DH and best friend messaging

It's not fair on this female friend to have to listen to his filth. If she's encouraging it then even worse. But I'd say you can't trust him talking to any women if he's obsessed with declaring he wants graphic sex with them at every turn.
He's a cheat, and he is using his mental illness as an excuse. If he's so horny, why not just direct it at you. Not women who have no interest or are not his partner.

No one with any degree of professionalism would be texting your husband like this. Inappropriate behaviour and plain wrong.
And he’s just another common or garden cheat using his diagnosis as an excuse.

Indeed. And invites inexplicable comments such as, "Why not just ask him outright if he is cheating?"

I am sorry, but as a mental health nurse I have supported a number of friends and their partners, but this is done in an open and transparent way. It is about listening, signposting and supporting- it’s about trying to find solutions to help with side effects and symptoms.

It is not about accepting sexualised messages - it is not about excluding the people that love them and it is not about overstepping the friendship boundaries. She is out of order, as is he!

For me there are still professional boundaries that need to be adhered to.

Kindly, this man has had an ONS previously, is sending sexual messages to another woman and is not meeting your needs. They are bring secretive and devious. Please re evaluate what you want and what you need.

I am also not sure I would be staying with her tonight- she doesn’t appear to be a good friend!

The thing is, he might have mental health problems and be a cheat.
This sounds more likely and that is something that mental health services cannot fix.
A single one night stand is dificult enough to get passed and you seem to have accepted the excuse that it was caused by his mental problems but this proves he has not changed and if he can't be 'fixed' then what's the point either way?

I understand that he suffers from MH issues - However that shouldn’t be a blank reason to that what he wants - what about you and your MH? Specially as the background is that he already had a ONS. And if he’s on with her all the time - could it be an emotional affair?
you are probably trying to hold on I understand that but if he’s not all in with you is that even possible to heal from the infidelity?My limited experience with MN is that people would be against going through his phone - and whilst I don’t go through my partner’s phone this is because I have trust. He completely broke that trust - so for rebuilding being able to access his phone is crucial - I say this so you don’t get to hung up on the fact that your “supposed” friend has told you this. Not sure how your friend is justified this. Does she know about the ONS?

They are angry you ruined the fantasy.

Invasion of privacy.. he cheated on you, you knew the signs and caught it.

She is no friend if she didn't not stop the inappropriate comments, she's already teetering on the edge of professional misconduct if she is a medical position, she knows what she is doing.

I think he needs to cut contact with her and seek professional help elsewhere either that or id leave. You can't possibly be happy with this and it's clear you deserve better. Maybe it's time to move on for your own good . If friend is a friend she should be suggesting they cut contact herself.

And agree your friend is not a friend. To either of you.

'Your friend knows that she should have shut him down with regard to sexual messages. Your husband knows that he should not have sent them. They have both been caught out and are now blaming you for exposing their behaviour'

This.

I'm no mental health expert but normally I'd expect if someone does something that's part of a compulsion, or as part of a manic phase, and their actions are something they're actively trying to manage...that they'd be regretful and apologetic afterwards. It doesn't sound like that's the case here, it sounds consistent

If he wanted to stop this behaviour but seek support surely he would recognise that it's best to confide in a male friend so there is not any temptation.

Mental illness or not, any fool can see that getting support for sex addiction, from someone pf the opposite sex that you'd consider sleeping with, that is your partners friend, outside of official channels that would protect both parties, is a fucking awful idea. And both of them should have put a hard stop to it the first time something inappropriate happened.

@Ceecee2422 I never ever snooped until there was reason to do so. Pretty sure there's plenty of crapped on people out there who wished they had snooped-

Your friend knows that she should have shut him down with regard to sexual messages. Your husband knows that he should not have sent them. They have both been caught out and are now blaming you for exposing their behaviour.

Just because your friend works in mental health doesn’t mean that she will conduct herself appropriately in her personal relationships. You sound like a very supportive person and obviously are worried about blaming your husband for his behaviour because of the suggestion that he could be bipolar. The question is whether it is common, or garden, cheating behaviour, rather than the overt and problematic sexual behaviour of someone in an episode of mania. The latter generally results in a great sense of shame and embarrassment in the sufferer because they don’t themselves approve of their actions.

