Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

I think you’re both reaching here. OP never said this was his objection. It was the cost. They already have a cat!

Your husband and mum sound awful! You get your cats and ditch him!

Exactly this. Poor man.

Animals are expensive and if money is tight already it is being a bit selfish. Personally I would hate having animals climbing over the furniture, it must be especially frustrating for your husband as he can’t get them to move.

Personally I think you are being entitled, you are one of 4 in your household.

As for the inheritance your H is being unreasonable and this needs to be addressed.

Pets are not remotely like babies, as long as the other partner is not unkind to the pet. A baby deserves the love and care of both parents in the home.

So are you saying that the op should just suck it up and let him treat her like shit just because he is now disabled?

No. IME most fears of animals are resolved by children being exposed to those animals.

Even if it’s a crippling phobia treatment suggestion is usually exposure to the product of said phobia, but I wouldn’t enable my child to become that phobic in the first place. With the exception of children who have e.g. been attacked by an animal, most fear of animals is fed by the parents.

Honestly, I would not sacrifice my whole life for someone else. We all only get one chance at life. I would live with the guilt and shame of leaving my husband in order to make the most of my own life. I can't imagine what he's going through, but equally, I can't imagine what you're having to cope with. If he doesn't care about you enough to even let you have a bit of companionship in the evenings then it's not much of a marriage anyway. I do know how angry he must be at his situation. My husband's dad had muscular dystrophy and dh's mom was a carer for many years. She had numerous affairs to cope and I don't judge her for that. My father in law was very angry and difficult. Life is sometimes very very tough and I wouldn't judge anyone til I'd walked in their shoes.

Your life sounds very difficult, so does your husbands.
Its not clear what going "ape shit" meant and whether he was abusive or just angry. He should not, however be telling tales to your mother and she shouldn't be trying to "forbid" you from anything.
That said I think getting two young cats is a bad idea. It is more likely to make your existing cat's life unpleasant than to cheer her up.
It's also extra work for you settling them in and extra cleaning etc. and as your husband is probably feeling powerless, ignoring his view doesn't sound very sensitive.
The whole issue with his brothers and the money needs sorting. They are being totally inconsiderate of you.
Does your Mum help you at all? She can't tell you what to do but if she gives you support as well as trying to boss you about I think it changes things slightly.

I'd be asking ghe pair of them if he wants to move in with his mother. I wouldn't be spoken to like that. Does he see you as some kind of servant.
His life might not be want he wants but neither is yours. Maybe compromise and get one extra cat.

@FloydWasACat of course you need to look after your own needs.
In this situation I see your mother’s opinion as irrelevant. She is not part of your household and it doesn’t sound like she supports you on any way. Please try and put her unhelpful comment behind you.
Apart from cost did your DH have any other rationale for why you shouldn’t adopt another cat? Have you discussed this with your carer’s group? They may have insight knowing how much work is involved caring for someone who is quadriplegic.
In the longer term do you/he have access to any counselling via your specialist centre or the SIA?

If you really feel sure you want the extra work and potential hassle, I think it would be lovely for you and would mean a lot to the kids. of course you should be able to do something for yourself. Don't feel guilty.

You suggested trying to think of it from his perspective. Which I'm sure OP does. But it doesn't stop the abuse, or make it OK.

Is that what I said? I don't think I did. Behaviour can be explained without being justified you know.

It must be incredibly difficult for you, caring for a man who is horrible to you. Are there any other options for you? If the kids had left home and you drop down dead what would happen to him?

What if the child is scared of the pet? Do they not get a say?

And that gives you the right to abuse someone else does it? Most abusers are that way due to previous experiences. So is all abuse justifiable and should be accepted?

i don't think this is a cat or not cat thing, I have been a carer and also worked in the NHS as a clinician. I think you have bigger issues than that. First I think that your mother needs to butt out. From what you say she has form for this and its definitely time to stop her. Secondly I get that your husband is having a difficult time. From what I have read (havent RTFT sorry) his disability is fairly new. Is he getting any support to come to terms with it? I think you are caught in the middle of this.....You are entitled to a life and choices and stuff for you but I think that when people say this so glibly to carers, they mean a day out or time to watch TV, or read a book, not getting a new pet. I am not going to say LTB but not everyone can be a carer, even for a partner they love. Honestly I don't think getting a cat or cats will help you now. Have you got someone who advocates for YOU? I know its hard to do now but a first starting point might be to go to your GP and just say that you are not coping. You are entitled to a carers' assessment to be sure that your needs are being met. At some point, I think you need to have a calm discussion with your husband about what you can and cannot do. yes he is feeling bereft and angry but that doesn't entitle him to take it out on you. Does he/can he leave the house? Does he have support to work through how he is feeling?

