DH and best friend messaging

WTF??

Cut them both out of your life.

Your friend may not judge him for his "hyper sexualized behavior " but you should.

Now he won't talk to you because you have caught him for a second time doing something appalling?

My ex-husband had a "sexting" obsession and it was the tip of the iceberg. Justified it because of past abuse etc. The reason is irrelevant. I should have walked the first time it happened. It destroyed my mental health and my relationships with my children from that marriage. They are clever these men. He is now stonewalling you to punish you for holding him to account. Now you are the one on a forum distressed and he has violated your friendship with this woman - so isolated you. Is he on a forum distressed OP? I bet not.

Is he suckjng up all the energy, sympathy and support in the room while doing exactly as he pleases? I bet he is.

Get rid!

He's a cheat and mental health is not an excuse to behave the way that he is doing!

Your friend is not your friend. No, he’s not a client or a patient but she should not be messaging him now he has made sexual comments. She is not telling him to stop, so she’s entertaining it.
It is absolutely gross, and she’s not helping either of you. She’s encouraging this by not blocking him, and she needs to block him.
Your husband is appalling. To blame you for going through his phone. And all this business about your friend supporting him, he will just see her as another target.
Why go and stay with her?
If you stay with him, and continue with her, you are in for a world of pain.

Well your friend would say that, wouldn’t she. Wouldn’t trust her either. She’s supposed to back you up and be understanding as she knows what happened last year.

I don’t think she’s your friend.

She's certainly dabbling with a moral grey area. However, he isn't her client and the friend isn't at work, she doesn't necessarily need to uphold professional boundaries in every single aspect of her personal life.

I have a friend who's husband made me uncomfortable with his 'harmless' sexualised comments and behaviour towards me, and he definitely tried (and failed) to spark up a close friendship with me when they were having difficulties in their marriage. She was aware of it, it wasn't just me but with almost all of her female friends. Everything I replied to him went through a filter of "How would my friend feel about my response?". However I didn't want to lose my friendship with her because of her dumbass husband, so I didn't get overly involved by telling her of every instance he did something that made me feel uncomfortable. I just wouldn't entertain it. On the other hand, if my friend looked at my 'conversations' with him, I would be absolutely perfectly happy for her to do so, and tbh I assumed she would. I'd never call her out for 'snooping'.

OP, this is all to say that your friend is in a difficult position BECAUSE OF YOUR HUSBAND and HE is the one who's behaviour is in question here. Although, it is not okay that she made a comment on you 'snooping' - that's none of her fucking business!

I suggest you talk to your friend about it honestly, she is in a difficult position with it too... ask her how SHE feels about it? She might drop you as a friend if you make her feel like she's responsible for this. Edit: particularly if she's going through a hard time herself, and just wants a friend, but he's sabotaging it by objectifying her and sexualising it.

But if she seems to want to protect hers and your husbands 'friendship' over hers with you, then cut her off. Any true friend would say "I don't give a toss about a friendship with your husband, I'm your friend, not his..." Etc.

I said in other posts he’s to blame for sending the messages. Not excusing his behaviour at all.

But the friend has convinced the OP she’s being helpful and helping him with his mental health issues. She’s not, she’s allowed him to behave inappropriately knowing he’s married (to her friend!). If she had wanted to stop the messages she should have, at the very least, stopped the conversation and all contact between them. She’s clearly enjoyed the attention. The OP also says the ‘friend’ has family issues of her own at the moment. It sounds like the classic beginning on an emotional affair, that he wants to be sexual.

And there’s no question of confidentiality at all. She is not acting in a professional capacity, he’s not on her caseload at work, he’s simply a friends husband. She is not bound by any confidentiality regulations. And as someone who works in the field she should know better than to be providing emotional support and mental health advice outside of work without the safeguards and support her workplace provides.

So she confides in him aswell ,Think your being taken for a mug

What are they actually up to? It’s ridiculous they are texting and he is making sexual comments. What is she getting out of it? Obviously something. Highly inappropriate and I wouldn’t trust either of them.

Omg there is no way I would continue texting my friend's husband if he was sending me sexual messages. OP - find your anger! She is no friend and they are both treating you like a mug!

