What would you do in my situation?

I've been in precisely your situation, OP. My brother is an alcoholic, now in recovery for 18 months. Our parents are dead, and by way of family I am all he has.

I did what you did. Put him through rehab, making a massive hole in our bank accounts in the process. It didn't work, of course. Only when he was in an advanced state of cirrhosis and practically at death's door, spending over a month in hospital whilst they detoxed him again and nursed him back to health, did he see the light. Sometimes, this is what it takes: a straightforward choice to die or to live.

Of course, as loving sisters we go into rescuer mode. That's understandable. But you have to keep yourself at a distance to preserve your own and your children's wellbeing.

Our father was an alcoholic too. I saw a lot as a child that I shouldn't have seen. Please, OP, do not expose your children to this. It can become a pattern within families, sadly.

An addict will steal. An addict will lie. An addict can become abusive. An addict will stay in denial in the face of all evidence to the contrary. It's the nature of the disease. The only thing they care about is their next fix. And there comes a point where, if you're not careful, you will end up enabling their addiction. Sometimes tough love is in their own best interests because they really do need to feel the consequences of what they do if they're to have any hope of change.

I feel for you so much. It's a rough road to travel when a loved one is an addict. Are there any local family support groups, such as those run by the Forward Trust? They helped me no end.

Sending all positivity to you. You are allowed to look after yourself as well.

You admit you have never been in this situation. Plenty of us on here have. There are some very common themes if you look carefully.

No professionals worth their salt would advise anyone to take on something or someone who potentially exposes their young children to an alcoholic or drug abuser, for all the reasons others have explained.

Anyway, she said that her brother had walked out on the professionals, not that anyone had advised her to take him on.

But OP may not feel or respond to situations in the same way as you and not all addicts will act in the same way.

There may be a deep history as to why OP feels she needs to help. She has to do what she feels is right and what professionals advise. Not what an anonymous forum advise who know nothing about the situation.

Please don’t. You cannot cure an addict. The only person that can do this is the addict themselves.

This could do untold damage to your children. Don’t do it.

If you want to wreck your marriage and turn your family home into an emotional (and possibly financial) wasteland then go ahead. I speak through bitter experience. You will, without a shadow of doubt, regret the day you let him live with you. You're beyond naive to think you'll get him back on his feet and you'll never get him to leave your home. Your children will suffer and your DH will walk out. I see your future. Please don't do it.

Am I being completely bonkers? I’m willing to give him one chance.

@Alwaybkind Yes - you are completely bonkers, although I understand how much you care for him and want to help. The thing is, he has already had 'one chance' and he walked out - or perhaps more likely was thrown out for using again? You can't ever know whether an addict is telling the truth. He walked out, because he wasn't 100% committed, either way. It needs to come from him.

It is well known ( and there are posters on here, who have much more intimate knowledge of addictions, who are saying this too) that trying to help him is actually the opposite of helping. It is enabling him to stay as he is. Every addict has to reach their own 'rock bottom' before they can start to really want to change things.

Your thoughts do you credit, but you really must not offer to put him up. (Neither should your Mother, for the same reasons), which not a few posters are suggesting. You have to think of your children and your DH. point him in the direction of the Council or other help, but you can't do more

I completely understand your desire to help your brother but your first responsibility is to your children and your husband. I think you'd be wrong to bring your brother into your home against your husband's wishes. He is rightly being protective of his children's safety.

Can you go with your brother to your local council and try and sort out housing for him? Could he stay with your mum? It sounds like he might be wavering in his sobriety if he has left rehab and he is at high risk of relapsing. He needs to get support quickly from local addiction services, however they will take a dim view of him leaving rehab. Is there any way they'd take him back if he agreed to return?

Protect your home at all costs. It is a safe place for your children and a haven for you. Whatever action you take to help your brother, do it out of your home. Your first responsibility is to your children not to disturb their safe, stable home. They don't have the option to leave and go elsewhere, they're completely dependent on you.

Really pleased to hear that @Locutus2000. It gladdens me.

I think it's really important to humanise addiction, whilst also separating the person from the addiction.

BUT when a person is engaged with active addiction, that is a choice they make every day.

The whys and wherefores are secondary, because it may have started as an escape, but now it's become The Thing.

And you can't sort the reasons out until you address The Thing.

It's so cyclical.

And it's why alcoholism and drug addiction are known as 'family diseases'.

Because it affects everyone in the family, down to a mirroring of the use of substances to escape from the effect of the use of substances.