I wouldn't bring another cat into a home with an older cat as they often do not get along, especially introducing two young cats, they may picking your older cat.

But nobody should feel stuck in an abusive relationship because their abuser is disabled. Your husband is angry, but he has no right to take this out on you. If his personality is making you unhappy, leave him. Why give up so much of your life for someone that doesn't respect you?

Do you actually want to stay with your husband..
You don't have to just because he's in a wheelchair
He doesn't sound like A very nice man.
He's not thinking of your needs in the slightest,when he has everyone running around thinking of his needs ,would it really hurt him ,to occasionally think of what his wife needs .

No matter who is right and who is wrong 3 cat's in one house is a lot. I love cat's but there is no way i would have 3, that's straying into weird cat lady territory. Yes your husbands wishes count after all he is the one stuck in the house with them 24/7, he doesn't get to choose his surroundings or control his life, maybe you could let him win on this one.
I think you need to find a couple of hours a week where you go and do something for yourself. There are many charities that will help with providing care for a morning or afternoon a week so you can have some respite. You are carrying a heavy load and you must make time for yourself. Have you looked into respite care for your husband so you can take the children on holiday ? You have to ask for help, you are only one person and can't do this all alone.

You don't have to stay in this relationship OP. It sounds like you want to leave but feel too guilty to. If your husband doesn't appreciate the sacrifices you make for him then leave. Yes it sucks that he's disabled. But that's not your fault and he doesn't get a free pass to be an unpleasant selfish arsehole because of it.

I think the background sounds really difficult for everyone involved. Obviously that was a really traumatic change to everyone in the family’s lives. What was your relationship like before the accident and how is it now? If you’re unhappy I hope you understand you really can end the relationship you’re not obliged to stay in a caring role. The majority of relationships fail in any event and I could easily imagine a large percentage of relationships end after this sort of event due to the massive change in circumstances etc. Your husband going “apeshit” at you and getting your mum involved in your decisions, who he presumably knows is volatile with you, is not okay. I think it’s a case of making a bigger decision than the cats: do you want to be in this relationship?

The fact that you're talking about getting a living thing as "doing something for yourself" is the crux of the issue for me. You're not thinking about what's best for the cats but for yourself. It won't be pleasant for them living in a home with an angry man who doesn't want them there, cats are sensitive and intuitive animals, not comfort blankets.

Look I've been a carer so I get how lonely and isolating it is, but overruling your husband and bringing animals into the home that he doesn't want is not a solution to that loneliness. Try and think of it from his perspective, which I recognise is so hard when he's been angry and cruel to you.

Wouldn't you be angry, bitter and humiliated if you'd literally lost all control of your body and had to entirely surrender your care to someone who was supposed to be your equal partner in life? You ask has anyone here been a carer, have you ever been paralysed and helpless and totally dependent on another human? Can you not imagine why a man who can't control his limbs might overreact to control of what lives in his house being taken from him despite his protests?

Wow, really? DH and his brothers are happy for you to fund your entire family, knowing that they have the means to contribute financially and make life easier for you? That’s horrendous. You sound like you’re surviving, rather than living.

I say get the cats if they make you happy, but if DH’s behaviour is only bad since he became quadriplegic, it sounds like he’s taking his own suffering out on you.

Doing something for yourself goes beyond getting a couple of cats.

You may feel guilty about feeling resentful of your situation, knowing that your DH isn’t at fault and can’t do anything about it, but you’re allowed to feel upset, angry, or even want better for your life. You sound very caring and nurturing and are thinking about everyone else.

If DH has finances that could be available to him, I would consider how you can make it clear to him that he needs to fight for it, to make your lives easier. If the situation were the other way round, would he really work, look after you and the kids and let his brothers have a comfortable, stress-free life, while he struggled through the days?