Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

No, she's not. Cats are solitary animals. Animal welfare professional here, with years of experience dealing with assessment of and adoption/return of cats.

Your mum should not be talking to you like that. However I hate cats and if my DH went and enquired about 2 cats with me already saying no I would be absolutely furious!! You sound really quite childish tbh OP, you share a home and children if DH said no then end of. It doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference whether you want to buy the cats or not.

What is the matter with you? Have you any idea what looking after a quadraplegic is like? It's hardly as if he's going to keep falling over it. Leave the poor woman to have some joy in her life. She is not the one that's horrible. It's been a long time since I've seen a post as spiteful and ignorant

I would go ahead and get a cat, so long as there won't be any practical problems. You're carrying a heavy burden and deserve to reward yourself.

How can your mother forbid you, a married woman, not living under her roof, from doing something; and why is she siding with your husband? There is already one cat in the house, and the husband has never said he doesn't want her. He is thinking that attention will be less on him, for sure. The children... what did they say?

Have you considered just getting 1 cat instead of a pair? I think one would be better company for the existing cat and less intimidating for DH.

Ignore your "d"m. She sounds like a nightmare and it's nothing to do with her.

@FloydWasACat OP can you really afford to take care of more cats, financially and mentally? Would your household struggle with even less money and a more frazzled mum/wife if you add extra responsibilities, such as more pets, to your household?

This is like people who just decide to have a baby and don't think of what it takes to look after the baby/child long term. You have to think about the general impact on you, your husband and kids other than 'we like cats and just want them'. Even if it will come out of your wages and you'll take care of them, at what cost will that be to other things/people you're all already paying for and taking care of? That's what I think you should consider and talk to your husband about.

Otherwise, if everything is sound, then you should get the cats.

A good rescue shouldn’t give animals to a household where not everyone wants them. I do understand it must seem unfair to you given the situation and I would also feel very resentful about it if I was you. But dh does ultimately have a right to say no to it as it is a big decision. It has nothing to do with your mother and you should tell her that. I’m not saying LTB but do you want to stay in the relationship?

I actually got 2 cat sisters about the same age from cats protection. They are currently running around the house like wildebeest and have just been told off for using me as part of their assault course.

Do not underestimate how much they will change your household, especially if you are used to older cats and how much they will cost

What exactly did he say/do? Going apeshit is very vague. If he's being abusive then you need to deal with this and decide if you want to stay in the relationship, accepting this treatment of you, or do you want to separate?

Maybe you can work together to improve things if there's still love there. Please don't stay out of guilt. It's your life too.

Don't get more cats until you've tried to confront the deeper issues in your relationship. The fact that your Mum is abusive towards you is interesting. Are you always used to doing as you're told by your family? If so, you might benefit from counselling to help you be more assertive. No one should be treating you like this.

His say isn’t the final one because his needs and wants are not more important than my own, especially when it won’t negatively affect him

I don't understand this. If someone doesn't want a cat in the house and then is forced to tolerate a cat in the house then they are surely negatively affected?

I think he's just angry that you're doing something that YOU want to do and in his frustration is trying to exert his dominance.

Or possibly that he’s had so much control taken away because of his own circumstances, he’s angry because his wishes are being ignored. I’d bet the farm this isn’t the first time either.

I’m completely team cat on this, even though I’m a dog person irrelevant.

Get the cats and enjoy them @FloydWasACat . 😺😺

You wouldn't discuss this with your spouse and would ignore their wishes if they didn't want it?

You need to talk to him and say that this isn’t a want, but an actual need to help you cope mentally with all that is on your plate. A support animal!

FYI I was worried about introducing cats to our very grumpy older boy cat. We took it slow and it was fine within a month of so … in answer to @Datafan55 and @NotOneOfTheInCrowd

Your dh and your m both sound nasty and abusive.

I can understand why your h is angry - it must be so frustrating but your life sounds utterly miserable too.

I'd get the cats quite honestly. I got cats that dh didn't particularly want but like you I knew I'd be the one doing everything for them - he loves them now.

If we only ever did things our partners agreed to in life and didn't have any autonomy over our own decisions life would be pretty sad. Being in a couple doesn't mean you never get to make decisions on your own - especially ones such as getting another cat which really isn't a big deal.

I think he's just angry that you're doing something that YOU want to do and in his frustration is trying to exert his dominance.

And as for your mum, she sounds like a nasty bitch, your getting a cat has fuck all to do with her, tell her to piss off and stop allowing yourself to be bullied.

What difference does it make to OPs husband's day if she has another cat?

It could make a lot of difference. It/they are around the house all day doing what cats do. The don't just sit under the coffee table like an ornament.

