DH and best friend messaging

@flowersintheattic2 Most of it is general chit chat but my H will frequently write hyper-sexualised comments. I have spoken to him before about this, spoken about the inappropriateness of this. Friend responds with either shock or laughing emoji but doesn't respond back otherwise.

Your friend could say it's inappropriate, but writing back with a negative response could risk the friendship, which isn't a good thing to do to someone with mental health issues. So your friend chooses to respond with a single emoji which is a why of shrugging off the comment without explicitly calling them out on it.

In other words, your friend hasn't done anything wrong. So why do you feel betrayed by her?

Bipolar doesn't make you cheat or be inappropriate. That's on your husband.

You can feel hypersexualised but you don't have to act on it.

It all sounds like such hard work.

What, if anything, are you getting out of this relationship?

Sorry but she is not your friend. I could not accept this situation. If he needs counselling he should get it from a professional.

Frankly, I think you’d be better off without either of them in your life.

That's not good. I would not stay with him. God knows how many times, he's messaged women in general saying those things. Your relationship is over. He could direct his sexual energy towards you or at porn, not your friend! It's over now.

Sod that, I think you’re making far too many excuses for his behaviour………why do you need to be treated like this?

Imagine how much better your life would be without these 2 sleazy twazzocks in it.

Dump them both.

He's obviously a prick.

She is not innocent. Any decent friend (or person!) who starts getting sexual messages from a married man simply stops the contact. It's not difficult.

Continuing the conversation and simply going 😲😂 when he says something filthy is her lapping up the attention/drama/risqué aspect of it. She's a prick too basically. DEFINITELY NOT your friend op.

Just leave. It's OK 💐

You can't trust him love. Thats the bottom line.

Honestly I'd get shut of both of them. She can support his mental health permanently if she's so bloody good!

As she works in mental health services she should be aware that the partners of the mentally ill need support. If she was my friend I would expect her to be supporting me not him. If he is getting professional help he doesn’t need her. I don’t see how laughing, even if only with an emoji, at his hyper sexualised comments is professional or helpful to him. I think she’s just enjoying it.

Makes me wonder if your 'friend' is keeping you close so she can see what's happening in your relationship before she makes her final move on him.
It all seems a bit fucked up. You're having issues with him and she's also having issues in her personal life.
There absolutely NO WAY I would trust either of them! It's an emotional affair at the moment that will progress as she's not shutting him down.

So he broke your trust and is making amends by sending sexualised messages to your ‘friend’.

And then trying to blame you for looking at his phone.

This relationship is dead in the water. The trust is gone. Find a way to move on and don’t waste any more of your life on this loser.

And hyper-sexualised my arse.

Where is your self respect?! Hyper sexuality my arse. He's not only cheating on you he's laughing at you for it.

How has your friend been supportive OP? She simply hasn't- she's been going along with it - to be honest I wouldn't give a shit if he has some underlying mental health issues that are making him like this I would just end it - because before you know what 'you' will have mental health issues too - caused totally by him. I know several bi polar people who to be honest are both very kind people at times but incredibly self centred and just hard work to be around but neither of them are hyper sexualised in communications - he is using medicalisation to try and excuse shitty behaviour -

This

I know he values talking with her. I know this is mutual because she is also having family issues at the moment

I haven't read the full thread but this line jumped out at me. What value is she, working in mental health, getting with her family issues from someone who is not a MH professional (I assume) but who has a host of problems himself?

I didn't know that we could just go around cheating and saying any sexual thing to anyone, and then call it 'being hyper sexualised'. I'll try this and see how that goes with my DP

She is not your friend (that's not what a true friend does).

what actions has this partner done to regain your trust since the ONS?

Has he offered his phone up for example so you don't have to snoop?

been more open about his whereabouts or what texts he sending

what work has he put into the relationship to make and regain your trust?

He's too much trouble, OP. And it sounds like she is gaslighting you. Say your goodbyes and go look for healthier people, you do not deserve to be treated this way 💐

I'd actually say that the sexualised comments might be his way of avoiding true intimacy. He's clearly got issues, and maladaptive ways of behaving. Her friend will be aware of that. Perhaps she's hoping he will calm down once he's in therapy, and they can have a normal friendship group in the future. If she starts blowing everything up now, she risks her friendship with OP. She's having a difficult time herself, and is likely in no hurry to go losing any friendships.

Someone said earlier in the thread your friend didn't encourage him. I disagree with this. She didn't shut him down immediately, she didn't stop talking to him, and she didn't come to you about it. That's encouragement enough for most men.

How did you find out about the ONS OP?

I mean given the circumstances you weren't wrong to 'snoop' were you so your so called friend can get to fuck with that. She shouldn't be messaging with your H and whatever her professional background she isn't messaging in a professional capacity nor is she acting professionally because if she was, she wouldn't be putting laughing or shocked emojies whenever he writes sexual stuff to her - she'd be shutting that shit right down. But she isn't.

It never fails to amaze me how many men seem to have 'sex addiction' or hypersexuality whenever they get caught for being complete scutters. Yet women don't seem to suffer with the same conditions...🙄

She is not your friend OP. And he shouldn't be your H either.

He's already cheated OP and he's still doing it.