal and anxiety inducing. I would reduce visits and maybe suggest meeting for a walk in the park. I would feel very unwelcome if I were in your shoes.

It’s because you let the kids jump off the sofa etc . she watches you all as you are not respecting her environment. Her house , her rules.