DH and best friend messaging

And just to clarify - I'm not saying you should put the blame on her. He's scum and I think you should leave.

I also think she should have said something about it being inappropriate.

Came on to say what @Fraaances has said. It's not a case of friend understanding his MH problems but that she didn't immediately shut him down when he made inappropriate comments.
She shouldn't be laughing at it. By doing that she's giving the message it's ok. They are both culpable.

Mannnnn the pair of them have done a number on you. Like fuck would I be going to hang out with her. If she’s really a MH professional she would be cutting the comments dead but she’s loving it. You’re being spectacularly gaslit

It’s inappropriate for them to be chatting like this and she sounds a bloody awful friend. Why are you letting them walk all over you?

I have a policy of never chatting to any of my friend’s partners privately. I’ve seen others do it and it never works out well. It’s trampling all over boundaries. She’s either your friend or she’s his if you’re going to be discussing intimate/personal things.

I think I’d have to let them both go and chat themselves into oblivion but I realise it’s easier said than done.

They are having an “open” emotional affair. Sharing problems over text that are now becoming sexual comments.

Bipolar or not - it’s very disrespectful to you. But you’re the one in the wrong for snooping. They’re are both treating you like shit.

Just get out.

And does she every reply and tell him to stop? That it's inappropriate?

It’s always men who seem to be sex addicts and the like. Just an excuse to stick their cock elsewhere and blame it on MH. Get rid.

This. This in spades.

"I have spoken with my friend about it and she has been supportive". Supportive how?

Oh Op. Stop with the delusional patter.

He's cheated before
He's sexting your friend
He's blaming you about trust

This is only the stuff you know about! Get rid.

So your “friend” is telling you that looking at his phone is an invasion of privacy but she is not shutting down his sexual comments?

If she works in MH and is professional, she should have professional fucking boundaries and cut shit like this dead in its tracks. She should tell him that texting him behind your back is inappropriate and an act of betrayal. She should tell him that sexual conversation is inappropriate and unwelcome. She isn’t doing this because she’s getting off on it. She isn’t your friend and he isn’t loyal. You need to get out.

OP … come on. You are medicalising his shitty behaviour away with, quite frankly, bullshit symptoms that ‘absolve’ him of blame and in an attempt to dampen the pain you must feel at his blatant infidelity.

Hyper-sexuality may indeed be a thing, bipolar is absolutely, but since when does that excuse you, in any way, for being a disrespectful, shitty human and husband?

He’s making choices here and he does not love or respect you. Stop explaining it away.

@flowersintheattic2 how often are these messages occurring, do they just tend to occur during manic phases? If so, then the messages themselves at the time may be caused by his bipolar. BUT outside of manic phases he should be able to recognise they were inappropriate, apologise and have the sense to stop messaging her if he valued his marriage. It sounds like he’s using the potential bipolar diagnosis as an excuse to cheat.

Honestly I'd stop trying to be the cool and understanding wife and just divorce him. I couldn't live under that kind of cloud that consumes me. He sounds like an asshole.

You are spending too much of your life an energy on him, you are not his support human.

So he cheated and now he’s messaging someone inappropriate messages

Why stay with someone like that

It’s hilarious when someone snoops and finds something incriminating and the partner acts as if their lying/cheating is now completely irrelevant because “OMG I can’t believe you went through my phone”. I don’t condone snooping but on a scale of bad things you can do in a relationship, snooping is like a 4 and cheating is a 10!!

Frankly I think you’re being too understanding of what he’s done, just because he might have bipolar… he still knows what he’s done is wrong. He has betrayed your trust, undermined your relationship and now is trying to turn the blame on you. Honestly I think you should have more care/respect for yourself and stop putting up with his bullshit.

The fact that she does not stop it, shows she likes it. If a male friend started making any kind of sexual comment towards me, I would stop it very swiftly and stop responding to any of his messages.

She is not your friend . She is dvd. Trying to gaslight you

And yes, you clearly cannot trust your DH not to stray. Question is can you live with this.

All three of you clearly have issues with boundaries though! You are about to see her and play "happy friends" with her? Where is your dignity? Where are your boundaries?

They are messing with you. Telling you off for snooping is so audacious it's ridiculous

Your friend is not his mental health professional or a “safe space”‘for him to make sexualised comments. She is your friend. He should not be messaging her those things and she should have cut off communication, not carried on when he’s telling her what he wants to do to her sexually. What is she playing at?
Personally I could not stay with a man who does this. It must be exhausting and you will never be able to relax or trust him. Mental health or otherwise.

Gosh it's hard when his behaviour is tied up with a condition. However you have to put your mental health first. It's possible with treatment he gets into a better state of mind but how long will that take and what impact on your health.

It's not straightforward. Could you get some professional advice on how to navigate this? I mean from a psychologist or similar?

I think it’s inappropriate for him
to discuss his problems with her. She works in mental health but she isn’t his doctor.

It feels like your friend isn't a friend and has over stepped boundaries.

I work in a 'profession' and I wouldn't use my professional knowledge to advise or advocate for friends, because I don't have those systems and processes at home, which would make my advice safe.

Likewise your 'friend' is being incredibly unboundaried by supporting your husband and conflating her personal and professional life

It might be acceptable for a Mental Health Professional to overlook sexualised comments, (I genuinely dont know) but, it is definately not OK for your friend to do this.

Do you have other friends or family you can speak too? They might have tgr measure of both your husband and friend.

Wow. He's cheated on you. And is now putting the feelers our to cheat with your friend/some might say already is cheating with your friend, and you're making excuses for it? Why??
Even if this was down to mental illness, you're willing to take this? That's insane. You're self worth will hit the floor and you'll end up stuck with a guy doing this to anybody and everybody and you'll excuse it.

I think you really need to step away and gain some perspective on this situation and how you want your life to be.

'We' are working through it - I would argue he is not working through anything. Except lining up his next ONS. How do you know he has not done this several times? He pouts over an invasion of privacy. Are you not allowed to be upset about him being a feckless cheat?

Honestly I would be out. Not sure why you stayed. Sounds like torture.

Your husband is a cheat and he's trying to cheat with this friend. I've no idea what she's playing at because she should have nipped it in the bud when he made sexual comments.

It reminds me of serial cheats being treated for 'sex addiction'. Everything nowadays has to be pathologised and the only winners are the therapists.

If you want an open relationship, then stay with him.