Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

I was going to say much the same. From both your DHs and your old cats point of view another single neutered male cat might be better.
You can definitely tell your mum to keep her opinions to herself, but for the sake of harmony in the home it might be necessary to compromise with your DH.

FWIW everytime my husband brings another one home I say NO, no more! But of course I end up loving them very shortly.

From the surface, OP's husband sounds miserable and angry and to be taking it out on OP. Who does everything in the house, everything for their 2 young children, and works part time.

Her mother just judges her.

Oh and her husband refuses to help the financial situation by claiming the inheritance his brothers are refusing to give him like they're supposed to.

They only joy she has in her life were her cats who likely sat with her in the evenings when her husband is in his room alone.

OP, before getting the cats, I'd think long and hard about whether you want to stay married to him. If he's miserable TO you and TO the children and TO everyone, angry and bitter, and dragging you all down with him, while refusing to help himself, then you have every right to admit you don't want to spend the rest of your life like this.

If the answer is no, perhaps he can move into the house he partially owns now with his brothers since they're refusing to pay him his share or move out and sell the house. Carers can go there. Or perhaps he can get support to move elsewhere. It doesn't have to be you.

It's none of your mums business.

However, I think adding something to the household like pets should be a joint decision, and if both people aren't on board, it shouldn't happen. That's not because one person's say is more important, but because you are bringing another living thing into a house thay needs care, attention and money.

I say this as someone who desperately wants another cat, but my partner doesn't, so we aren't getting one.it wouldn't be fair. It would only happen if he wanted it too.

I’m afraid after he went apeshit I would be leaving him. Get yourself the cats and somewhere else to live

Children IMO absolutely do not get a say as to whether you bring a pet into the house. The only people who get a say are the adults. Children grow up and move on, and the animals remain, so no, I disagree that children get a say.

I think getting these cats is like putting a plaster on your hand right now. You don’t need it. What you need is love and joy in your life and the cats might temporarily give you a hit but they will just be two more things to look after for you then in a few weeks.

I’m not telling you what to do but I would advise you to WAIT and not get theses cats right now. Not because your husband and mother said so but because YOU decided to wait.
Do something for you that looks after YOU.

You can get as many cats as you want at a later date, but now please let someone take care of you. You are being badly abused and your life is very hard.

As a cat lover myself I understand where you're coming from. But....you will have more vet bills, more jabs and one of mine decides to wee where she wants including our bedroom!! She's also scratched the landing carpet and she's a lot of trouble even though she's adorable, and makes us laugh every day. She has to be monitored as she is also very greedy.

I know you have your heart set on the young cats. Do you think your DH may agree to another calmer older cat?

I hope you come to an agreement you just sound in need of more relaxation and comfort at a challenging time

I think there are 3 separate issues:

1). All household members should agree to a new pet (children included) so in that sense you are being unreasonable:

BUT

2. It’s none of your mum’s business and it’s not acceptable for her to speak to you that way. I’d set some boundaries with her if she wants to continue to have a relationship with you

AND

3. Your husband has no right to “go apeshit” or verbally abuse you. You do not have to stay in this marriage if it’s making you (and/or the children) unhappy. I’d make clear that has to stop if he wants the marriage to continue. You are allowed to discuss with him your wish to get a new pet. The marriage has to work for both parties.

It sounds like the cats are the straw that broke the camels back. You want to do something for yourself and sounds like you are really quite unhappy and lonely, sending love xxx

I would get kittens in your position (preferably younger and boys). We had two 20 year olds, one male and one female and the male sadly died. I was desperate for kittens and read that females will object much more to adult cats and other females, so I got two boy litter mates. 14 month olds are basically adults so, if you get the two you are thinking of, they will be more of an intrusion to your existing cat.

I can’t pretend that our remaining 20 year old loves the kittens (she really doesn’t and did growl and swat at them at first) and she definitely sees them as intruders rather than company. They tend to leave her alone as there are two of them to play with each other and things are generally fine now, though I’m not sure if that’s because she spends so much time asleep or outside the front of our house (as she did before we got the kittens). I absolutely love the kittens to bits and haven’t regretted getting them for one second.

Your DH is, through no fault of his own, not really a husband to you any more but you are sticking with the marriage ‘through sickness and in health’ and it is extremely difficult and miserable for you. Yes, you should get kittens if you want them as you have a proven track record with cats (you don’t sound like someone who would just dump them back in the shelter) and would love them and look after them properly.

I agree with this. Cats are far easier than dogs, but they're still a pet that requires a lot of care. They're very independent and their independence is risky. We've been in the position of introducing a new cat (kitten) to our existing cats and it's hard work as they adapt to one another. Our two never really took to the kitten, although they did just about tolerate him. He was run over by a car when he was little more than a year old.

Op, I understand where you are coming from, but I also think that it’s unfair to bring animals into a home, when there is a person who doesn’t want them there.

My husband loves kittens and would love a pet, but I say no. He would look after it and pay for its food etc, but I don’t want an animal. So we don’t get one.

If he surprised me by being home an animal, then both he and the animal would need to find accommodation. Your husband can’t do that, so it must feel very stressful for him. And he’s probably still adjusting to his new life with such a severe disability and likely already feels overwhelmed and resentful. It’s unsurprising that he’d be miserable. He has limited control over even the smallest things anymore and he hasn’t even had his point of view on this respected.

