To think that the concept of ‘unconditional love’ does more harm than good?

This thread reminds me of posters pontificating that they woukd give their lives for their children etc. Words are cheap especially when you are safely at home in a stable country and you are not likely to be tested. It’s easy to say you love your adorable child / lovely teen unconditionally. In my job I do see parents hitting their limit with adult children. And it’s not that the children do anything dramatically criminally bad.

The most common is the adult child leaves home and drops the parents entirely usually men getting a new family. The parents try and try. One parent gets ill. The other pleads with adult child to at least visit. They don’t. The ill parent then dies broken hearted. The surviving parent often thinks “fuck you then” about the adult child.

Brilliant post and I agree. Unconditional doesn’t mean condoning, it means your love being stretched but not breaking.

Only my son is unconditional. If my husband of twenty plus years cheated or got violent it would be over

I mean love. Would you still love him??

I dint see any difference. If your son became a right wing violent incel paedofile bigot who assaulted women for kicks would you really still like him?

Out of interest if your dog bit your child would you still love them?

I'd say it's more likely you would have unconditional love for a dog than the child.

Beyond the age of about 9 or 10, children develop more of the kind of free will they will have as adults. They can make decisions based on something other than what you've taught them. As they get older, other influences in their life affect what they do. They may choose to deliberately go against you or the moral code you've tried to instil in them. You may still love them unconditionally but depending on what they choose, it may feel harder to do that.

With a dog you've raised from puppy, they have only two things which affect how they behave. How you've raised them, or natural instinct. If your dog bites someone, they are acting on one of those two parameters and in no way can you blame a dog for that.

I think unconditional love is involuntary, at least it is in my case. I don't think there's anything that can stop a mother (in most cases) from loving her child. The bond is just too strong. If the child does something so heinous that the relationship can't continue, I don't think the unconditional love dies, it just becomes a source of pain rather than joy.

Unconditional love only applies from parents to children in my opinion. No matter what my children I would never stop loving them. I might be disappointed or horrified by their behaviour but nothing would stop that love.

With regards to partners - unconditional love doesnt and shouldn't exist. I should not unconditionally love a partner that beats me or cheats on me or abuses me in any way and the whole idea of unconditional love in this context is horribly toxic.

I don't believe it exists.

I think everyone has a breaking point, even with their children. Thankfully, most of us never have to reach it.

If my child commits the most heinous crimes, I am sure I will have very strong feelings towards them still. I would love them for who they once were and the history that we share, and I have no doubt I would care for them. But I am not so sure that is actively loving someone. It's complicated emotions and strong biological drives. Love is a verb rings true to me.

I don't think unconditional love is possible tbh. Everyone reaches a point where enough is enough.

I actually think it’s fair enough that the younger generation that can be arsed to make an effort with old people get rewarded. The niece that visits weekly/ drives the elderly person to appointments/ does her weekly shop bloody deserves to inherit her house rather than bone idle nephew she’s not seen for 20 years who has done sod all.

The poor op whose 17 year old son is being prosecuted for watching CSA is at the sharp end of this.

The book and film We Need To Talk About Kevin explores this further it’s not an easy watch / read though.

I always thought that loving unconditionally meant that it was without transaction. For example my MIL will reward her grandchildren that visit with gifts and money, DS who has long since sussed her out gets very little, but she will tell him that it’s because he doesn’t visit her/ do stuff for her.
He would prefer not to be rewarded for visiting her so doesn’t. He loves her despite her behaviour. He considers love is enough.

I love my DS, I don’t always like or approve of his behaviour and would have no problem handing him over if he did anything illegal. But our emotional connection is based on trust and love, I don’t expect him to demonstrate his love in exchange for mine. He is a generous person but he does understand that relationships outside of family are usually transactional. He has a couple of very close long term friends that I would consider unconditional.

Although, he hasn’t quite sussed women. To him, his first love was unconditional but she took advantage of this and it didn’t end well. He’s realised that unconditional takes time and probably only possible when both of you feel the same way.

I’m with DH, his father, because I love him. Due to his mother not being an unconditional type it took him a long time to realise this and would frequently ask if I still loved him. My answer has always been, if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t be here. He thought that there was always a but.

I thought I loved my children unconditionally. But it turned out that when one of them, as an adult, behaved in a terrible way which I couldn't understand and found absolutely abhorrent, the love went away.

I believe the only people we love unconditionally are our children and at a push other family members like parents. But everyone else in my world could do something to make me stop loving them.

First post nails it!

It goes without saying that not all parents do love their children unconditionally but many do. Because not everyone is the same.

They may have cut ties but have they explicitly said "I don't love you anymore". Because in my professional experience of working with families it's usually more like "I love you but we can't do this any more".

I think when your child is small and adorable
and relies on you totally you have the luxury of believing in unconditional love. However I see families professionally where reasonable and loving parents have cut the ties because frankly there are limits to what you can accept from an adult child..

Nope

No..I don't have any issues with you expressing an opinion on unconditional love. I agree with you that MN is a place where people express their opinions. But you said you think anyone who talks about loving their children unconditionally are trying to prove or impose something ON YOU.... it's an interesting and unusual take to assume that people who talk about loving their children unconditionally are only saying it to make YOU feel a certain way. Because it couldn't possibly just be them describing their own emotions. It is egotistical and magical thinking to assume that other people's motivation for chatting about their emotions has anything to do with you. Which is kind of "up yourself".

Er, MN is about expressing your opinions. In this case - my opinion - on a ridiculous and meaningless expression. The OP asked for opinions. Jeezus C, this place is so up itself..

Why do think that people expressing their opinions and beliefs about their own emotions is an act designed to elicit a response in you. Surely that's egocentric on your part?

Loving someone deeply doesn't preclude you from having boundaries. Unconditional love means that you will never stop loving them it doesn't mean that you will accept very bad behaviour.

It would have to be something very extreme for me to stop loving my children, something like them very seriously injuring or killing or SA against another of my children.