Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

All the posters gleefully telling the OP to LTB, leave him to his own devices and not care about what happens to him, in fact those posters who are essentially saying that someone with a disability is nothing but a burden and good reason to leave a marriage might do well to remember that you’re all just a car crash away from being in the same situation.

The contempt with which some people are talking about people with serious disabilities on this thread is disgusting andyou all should be ashamed of yourselves.

There but for the grace of God go any of you…

And I’m not talking about acknowledging that it’s hard to be a carer, but some of the posts on here go way beyond that.

If you are alone every evening from 9pm then get another cat if you want one. Cats are such wonderful company and very affectionate too. You need some joy in your life. Can you hang up on your Mum if she is abusive to you on the phone? It must be very hard for you all. It sounds like you are the verbal punch bag in your family. Put a stop that OP. Nobody deserves to be verbally abused. Being disabled does not give a person the right to go ape shit towards you.

@@Uricon2 Yes, of course. And some of us here only have suspicions that she is lying. So you can choose to believe that she is either concocting a story, or asking for our views / opinions. Those of us who have cared for terminally ill / very sick / bedridden people know what it is to be able to breathe a sigh of relief and do something we really long for - even if it is sitting down with a book, or staring into thin air, when all other things are seen to. Imagine taking off shoes that pinch, and multiply the feeling a hundredfold.

Rosscameasdoody Kindly remove your blinkers and explain what I have said that is wrong / cruel. This woman is bending over backward to take care of the household, the husband, the children, and the cat, and she has a job outside the house. And yet, she wants two cats, and her husband and her mother are giving her grief about it. She thinks the cats will give her solace - they will be the only personal corner she has in her life, because the rest of it is devoted / dedicated to serving others. Do you / would you allow your mother to speak thusly to you? Now that I have explained myself, perhaps, better, can you tell me what I have said that irked you, and why you are so angry at me?

What sort of a life do you have? Do you have anyone coming in to relieve some of the pressure on you as carer and let you have some independent life and some family life? Or is it all on you?

Your mother is probably aghast at the thought of her daughter (however old you are) having more care work on your plate. Because cats take time, attention and potentially quite a lot of money. It really isn't her business but I understand her reaction. Put it aside.

See a solicitor with your husband and learn about his rights re the inheritance. The brothers probably think he can't do anything about it. They would be wrong. That money would go a long way to improve his quality of life. And yours.

'He gets put in his room ... ' And left there? How grim that sounds.

This dreadful thing that has happened to your husband robbed him of all independence and control over what happens in his life.

I can't imagine what it must be like for him.

Now he has made one decision about what he'd like in life - and that gets bulldozed.

And I can't imagine what it must be like for you to have become carer to a person in this situation - and what it must do to his personality, to your relationship and to both your freedom.

I understand the urge to bring the pleasure of pets into your home, but it may cause more trouble than it's worth.

It’s a two yes one no issue. One of you said no, so it’s a no.

I'd drive and dump the husband with your mother, OP, they can live together, seem to be made for each other. Divorce him and get as many cats as I'd want.

Ungrateful bastard. You do everything, take care of everything and him, work and he 'goes apeshit' because you want a pet? He can piss off and take care of himself, then. Can't do that? Well tough shit.

LTB.

My barrister told me that 4 years is the average length of a marriage after a catastrophic injury. he was bang on, I lasted 4 years. Mine had a brain injury as well as quadraplegia. I felt bad, and still do feel guilt but it was no life for me or my DC having carers and healthcare staff constantly in the house 24 hours a day every day. I ends up like living in a hospital and you are constantly watched and talked about. It's horrendous. My now ex-DH is I think just as happy in his own home with his 24/7 carers and visits from his DC and his family and friends. ( I'm banned so only see him at events where we both go.( uni grad, DC birthday etc)
Good luck @FloydWasACat it's a rough ride and it goes for years. I presume you will have a court case to get through as well. I lost my entire 30's to the accident.
Don't waste your life.
Get a kitten, go away for the weekend,have a fling or seriously consider divorce.
Oh and get that house that he owns a share of on the market, or at least make the siblings pay rent. x

I remember your earlier posts about your dh, and so sorry it is so hard. Hope you can talk him into the cats.
Like people say, carers do leave. Sounds like you need more choices in your life. As well as SIA have you tried BackUp for mentoring and online meetings?

Typical MN. Op posts that she has had cats for more than a decade. A load of posters reply to say that well, cats are expensive/ time consuming / destructive. Presuming ops previous cats were real and not fake, op, after 10+ years, knows what cats are about ? And why do so many people assume they know ops cat better than her? And what she wants, better than her?
Op is holding it together for her dc and her dh and lastly, herself. She matters too. Massively. And, whilst I have enormous sympathy for her DH, let’s not assume op is an idiot who cannot decide what’s best for her or that her DH has, or is entitled to have, the final say.