If your friend believes the sexual messages are down to illness then she would know it wouldn’t be helpful to him to allow them to continue.

You need to dump the both of them.

This is not on op at all and who is she to tell you that looking on your own dh's phone is a breach of privacy, cheeky cow.

Do you have kids, can you leave? I would ask this so-called friend to block him. The only thing is he'll soon find someone else to flirt with and probably do it more secretly with hidden apps.

I think a ons is forgivable depending on circumstances, not however when the culprit seems to be after a repeat performance. Sorry .

He doesn't need counselling; you do.

The fact that you can even consider accepting his poor behaviour shows that your boundaries are non-existent, but you are oblivious to this.

You need help to work out why you have become so pliable. You need help to look at this relationship through fresh eyes and see that it is not healthy and not sustainable. You also need help to examine all aspects of this relationship to see the other (doubtless ways) he is capitalising on his bi-polar.

You will get a lot of sound advice on here if you carry on posting, but you should also talk to a family member or trusted work colleague about the situation.

She’s right - snooping through his phone is an invasion of his privacy and it isn’t acceptable, regardless of whether he’s cheating/cheated or not.

You can’t trust him. The second you thought snooping through his phone was a good idea the relationship was dead in the water.

Actually, it very much does compel you to be inappropriate, take risks and behave destructively when in the grip of a phase.

But you're right to an extent, when not in a manic phase he should be desperate to recognise and address his behaviour. How much effort he puts in is a fair reflection on how much he cares about how his behaviour affects people around him.

As a lifelong sufferer I'd advise OP to walk away and, this sounds bad, it's hereditary so he's at risk of passing this on.

That's not on. It really isn't. If it was a therapist he was doing this to, then hopefully the therapist would use it as part of their work, but this woman is a friend and also his wife's good friend. She should be refusing to have private conversations with him now that he's shown he can't or won't stop himself making sexual advances. I'd be annoyed with her as well as him.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d be preparing to end the relationships you have with both of them.
She is not being professional and she is most certainly not being a friend to you.

I'm a "mental health professional" (RMN) I also have bipolar so probably have reasonable insight here.

If in a professional capacity someone made sexual comments towards me I would tell them that that was inappropriate. I might explore why they felt they could / wanted to / needed to make those comments but my first step always wouldn't be to brush it off but to be clear that that's not OK, boundaries matter for both me and the person.

If a friend wants support and advice about their mental health, I give that as a friend. I say things to friends I wouldn't say to people I'm working with (because it's a different relationship). I might use some of my professional knowledge to signpost if it's helpful, not like I can unknow things, but I absolutely wouldn't be "working" with a friend.

If a friend made sexual comments towards me I would ask them wtf they were doing? And tell them to stop. If they didn't I would stop talking to them. If I genuinely thought the comments were because they were unwell I would still tell them to stop and not have private conversations with them.

Mania can make you less in control of what you do (because it can affect the whole way you think so what seems real to you is different, including how things might impact others or yourself and how important that might be) but those symptoms would usually be noticeable in everything- how you speak to everyone, how you manage at work, day to day tasks, planning etc. If symptoms are lower level, you likely have enough control and awareness to chose not to do things that will cause issues. You might want to do it, when your "normal" self wouldn't even think of it, but you can probably still decide it's a bad idea and not do it.

If she works in mental health she has atrocious boundaries. She is not his therapist. She needs to stop this. She thinks she is being supportive but look what it's led to. And he is a knob.

Exactly, police snoop massively if someone is under investigation…….private investigators snoop to find requested information…….snooping through a phone when you suspect them of foul behaviour is pretty low on the scale of finding out information, tell him you’ll hire someone next time lol but on a serious note get rid and find your self respect……..

Totally inappropriate of her to be engaging. She’s apparently enjoying the attention.
I would be very wary of her too… and you already know your husband can’t be trusted.

Oh Jesus.

do you think you’ll ever get the trust back? 100%??? Is there anytime you think you’ll be like Yep. Never worry

if not then you’ll never ever have the same relationship.

him talking about being sexual with your best friends is fucking horrific. Please see that….