DH and best friend messaging

Honestly fuck this - kick him out. What an absolute twat. I've known and worked with a few people with bi.polar and they were lovely. The mental health issues are a red herring here - he is a seedy creep who has cheated on you once already. Get rid.

This. Your friend sounds like she is enjoying the attention under the guise of helping. She clearly isn't helping though and she knows this is affecting your relationship. She says you shouldn't have snooped but hasnt admonished him for what he is saying to her. She is no friend op

Dump them both. He’s a cheat. She’s no friend of yours.

I think he is using or exaggerating his MH issues to keep you in line. Your friend & DH are having regular chats with him sending sexual comments & she hasn't discouraged it has she?

I don’t think I would want ti be friends with her tbh.

Being a support to your husband I would say is pushing it but ok. Not shutting down any sexual comments is absolutely not.
She is not being a friend to you. Your husband is a cheat and is actively looking to cheat again and she is acting like she’s open to it. I would be getting rid of the pair of them

Am I correct in reading that you are actually going to see this particular ‘friend’ today @flowersintheattic2?

Why?

I get the medical aspect but that absolutely cannot be used to make his behaviour okay and not his fault and indeed your problem if you don't make allowances. He's cheated on you, he's writing filth to your friend, and passing this off as being hypersexualised involuntary behaviour is beyond bullshit. He can be bipolar and a cheating creep without one being the cause/excuse for the other. I'm sorry but from everything you've said, it's only you who's trying to fix things while he's still swinging his sledgehammer/dick around and the only healthy thing you can do is to step away and look after yourself. He'll destroy you both, and your friendship. Please use the support you have to take care of yourself rather than trying to work through something that is not going to work.

It sounds like your husband has put your friend in an awkward position - it's possible that she wanted to tell you about his inappropriate comments but found it difficult to broach the subject? Yes, you invaded his privacy by looking at his messages but you had good reason to do so - he has cheated on you and broken the trust in your relationship. Do you actually want to continue being with him? This would be a deal breaker for me to be honest. If he is diagnosed with bipolar, even with medication there's no guarantee that his behaviour will improve and you could well have a lifetime of difficulties ahead 🙁

That'd be me out just after the ONS. I admire you working through it. Now this sexualised messaging on top, that's unforgivable again for me. If he needs to express his hyper-sexuality, he can do so with you if you consent. Why do it with someone else? To me, sexting is part of cheating, even if the recipient doesn't reply back in the same vein, HE is sexting her, that's crossing a line for me.
If hypersexuality can be a symptom of bipolarity (I don't know enough about this thoigg), I'm pretty sure sexting/cheating isn't!!!! What a lame excuse from him. Get rid!

Mumsnet is very unforgiving about posters who check their partner's phones to confirm their suspicions about their behaviour. Checking their partner's phone without their knowledge or permission becomes a far greater crime than the behaviour (no matter how awful) it reveals.

You said suspected so he hasn’t had the diagnosis yet? Is he currently in a manic episode? Hypersexuality can be an issue then but only in a manic/hypomanic phase. Is he on treatment? I’d just be careful he’s not using it as an excuse to behave inappropriately.

Blaming his cheating on his Bipolar is a little offensive on other people with Bipolar imo.

In fact; according to your ‘D’H, none of this seems to be his fault. Which is odd seeing as the astray penis is attached to his body 🤔

Why in the absolute fuck is she not stopping him/telling him to stop?

And she works in the field of mental health?!

Nah.

He’s trying to cheer again and she’s enjoying it.

He has done a real number on you. Forget the suspected Bi polar. Your husband cheated on you and is now sending sexually explicit messages to one of your closest friends who isn't shutting it down. What does the man have to do for you to leave?!

He's a liar and a cheat, and you're not his psychologist, you're his doormat. Up to you if you want to stick around for more abuse.

I have a few good male friends as I attended a university that had quite a male bias. All are married, with families. One of my friends started sending IMs to me, reminding me of things from the past, catching up etc, which then turned leery and eventually sexual in nature.

My first response was not to respond, but to ask "How are the wife and kids?"

After bleating on about struggles in his sexless marriage I just responded that he should set his focus on fixing that, and not sending me sexual requests that I'm not going to accept, and that if I was his wife, I wouldn't be happy.

I don't understand why she's just replying with emojis and not nipping it in the bud. How does brushing over it help him realise that it's unacceptable to be a bloody sex pest. I'd be having words about it with your friend.

On his side though... With that knowledge, and the previous cheating you must completely have the ick. Would you even want to have sex with his man again? There's no trust there at all for you. I'd be reviewing whether I wanted to be in a relationship with him at all.

Oh I would be bored trying to analyse him.

Just LTB. There’s no trust, so no relationship.

When you say he’s being seen by a psychiatrist for “suspected” bipolar - how many times had he seen the doctor? It doesn’t take long to make a mental health diagnosis.

He sounds awful. He has been unfaithful, is sending sexual comments to your friend and he is refusing to talk to you. Why on earth would you want to stay with him?

What is your situation? Do you have children together? Do you work? Start making plans to separate.

He’s just a sex pesty philandering perv - and your friend has no boundaries.

Bipolar or not is irrelevant.

Your DH is a cheat - his MH struggles don't make that OK, or mean you should put up with it.
Your friend is a disgrace. As a MH professional, she knows exactly how to immediately shut down this type of behaviour. She isn't doing so because she likes it, on some level. She is NOT a friend to you.
Start putting yourself first and ditch these two gaslighters OP. Start by cancelling your stay. Please don't put up with this for a moment longer. As a retired health professional, my blood is boiling reading this.

You are being a doormat op. Your husband's behaviour is inexcusable, bipolar or not.
Your 'friend' is a disgrace to her profession, and she is gaslighting you. They are both making a fool of you.
You need to start making steps to divorce him before things get worse. I wouldn't want any further contact with this 'friend'.

OP, you yourself will end up with anxiety and depression if you carry on in this triangle of gaslighting.

I can’t believe you looked at his messages and saw inappropriate comments between them, and they’ve said oh but you are the problem, the snoop. Tell you “friend” to get to F. With friends like that, one who is getting some kind of ego massage by accommodating his selfishness, who needs enemies.

What pops out here is, WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE? Do you have DC? Do you want to travel? Do you want to laugh, and have fun and be supported? Can this man do this for you, or is he a hoover, vacuuming the joy out of you?

If so, cast him off and her.

If a crime was committed, or a breach of some sort happened at work, there would be an investigation. People who say you are invading someone’s privacy if they suspect an affair, a breach of marital contract, by looking for the evidence are obviously gaslighters and manipulators themselves.