Your friend is not your friend. She is allowing your husband to make sexual comments to her unchallenged, allowing an inappropriate intimacy to continue, which is she is any sort if MH professional she will recognise as such; and to top it all, she is trying to divert attention from what's going on by focusing on his privacy. She is manipulating you so she can continue this relationship with your husband for her own reasons. You shouldn't trust her.

As for him, he has cheated and is now being inappropriate again. Whatever help he's getting clearly isn't working. If his behaviour is caused by his MH, then that's unfortunate for him, but the outcome for you is the same. You can't trust him. He has betrayed you and is still on that same path.

This is true and I’m sorry you are so low that you can’t see this. Get some support today for yourself x x

He doesn’t care about your feelings. He’s already had sex with someone else and now he’s trying to hook up with your friend.

You deserve much better than this.

He’s broken your trust and doesn’t appear to be bothered about fixing it. I think you should put yourself first and walk away. MH problems do not excuse mistreating your spouse.

They’re both taking you for a fool.

Your husband is a creep & your mate is no mate & not his saviour.

If she works in mental health services she knows there are boundaries between professional & friends

He’s a creepy perv, and she is no friend. Cut them both loose. Neither of them respect you at all

Can you go somewhere away from the pair of them for a few days to think? It doesn't sound like either of them have your best interests at heart. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

OP, Bipolar does produce hyper sexuality in some people but generally its not uncontrollable, unless they are going through a bad manic episode (but if your partner was manic, his texts would be the least of your worries). Bipolar sufferers still have a choice, and they can decide what to do. I would never trust anyone who uses their mental health as an excuse for shitty behaviour - your friend including. Seems like she is as bad as you husband, and quite likes the attention. Her fake outrage of you "snooping" says it all! I think you are being gaslighted here. Your other half's "personal space" is not as important as your relationships surviving, and I bet you the only reason you "snooped" as you felt something was seriously off.

I would say dump them all, and at least distance yourself from both of them until they sort themselves out. Your husband needs to show you, clearly, that he is doing everything to get sorted and is doing everything to make sure your relationship survives. Your "friend" needs to back off and know her place.

But - relationship with a bipolar person is not a walk in the park (personal experience). Even if they are 100% devoted and want to be with you, its still hard, there are so many challenges and heartache(( And your DH is not even that committed, he is a cheat and a liar. I would let go, tbh.

I couldn't be with him even if his behaviour is caused by his bipolar/hyper sexuality. It would just make me feel so betrayed and disrespected. And disgusted that my DH would be writing such things to my 'friend'. And her letting it happen is not necessarily the right thing to do either. She should shut it down.

Do you want to be married to someone who cheats on you and sends sexual messages to your mutual friends, or not? That's your only choice. If you do want to stay married it will probably be easier if you don't go looking for the sexual messages. Also, get regular sexual health checks and use barrier protection. If you don't want to live like that you have to leave him.
I'm sorry you're going through this.

Also, as PP have pointed out. This is not client confidentiality. It's her friends husband. If she wants to look at it in a professional capacity then she has actually taken on a case with a conflict on interest as well as breaching moral boundaries by private messaging a client and allowing sexual innuendo. So that's absolute bogus about protecting confidentiality.

I would consider reporting your friend to the professional body she belongs to. At best she is conning herself. He cheated on you and part of his making good will be to allow you unfettered access to his phone.

I would meet the friend talk about the messages and suggest that she needs to terminate her contact with your husband for professional reasons.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · wrote:
He is a cheater. She is not your friend. They are not trustworthy people. It is as simple as that

This is spot on!!!

It doesn't really matter that she works in this field. She is your friend and she is not treating him professionally so she shouldn't be facilitating this sort of comment. It may well be that she feels she can't tell him to stop because that would upsest him or cause problems, but that's not okay.

Meanwhile, your H. might be seeking help but in the meantme his behaviour is completely not okay and I'd be suggesting that until he's got on top of his illness, the relationship needs ot be paused.

LOL - your friend told you it was an invasion of privacy? So your DH is sending sexualised messages to her and she wants you to leave him to it? Because I hate to point out, that if you hadn't 'snooped', there was no way you were finding out. Because your FRIEND certainly wasn't telling you. So regardless, I can see who she values and it isn't you.

Do not allow yourself to be the person who hasn't been understanding enough or the one who has broken the trust. Put your boundaries in place and fix them, this is not acceptable. X