Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect them to “ask” first?

38 replies

Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 09:36

Long story short, I live with adult DC (plus a younger DC), and walked out of the bathroom at 1am, in my onesie to see two men I know through work in the hallway. My adult son had invited them round, after a few drinks, for a gaming session.
I’ve never been so embarrassed.
YABU - it’s his home as well, he should be able to bring anyone back to the house, whenever he wants, with no concern for anyone else’s comfort.
YANBU - he should have at least messaged to say that he was bringing people back with them. I don’t think I’ve ever said “no”, but like to be given the opportunity to make myself scarce and retreat to my bedroom first.

I’m prepared to be told I was BU and grumpy because my younger daughter was sick (hence why I was still up), I’m exhausted and have a long (13 hr) work shift today and they were gaming loudly in the room directly under my bedroom, keeping me awake.

OP posts:
Zippidydoodah · 01/02/2025 10:40

He should have been more considerate, rent or not.

DustyLee123 · 01/02/2025 10:39

He shouldn’t be having any men in the house at night when there’s a young female there. Not unless you know them and have agreed.

Original poster
Reallyneedsaholiday · 01/02/2025 10:37

Apologies, I didn’t want to drip feed and thought I’d put it in the OP. Adult DCs pay for their share of household bills. (Ie extra costs incurred because they live in the house - food, gas, electric ) not “rent”/ contribute towards mortgage/ the house itself.
I don’t actually think that that’s a deciding factor (isn't to me anyway)
Its their home. They are welcome to have people around if they want to, just a heads up would have been nice. Completely took me by surprise, to see two work clients in my house, when I came out of the loo in my onesie 😩

OP posts:
OtterlyMad · 01/02/2025 10:26

If he’s paying rent then I don’t think he should have to ask permission, but he should definitely message other people in the household just to give them a heads up that there are going to be guests in the house (especially at that time at night!!) If I were in your shoes, I would be royally pissed off with my son and be having words with him about proper housemate etiquette.

BarbaraHoward · 01/02/2025 10:06

I think it's common courtesy to let you know, I would expect DH to do the same.

Whether he needs to ask permission is a different matter!

CynicalSunni · 01/02/2025 10:03

I think at that time of night they would have to ask first even if they paid rent.
It is outside of normal social hours.

Say it was 1700 i don't think they should ask unless they were going to take over the place for a few hours

PearlClutzsche · 01/02/2025 09:44

I think the loud gaming keeping you awake is the biggest problem here, but in any case a discussion about consideration for others and expectations of basic courtesy in a shared living space is surely needed.

jeaux90 · 01/02/2025 09:43

YANBU i

VoodooRajin · 01/02/2025 09:43

Gaming in the middle of the night whilst people are trying to sleep? No way

ladyofshertonabbas · 01/02/2025 09:42

He should message in advance, but did he think he’d wake you by messaging, or that you’d be asleep and wouldn’t cross paths with them?

MasterBeth · 01/02/2025 09:40

YANBU

A family living amicably together should always have concern for each other's comfort.

MelisandeLongfield · 01/02/2025 09:40

I think it's a case of needing to discuss some house rules. If you've never said he can't do this, I don't think he was wrong.

Is he paying you rent?

Agix · 01/02/2025 09:39

Is he paying rent like a tenant, or is he staying free? If he's paying rent, I'd say he doesn't have to ask. He's paying for a home. If he's staying free and it's your home, he has to ask.