Some do! My therapist is a recovered addict who has been clean for many years. It can happen, but the addict has to make the decision for themselves.

It wouldn't be responsible to move a recovering addict into a house with children, and your primary responsibility is to your children.

Your brother has made a big error walking out of rehab, sadly. Be aware there may be quite a bit more to the story than he is telling you.

A good phrase I sometimes see on MN: don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. Your priority must be your children. Let your mother's priority be her son. Your family sentiments are admirable, but listen to the advice on this thread, which is unequivocal - put yourself and your own family first and don't try to save an addict who has walked out of treatment.

Rehab is in the nature of a last chance. If you want the chance, you accept that it won't be an entirely pleasurable experience.

No problem and many apologies on my part @Puzzledandpissedoff; I misinterpreted your tone which isn’t always easy to discern on here sometimes! 😁

Op I hope you find the right balance for yourself and your family in supporting your dh, but stepping back a little. It’s far from easy.

Your brother is an adult and you have children who need to come first.

I would have thought if rehab didn't work (given that they have the experience and knowledge to deal with addicts) then there's not much chance that you'll succeed. Plus there are all sorts of risks. It's understandable that you want to help, but I don't think you can.

Realistically - you'd be housing him for years.

He might be clean now (he probably isn't however) but rehab isn't a neat, steady progress kinda thing, its back and forth, its falling off the wagon, its frustration and depression and anger and denial..

That would be hard to live with even if it were just you and him and you had no other commitments or responsibilities.

If he wanted to get clean, he'd have stayed at rehab. He can't sleep because he is an addict withdrawing from substances and possibly an unmedicated ADHD sufferer. You realise that getting a dx and treatment for ADHD could take years, 5 - 7 years is the current outlook for the NHS route for adults. And treatment may not be possible for him even with a dx (I can't have any of the relevant meds!).

Your priority is your partner and your kids. You need to keep your home a sanctuary away from the stresses of real life... don't bring those stresses into your home and your kids lives!

Just take a step back OP

Why would you move in an addict so that they're in your DC's orbit?
I KNOW he's your brother
But he's an addict

I wouldn't, under any circumstances, allow an addict near my children

Kindly, you're delusional to think that this will work out ok

He chose to leave rehab. And I don't believe for a second that medical professionals forgot his sleeping meds for an entire week.
Something doesn't add up here.

There is no way I would move a drug addict in with my children. However much I loved him. They should come first and you shouldn't need us to tell you that.

OP, picture a scenario where one of your children walks in on your brother taking drugs or sees him when he is high. Imagine your child discussing it at school and social services getting involved. I work with children and 100% I would report if I knew a child was living with an addict. Sorry, but our safeguarding duties are to the children!

Help your brother find accommodation for himself and protect your kids. Maybe he can move in with your mum?

I'm not sure I'd believe that about the sleeping pills, OP. They have a duty of care to him and surely he would remind them they hadn't given him his pills? Surely he's speaking to staff in the daytime and could say he hadn't slept?

He walked out of his rehab for a spurious reason. He’s not 100% committed to quitting. How on earth will you boot him out of your house when he starts drinking again. Don’t put yourself through that. It’s heart breaking but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

Please do not under any circumstances move an addict in with your kids.
Speaking from experience this would be the worst thing you could do and could have serious repercussions for them.

I can see you love your brother and are desperate to help him but by thinking you can support him in the ways you've mentioned you're enabling him.
As others have said, addicts lie. They lie about everything so you can guarantee that somewhere along the line, he's lying to you. There is absolutely nothing YOU can do to stop him using. Nothing. It doesn't matter how many meetings you take him too etc, unless he has decided to do by himself for himself then it won't happen. I would suggest you tell him that when he's been attending regular NA meetings several times a week (or even every day if necessary) for a year minimum, with all the step work and a sponsor, then you will consider helping him. I know this sounds harsh but it's a long and hard road to recovery and you should really do a lot more research and talking to the relevant people to start understanding this.

Personally, my experiences of living with an addict was horrendous. My story does have a happy ending but most don't. Please don't knowingly go down that road.

The rehab clinic probably didn’t forget to give your brother sleeping tablets. They didn’t want him becoming addicted to those next or relying on them permanently, instead of sorting out his sleeping patterns.

I know that you’re desperate to help your brother, but moving him into your home is definitely not the answer.

My fault for putting it badly, @Alongleadtimeplease - rather than querying what you wrote I was actually agreeing with you

As you rightly said, supporting him to access help himself could be a lot more effective in the end and certainly safer for OP's immediate family