I don't think now is the right time to get two more cats.
I know you say your DH likes cats, but is it he doesn't mind them however finds them annoying/the litter tray smells, or whatever?

I suggest get to the bottom of that and your relationship before contemplating more.

I'm still baffled by all the posters who seem to be assuming that this husband is an abusive man.
None of us know what the OP meant by 'apeshit'. Apart from that she's called him 'not pleasant' and 'angry' (which is understandable in anyone whose partner disregards their opinions about something as fundamental as how many pets live in the house or what the family's finances are used for).
The only person she's used the word 'abuse' about is her own mother.

i'm still wondering why the OP has to be 'lonely' just because the carers put her husband to bed at 9pm - can't she spend time in the room with him after that?
Or does she not want to?

I'm very aware that men get abused by female partners too. And disabled people are frequently the victims of domestic abuse, by carers and family members.
The whole situation sounds deeply unhealthy.

And the idea of bringing some more cats in, just to cheer up this unhappy human, is grim.

We've had both situations with cats we had two and when one was knocked down the survivor tried kidnapping the kitten - kitnapping? from down the road. We got another cat and they were so close. We tried the same with another cat and the existing one left home.

I agree that you need to spend more time together that's not carer focused TV in his room after he's been put to bed.?

It's my lived experience too, and I never used the term "nappy"

Bloody hell the OP is asking about cats. What damn business is it of yours to ask these very personal questions about his care? She is the one who does most of the work and im sure he isn't lying in there with no stimulation at all for hours on end.
Honestly some of the frankly disgraceful posts on here are unbelievable.

What a tragic situation all around. Beyond awful for your husband whose life is so curtailed and who is so reliant on other. And terrible for you, with the loss of your expectations about your life together.

I do think the thing about the cats is a bit of a diversion. OP, what the relationship good before your husband became paraplegic. How did you navigate differences of opinions earlier in your relationship?

You mention he is not pleasant to be around. While that is understandable, it is also understandable that you do not want someone 'going apeshit' on you. Again, is it mostly ok and this particular issue has triggered him (pets are expensive, maybe his money worries are valid?). Or does he regularly lash out at you?

While anyone in this position would have difficult days, or times they are less than pleasant, it is also a choice to stay stuck in bitterness and to choose to deal with this by lashing out at the people near you. The first I could live with. The second, no.

FWIW I knew a woman whose husband had a stroke in his 30s. He was not as disabled after as your husband, but was in a care home. He was constantly pressuring her to let him come home, but he was vile to her. When I met her, it was 2 years after his stroke. Before this, I had always been judgmental of people who leave spouses in this situation. But after seeing how he treated her, I was not surprised when she left him. She also really wanted to be a mother, so was feeling time pressure.

While you are married it is still a partnership, regardless of physical abilities. But if there is no positives any more, if you do not enjoy each others company at all, and if the relationship is mostly composed of being shouted at, its ok to say you cant do it.

I hope you can both find some peace.

Edited to say - tell your mother to butt out. And that if she ever talks to you like that again, you will seriously consider how much you can allow her to be in your life.

You are an angel. Get your cat's, make yourself and your kids happy.
Sorry but your Mum has no say, surely?
Your DH - well, he likes cats, it won't affect him other than you'll be happier.

He is thinking that attention will be less on him, for sure.

Possibly the cruellest and most ignorant post on the thread.

Absolutely this.

And mine. Some people here are commenting in total ignorance of what caring full time for someone actually means.

And you only have OP’s word for that.

Not spiteful or ignorant. Four years ago this man had control of his life, now he has virtually none. He relies on carers, and his day, including when he goes to bed, is dictated by the times they call. Just stop and imagine that for a second. And the whole way in which OP has couched this says to me that this isn’t the first time he’s been told to put up with something he doesn’t want. He probably feels emasculated and not in control of anything, and it sounds as though OP is adding to that. Just because he’s disabled doesn’t mean he doesn’t get a say.

This. Frankly, the way you speak about your husband is disturbing.
“He gets put into his room at 9pm and that’s it until the next day”.
Sounds like you’d give an animal more interaction and affection.

@Uricon2 Abuse is abuse, whichever way you look at it. The message is ''You have me to look after, you have to look after me... to hell with what you want [the cats] or what you need [time and solace]...''

Not fine, but don't pretend that he really has any cards in the game here. You do understand what being quadraplegic means, don't you? OP can walk away at any point and he will undoubtedly end up in residential care as a result, for the rest of his life, because he would not be able to live at home safely.

But carry on, support the cats. If @FloydWasACat really wants to go for whatever reason, she should, of course, but I'd put cash money on you never having had someone you love utterly dependent on you @ForRealCat and experienced the very complex situation it creates.