Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

It's not hard to look after cats and work! Even fulltime! They're not dogs! And unlikely to need 'training' either as per another poster. Really odd ideas here.

Sorry, I find that rather an unusual question. Lots and lots of people have cats and it doesn't make them love their family less. 🤷‍♀️

I think he's being a bit unreasonable, anx frankly your mother should butt out - and definitely NOT speak to you like that! You have a job and are a carer for your children and your husband. You say there is little joy in your life, so if this is what having cats around brings you, you should have it!!

She's already said the cat is lonely.

She might not be right though.

If Op works out of the house-who is looking after the 3 cats?

If my husband spoke to me like that, I'd be getting 10 cats.

Even if it means transferring your love from DH and family onto 3 cats?

He must be very lonely. Being disabled is. People stay away because they think if you ask them for one thing you will ask them all the time. Your husband is put to bed alone, in his room (do you share it?) and doesn't have anyone to speak to.

Through that loneliness and wishing you were closer, you tell him you would rather have the company of three cats than him.

You don't know you will always be fit and well. You are assuming you will be fit enough, and rich enough to look after three cats. Perhaps your children are also thinking you have moved away from them and pouring all your love and attention onto three cats when there are three other people in your home who need you more.

Why not get a job as a cat/dog/alpaca walker? You can have all the pleasure without the expense or responsibility.

Like millions of grandparents who love their GCH but are very relieved they can give them back to the parent.s

I absolutely love animals and life would be very empty without them. I don’t blame you one bit for wanting to give 2 cats a loving home. It is very kind of you and like you say, YOU are the one who will be looking after them. I really can’t understand your husband’s reason for saying no? And your mum needs to keep her nose out - it’s your life not hers.

Many people do not realise just how expensive it is to have just one cat, if you are caring for it properly. The cost of living has risen for everything. The cost of disability is hitting the roof. I know. When you have a cat, it isn't just the food. It is the cat litter, extra cleaning and sterilising items to buy, an identity chip and expenses concerning that, immunisations, and the very high vet bills. No NHS like the children. Vets have a long training and their fees are high. Operations are expensive, as is insurance.

That is why there are so many cats who need homes.

That expenditure may be worrying your DH. It isn't just the cost though. I always had cats. When my last cat died I wanted another, but I also knew that any pet would suffer because I was disabled and my late husband was older than me. There are times when I looong for a cat, but I know I cannot have one not just for financial reasons, but for practical ones too.

He cannot help care for the cats, nor can he enjoy them. It could take you ages to train them, and it would remind him constantly that he needs help in that direction too. Reminding people of their disability and their helplessness is so easy to do, and so depressing for them.

And then progress to two goats. The children will love them.😁

Get the cats. You deserve some joy in life and if they bring joy then go for it. You are exactly right saying nobody knows what it's like to be in the position you are in until they find themselves in it. And your mother shouldn't be speaking to you like that. In fact her forbidding you to get the cats is exactly the reason to get them. And your husband not bothering sorting out a property inheritance then pleading poverty on feeding and insuring two cats is just pathetic and mean.
And in this case it's not a unanimous household decision. It's a decision to keep a selfless over stretched loyal mother and wife from feeling completely isolated and undervalued.
Get the cats and enjoy the feline company after 9pm. You deserve it.

I also think you should consider assisted living. Being out to bed at 9pm each night cannot be pleasant for him. And he is unpleasant to you. You do not need to put up with that. Statistically he is likely to have already left you if the situation was reversed.

and your mother needs better boundaries. Take her key off her.

I think in this you should only follow your own heart. You are under a lot of stress and if those two young cats can help you feel happy, go for it! Better than taking pills 💝

OP I agree you need /deserve something for you. Whilst it is also your DH house to be fair he contributes nothing to child care, housekeeping or earnings.

how old are your kids? If you are getting nothing from the relationship even companionship then you don’t need to be a martyr and now might be the time for a care home for your DH.

Do you need your mother in your life to help with household management? If not then go NC for a period. She has no right to speak or treat you like a naughty child. I would also suggest counselling / CBtT- help you with your self assertiveness and self worth.

She's already said the cat is lonely.

OP get the cats. It's not like having another baby at all as some posters have tried to insinuate. You're the one funding the cats and looking after them.

You're coping with so much and deserve some joy out of your existence. I'm sure your husbands disability is hard on him, but its hard on you too and now effectively in terms of responsibilities you are single, because he can't share the load.

He could still look out for you by supporting you emotionally, instead he goes behind your back and tells on you to your mum. Who should also be supporting you but prefers to verbally abuse you.

These two do not care about your best interests, so you're going to have to put yourself first.

What's it got to do with your mum?

I would be leaning towards your side if it were one cat, but as a PP has said I think a bonded pair will bring you problems. Obviously I'd try to get your husband onside but your DM doesn't really get a say (unless she lives there or inputs financially to your household...but I reckon that's a no).

Get the cats, you only live once. Your older one probably won't want much to do with the younger ones but you never know! You sound really unhappy and cats are a joy, so why not. 3 is a good number (I have 5 lol).

YANBU. Your husband and your mum have no right to speak to you like that. You sound as if you need some joy in your life, and you sound very kind too.. you also say your children would welcome the cats. The extremely abusive reactions from your husband and your mum are way out of order. Your Mum needs to butt out, and you need to talk to your husband about why he reacted that way-but also be very clear about YOUR needs too. Unfortunately he & your mum sound like bullies. I hope you get this resolved with him, and I hope you get some happiness back into your life very soon. And thank you for offering a home to homeless animals.

Why is the cat you already have not enough?

And “don’t end the affair because if he dies you won’t want to be alone.”

So, different thread:

OP posted that her husband had brought home a cat despite her saying no. We’ve had similar with puppies as well iirc. Responses:

”you said no, so you get the overriding decision.”

“How dare he go against you.”
“If everyone isn’t on board then the one who says no wins.”

“Take the cat to a rescue centre, or give him an ultimatum that he needs to get rid of it or you will.”

Then we have this:

Woman says she wants another cat and her DH says no. So she goes ahead and puts herself forward for not one but two cats. Her DH (naturally) goes apeshit because he’d already said no and she’s gone against that and done what the hell she’s like.

Responses:

“well, he’s a quadriplegic so he doesn’t need to be looking after the cat anyway”
“you shouldn’t have to be looking after hi, so just LTB and enjoy your cats. He can look after himself.”

The double standards are plain to see as usual but in this instance there’s a massive dollop of ableism thrown in for good measure.

We have no idea that the man is abusive. If my partner presented me with a couple of kittens as a done deal I’d go apeshit as well. Nothing to do with being abusive.

Except this is my, and any man who loses his temper for any reason is automatically branded an abuser whereas any woman who does the same has only done so because she is either in the right, or in response to his doing what he wanted being branded as abuse if she’s said no.

One poster actually said 'he is quadriplegic, how bad can he be?' Or stating that they think OP is lying.

I am more disgusted by posters that feel disabled people are entitled to treat their spouses poorly and encouraging women giving their lives to disabled people to suck up abuse. It is not OK.