I’d wait and work on other things to make life a bit more meaningful.

The people who are saying that cats are no bother at all have clearly never had cats or have just been lucky.

Cats scratch the furniture, the carpets, they knock things off of tables/cabinets, they climb on work surfaces, if they’re allowed outside they bring home dead rats/mice/birds, or they get lost for days/weeks on end, they get run over.

I adore my cats but to say they’re no trouble at all simply isn’t true.

Plus it’s not fair on the existing cat to bring more into the household. Cats are solitary territorial animals. So at this point the only one who will benefit from the cats is the OP, and the DH aside, there is already an animal in this mix who is not being considered.

Even if the DH agrees it should still IMO be a no t more cats because of the existing resident one.

You're a 48yo married woman and mother of two children. Your mother cannot forbid you to do anything! I'm astounded at how she spoke to you and would have told her it's absolutely none of her business. Is she always that controlling/ abusive?

However, with pets I think it's really important that other members of the family are on board with the decision. What is it that your dh objects to?

Well it’s a fairly cruel to use the fact he can’t fall over it as a reason to justify getting more cats. As he also presumably won’t be able to stop the things clambering over him, fighting near him and generally being a nuisance. I don’t know if you’ve ever cared for someone who has lost their independence for health / medical, but in my experience it’s a really tough thing to come to terms with. Having no control over your immediate environment is demeaning and degrading.

It is possible but quite a gamble.

He's trapped inside his body and perhaps more cats are a reminder of his loss of movement and inability to give or receive affection.

You're trapped inside your home and will cherish the affection of the cats and the enjoyment of the companionship for you and your children.

You are both in a very difficult place and personally given the extent of his physical limitations think he would be better off in a care home where you and the children can visit and spend time with him rather than having to be on eggshells at home.

My Mum forbids me to do stuff all the time. I'm fifty and live in a different country. Sometimes I point this out to her, but most of the time I just ignore her. Ignore her, OP.

I think with your husband, you need to find out more about why he is so against the idea. Is there a specific and reasonable reason, or is he just angry with life? Does he realise what getting more cats would mean for you? If you can, I would try to have a good conversation about this and discuss how you both feel about this.

Cats do cost money, food, insurance flea and worm plus they damage carpets by scratching. My cat has ruined two of my carpets and marked them I would never get another cat to be honest. If you are a cat lover that's fine but you do need to think of the expense. Does anyone really need three cats? If you have an indoor litter tray x 3 that would also make your house smell perhaps these are also his considerations. You shouldn't have gone behind his back on this without proper discussions I would be really cross if my partner brought two cats home that I've said I don't want.

Speaking as someone who has been in a very similar position ( except my DM was lovely). I just cracked it one day and took my 3 ( then very young ) kids in the car to the local dog rescue centre and adopted two little terriers. One was a terror and they took him back,( he bit which was something they failed to mention) the other was a delight and lived happily for 15years . And to all the people saying it's equal decision making, sure, normally it is, but after something like this it just isn't. OP has to do whats best for the whole family AND herself.
Also cats are no bother, they might end up sleeping on your DH's bed.
Best wishes , it's a terrible situation , and the carers ( don't say a word in front of them that you don't want the entire extended family to know . just a bit of advice). x

It likely won't benefit the existing cat. They will be unrelated, new cats will be bonded.

Cats are sentient animals and a huge responsibility living potentially 20 years, it's not a decision to be made quickly or without full support of the household. There is already a cat in the home, adding another 2 unrelated cats is more likely to go wrong than right. Healthy young cats can be reasonably cheap to care for, but as soon as there is an illness the insurance can be an issue. My cat has a long term health condition costing us £4000 every year. He's 15 and still potentially has years to live. It's not as simple as telling the op 'just get the cat you deserve it, you seem sad'. There is already another cat whose needs also matter, plus the potential for 2 more cats to need lifelong care in a house where one person is not on board with them being there.

Honestly I do despair sometimes. We take in so many cats as a result of situations like this going wrong and it's just so preventable by people thinking about the animal rather than 'i want one'

Your mother sounds like a nightmare and has no right to an opinion, still less to verbally abuse you.

I genuinely sympathise with your situation because I've been caring 24/7 for my bedbound DH for years now. You are very probably much younger than me given the ages of your kids and I can only imagine that you all feel you have been robbed of the life you should have had. I think though that you should take your DHs views on this into account, because 2 extra cats will impact on him and however sad and lonely and robbed you feel, he will have that with added powerlessness on top.

It's horrible all round and only you can know if there is any way to work on your marriage (it takes two), find better ways of communicating going forward and look at all possible ways of making the situation as tolerable as it can be for all of you. It is tough to balance marriage + care and I wish you all the best.

YADNBU

Why on gods earth shouldn’t you have something to give you joy in your life?

It will also benefit your lonely cat.

I think two young cats was the mistake. One older cat would have been better.

I also think your DH’s reaction is down to him feeling disempowered since he became disabled. His present and future must seem very bleak to him, I can’t imagine he can plan anything nice for himself or his family.
In your shoes I’d return the cats to the charity, or say no if they’ve not arrived yet. I don’t think keeping them is going to go well. Sorry.