@FloydWasACat Your life sounds tough. You sound quite isolated. Do you have any support from other family members or good friends? I’d also share this example in the carer’s group, if it feels like a safe space, for their thoughts.

First, if your mother is often abusive, rather than kind and supportive, I’d keep distance from her. If she has concerns about the impact further pets may have on you (money you can’t afford and extra work) or your DH (less money available to the household, physical impact on him of extra pets), she should have had a gentle, humble and kind word with you, showing you she has you and your family’s happiness at heart.

Second, your DH’s behaviour sounds unacceptable. ‘Going apeshit’ (you don’t mention what that consisted of) when you try to discuss getting pets isn’t a mature or respectful response. Telling your mother, presumably aware of how she’d react, is manipulative and undermining.

IMHO, you need to set clear boundaries with both your DH and DM. For your DH, that involves being able to talk to him about your needs and wants and have them considered and, where possible, accommodated with empathy and kindness. And likewise he should be able to do the same with you. There should be a reasoned, mature discussion, with you both looking for compromise, e.g, one more cat rather than two, which is what you had before, so not a big new change.

However, IMHO it was passive aggressive, disrespectful and manipulative to go ahead and apply for two cats when you knew your DH didn’t want that. If your reasonable request for things that give you joy in life (and unlikely to cause problems for your DH) is denied, you should assert yourself and tell him you’ve decided to go ahead and you’ll mitigate the impact on him. Not go behind his back.

But, overall, you need to review how your family dynamics are currently working. Can you access counselling? You need to consider how you can carve out a fulfilling life for yourself in addition to your responsibilities as a carer and earner. Your needs matter. A new cat seems a very reasonable ask. You’re not asking to go on holiday four times a year for a break.

Look after yourself and set boundaries for others. Sending strength ❤️

Different husband situation here but same cat situation. We ended up getting our remaining cat two pets of his own after the other original cat died! He was just so sad by himself. Three is a lot of cat tho that I didn’t expect (despite my mum also telling me not to do it).

sadly the situation only lasted 18 months when one of the younger cats had a bad accident outside and didn’t survive. I feel in part to blame because with 3 cats I just didn’t have enough lap or enough time to play with the younger ones as much as perhaps they needed. (Did obviously play and cuddle them but as they were very young they maybe needed more).

whilst i 100% agree with your sentiment that you should be able do something for you it is also a lot to take on and shouldn’t be done on a whim. And everyone in the house needs to be on board. Perhaps your husband is worried how he’ll be able to navigate the house with 2 younger cats underfoot/wheel

good luck whatever you decide.

This must be so hard to live like this, I’m sorry 💐 I don’t know what makes your mother think she has the right to speak to you like that and tell you what to do. I think if you want the cats you should have them and you deserve them. Did DH give a reason he wants your lonely cat to stay a single cat?
are you happy in life? I suggest to find a counsellor/therapist and work on what would make you happy, life is too short to live unhappily each day.

TBH bringing in a bonded pair is never going to be a good idea and it’s highly likely your quiet and gentle cat is going to end up being pushed out.
Introducing new cats into an already established cat’s home rarely goes well.
@NotOneOfTheInCrowd I was thinking this too.

I don’t get where you’re coming from with this. But it’s dangerously close to suggesting DH is to be treated like a child because he’s disabled. He’s not a child and nor should he have to accept being treated like one. He’s essentially the same person he was before he came quadriplegic, only now he’s angry and sad at his situation. He had control of his life and his body, and now he likely feels most of it has been taken away.

i feel for OP because she’s in a difficult situation - caring can be very lonely. But the fixation on getting more cats is a symptom of that and she would be better seeking some talking therapy for herself and her family so that everyone can come to terms with what’s happened. It sounds as though DH is really struggling with it and feeling like he has little control over his life any more.what So OP ignoring his objections and going ahead with something he doesn’t want isn’t going to make him feel any better. It doesn’t matter how responsible he would be - either physically or financially, for another cat. The fact is, he doesn’t want one and OP isn’t listening. What else isn’t she listening about ?

Wow. Does she get no say? Her life has been turned upside down. Practically speaking she has become a solo parent and a carer, and presumably much of the physical comfort of a partner, and lots of the spontaneous joy of life. Why can’t she put her needs forwards given how little affect it would have on her husband and mother?

I can't imagine how difficult, relentless and lonely your life is.

Equally, your DH's life must be filled with regret, longing, envy and resentment. He can't do anything for himself. He is surrounded by people doing his personal care. He can't take the kids to football, he can't financially support his family. He can't have a physically loving relationship with his wife. I'm not surprised he's angry.

You took more power and choice from him. I understand why, but I also understand his extreme hurt.

Can you access couples counselling to find a new equilibrium in your relationship?