Fed up of mils rules in show home it's ridiculous

Exactly. I shake my head at how some people think it's reasonable for them to have strict boundaries but one else is allowed to place any limits on their behavior.

Yeah I wouldn’t want someone rooting though my fridge for the milk or just wondering about my house or garden even.

Mils terrible for it goes out for a fag which is bad enough but then she can’t or won’t just sit she has to wonder all the land and comment on every plant or weed and just be invasive like bindweed.

Don’t get why they watch over the shoes and fil should be to blame for the sofa jump.

In your own home, you can do whatever you want. When you're a guest at your in-laws home, that would probably be considered to be rude.

Oh yeah.

jaleousy and control issues. It is sad women can be so domineering to feel valued or just seen.

honestly. Just don’t bother. Don’t communicate with her or answer at all. Block her if you need to. You do your thing, let dp invite his mum when he wants AND handle her if she decides to come. Coffee? Cake? Tea?...let him do Everything and tell her HE did.
that should shut her up. If not...your dp can have the fall out and the drama to deal with and figure out himself he maybe doesn’t want his mum to come around that much.

If all did go tits up already...just let him go alone. Block and ignore. Don’t go. Don’t invite.

Good luck 🌺

Gosh. Sounds like you’re not a fan of your in laws and are finding fault in everything they do. Perhaps even seeing things that aren’t there.
Obviously they enjoy your company otherwise you wouldn’t continue to get invites to their house. You acknowledge yourself that she simply asked the children to stop jumping off the sofa. This doesn’t sound like she overreacted and your children listened, so are you perhaps the only one who’s thought anything more of it than what it was?

I think your comments about the BBQ seem particularly mean and bitter. My dad is in his 70s and has no reason to “watch” what he spends but he grew up in a large family in the 50s where money was tight. It’s engrained in him to save money and find the best value items. He doesn’t particularly notice or appreciate the taste of more expensive options. I doubt she is deliberately bragging about how cheap the food was to say “you’re not worth spending more money on”, she genuinely thinks she’s found a good deal and perhaps is making conversation.
In any event I would simply suggest that if you dislike it that much, you start to reduce the number of times you visit them and leave you husband to do the visits with the children. Its quite simple really.

"I do feel for you but you must also realise that any extreme behaviour becomes a burdon for those close to you!"

How absolutely ridiculous. I think you need to realise how much of a burden it is to us with OCD. It's not a fun little game we play. Christ, it's not like we can help the "extreme behaviour" and if those around us think it's such a burden then they can piss off.

Of course YABU. I hate crumbs, kids make crumbs, maybe it is too much for you but so what, it's not your house.

She watches you take your shoes off? And? You allow your kids to jump on - sorry off furniture so I think I'd be watching to make sure you take your kids shoes off too.

She doesn't like your kids jumping "off" furniture. Nor would I, regardless if it's different from jumping on it like a trampoline, that is someone's furniture in someone's house. You can not blame your FIL for "winding them up enough to jump off the sofa" that's on them and on you. Your children should know it's not acceptable.

Her 'rules' are reasonable and if you don't like them you can just not go anymore. I'm sure your MIL would be much happier.

Totally agree the husband should address this with his mother and protect his family.

Skipping visits sounds very appealing, but be cautious. We had a similar situation with MIL and a very malicious SIL who lives at home (has MH issues, though no treatment). SIL has bizarre issues with control and reality and seemed to thoroughly enjoy splitting the family. She has also behaved inappropriately to DC. Please do not let this divide your own family and your DC may need protection (that a wet lettuce of a husband may not be able to pull himself together to provide).

Sorry I can’t get the image of Hyacinth Bucket out of my head! 🤣

It doesn’t sound like a comfortable place to visit.

However I’m totally with her on the not jumping on sofa thing.

Absolutely not!!!
It might lead to jumping!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP, it sounds like the visits are awful. Don't put your kids through that feeling of being unworthy, or maybe limit it to once or twice a year, two hours max.
And why are people describing OP's MiL as a good host? Mentioning the housework guests are causing you is the height of poor hosting.

Not sure what prompted this reaction ..but errr ok ?

OFF FFS. Off.

It’s her house and she’s obviously houseproud . What’s the big deal ? And who wants kids jumping on furniture…. Or helping themselves in the kitchen . You’re putting your relaxed style as a benchmark which is unfair . If you feel that strongly don’t go ..or send your husband .

Blimey my in laws have an amazingly clean tidy lovely home but if we go over there's up to 7 kids sometimes and it's actually lovely watching them all playing running round laughing and I know my mil loves seeing them all so happy and also floor is lava is a must with cushions off the settee lol xx

Did you just read this one post in isolation, or did you read my initial post, which this led on from and clearly explains I suffer with debilitating OCD and I need my home to be structured, organised and safe (from my perceived fears).

I do not just choose to be particular and controlling of my own space. I have to put my mental health first in my home and I try to manage it when I visit others, but in my home doing things a particular way matters.

Although I don’t broadcast my OCD to friends and family, the people who matter know and understand.

Or she’ll be totally fine in the company of people that don’t take any issue with her house rules.

Well then you have nobody to blame when your family decide it’s too unpleasant to visit you and you become isolated and lonely.

Yes we can agree to disagree! I don’t enjoy it when my son wants to mess up the sofa and make a den but my DH thinks I’m mean and so I am a lot more chilled now!

Read all your posts, OP, and am struck by how timid your DH is with his parents. He needs to stand up for himself and his family. If he's really struggling some counselling might help. Life is too short to live like this, your MIL does sound extremely controlling. If things don't improve send him over with the kids and stay at home. I think you are developing hormonal migraines, aren't you? 😉

Are we allowed to have sex on sofas

My in laws could be hard work, but not once was I supervised removing shoes. I totally get you, it’s too much.

I was however conscious that his mum kept everywhere really clean and tidy so I would feel anxious if the kids were making a mess, my mil actually didn’t mind.

There was one occasion I came home from work to all three kids jumping on the back room sofas and told them off and her response was “they said they were allowed to do that” 😆. Because 5,7 and 9 year olds were to be believed….

Okay sofa jumping aside, I’ve always felt very comfortable in my parent’s house and my in laws. Very much a ‘feel at home’ vibe. My in laws don’t care if DH or I make tea at intervals and my parents are the same. (My in laws work from home so in fairness they can’t really wait on us all the time).

Maybe it’s a personality thing? or maybe she’s forgotten what it’s like to live with small children. I would never mention crumbs in front of guests, I think that’s a weird and passive aggressive way to behave.

You may have to reduce your visits and when you do visit, just accept it’s the way she is.

Hi,

sounds like you have a complete different way to envisage home or visit to family.
Can you not stick to hers whilst you are there and invite PIL over so that you can also relax?

You need to be flexible and ready to hear other point of view that you disagree with.

Good luck op 🌺

Nope - sofas are for sitting on. Not for making dens. We will have to agree to disagree. Messing around with sofas is one of my big bugbears. I didn’t allow jumping on beds either