Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

OP has been advised to do something for herself, which is good advice but getting two young cats isn't something purely for herself, it's something that will impact on the whole family.
Usually when a couple are making a decision it is the person who doesn't want to change things that ends up getting their way. That applies from big things like planning another baby to smaller things.
Initially I thought the husband was very wrong to involve OP's mother and that her mother was extremely out of order.
There isn't really an excuse for the way her mother spoke to her and she can't forbid her but now I am wondering if her Mum was at her house talking to her husband while OP was at work because she was helping in some way and that having more pets would also affect her?
It sounds like the issues go much deeper than the disagreement about cats. OP says she is on her own because he is put in his room at 9pm, why doesn't she go in and talk to him, watch TV and chat? OP and her husband don't sound to have much empathy with each other's feelings.
I think everyone involved is having great difficulty adjusting to this distressing situation.
I would still like to know what going ape-shit looked like before calling it abuse. I could understand him saying that we can't bloody afford it and the last thing we need is two fucking cats.

He’s not getting a say though is he ? OP wants the cats and seems to be pressing ahead with that despite his objections. It makes me wonder what else he’s been forced to accept against his wishes simply because he hasn’t the physical agency to assert himself. The situation sounds quite emasculating for him.

I agree with most of your post, but I do think it’s important for her DH to get his share of the inheritance given that his care needs are ongoing. It could make a difference to the way he’s living now by buying in better care, or be put away in case he needs full time care at any point.

No.
She needs to talk to her husband about and IF he wants to talk to lawyers, do so.
It's his portion of inheritance and they are his brothers.
My brother lives in our parents' house with his family, and yes, it is a better place and life than we have. It would be great to have our share, and maybe but something small for ourselves. But I have my good reasons not to demand money, with our without lawyers.
And I would not accept any interference with that.

The OP resents that the money is not available, and she might have good reasons. So she can try and talk her husband into that.
But it's not a case of her getting two cats and a bossy lawyer in, because now that's how we roll.

It's a delicate situation for everybody in the house, putting strains on everybody. And nobody asked for it.
But reducing her husband to a burden with no agency is not the way forward (not suggesting that this is the op's plan, but it would be yours, that's what you are suggesting, and it is wrong).

OP: I can see you are, very understandably, in a bit of a dark place. And stuck. Does your husband feel stuck too, with no perspectives in life?
If there a way that could change, with your help, so in the end you all end up more proud of each other, long term?
I understand it can be a long journey and difficult, but maybe there are good examples, people who went through similar things and managed to improve things a bit, or even a lot. People you could seek advice from our at least read about, looking for solutions?
This is what helped me out in the past, when I felt everything was dark and that I didn't have in myself any miracle to make a difference.
I wish the very best to both of you and to your children.

Yeah, definitely get the cats, he can leave you if he’s not happy about it. Sounds like your life would be much more pleasant without him.

I don’t understand how the only way to “do something for yourself and be happy “ is to acquire a living thing.

he is the one who is the house 24:7 with the animals , no one else. But his opinion doesn’t matter?

As a carer myself I completely understand how shit it is Tell your Mother to butt out ! I am not "part of the LTB brigade " but perhaps all of you would be happier Your husband has no right to treat you badly or take his anger out on you Being quadriplegic isn't an excuse to be abusive

Cats are not hard work at all, and three is the magic number. I think the OP deserves to be becatted of an evening after the kind of days she’s no doubt having, and enjoy the safety in numbers, and the joy they will definitely bring her and her children. If husband was ok with 2 before, it shouldn’t be a huge issue. I couldn’t bare it if I was forbidden my cat quota, life can be so shit, so 3 cats are non negotiable, as they mitigate shitness every single day.

Just because her husband is disabled doesn't mean he has the ONLY say. It is absolutely not horrible if someone who is a carer does something for herself, that she needs. You should be ashamed of yourself for saying that.

I’ve been where you are now and get where you are coming from. It’s an endless and tough treadmill. Your feelings are not unreasonable but imo this is not about whether or not to get more cats. Log onto carers uk forum and look at the posts from others in your situation and you’ll see there are many dealing with what you are also tackling. You may find it useful to post there as well and you will find an empathetic and supportive response from people who truly get how tough and complex the caring situation is. Whether you post or not the forum is good for practical tips about day to day coping and it helps you feel less lonely.
take care and take heart, you are far from being alone in this space 💕💕💕

You really can’t understand why a quadriplegic might not want two young cats jumping and clambering over him, when he’s got no ability to remove them or encourage them away…?

The cats aren’t the real issue here though I don’t think; the OP and her husband need proper support and counselling, individually and together, to work through the situation they find themselves in which is of neither of their choosing.

Incidentally, google reckons a cat is £1,500 to keep - so two additional ones is another £3k…which as a commitment of family money probably needs some form of agreement?

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/blog/everyday-money/what-is-the-average-cost-of-owning-a-cat

Three dogs is immensely different to one dog. Don't be ridiculous.

What's strange?

I feed my cat when he asks, throw away what he doesn't eat & wash his bowl & let him in & out when he wants.

Also when he was younger cleaned his litter tray as soon as he used it.

There's probably workarounds for that but he certainly didn't/doesn't require no input!

I can't agree with going ahead and getting 2 new cats without your partner consenting to it. He's already lost a massive amount of control - he "gets put into his room at 9pm every night". It seems like his opinion doesn't matter, and neither does he.

I've had many cats and I don't see how you can be sure the new cats will get on with your current one. They often don't. Cats are expensive. We spent thousands on our lovely rescue cat due to various mishaps. We got some of it back on insurance, not all. The insurance rates were high too.

I understand you must be having a pretty awful time. But are new cats the answer? I would want to focus on the current one.

You're not out of order at all OP.

You don't deserve to be berated like that when you're doing so much for others.

I honestly can't see why it's such a big deal if you're going to look after them and pay for them (and you had already been a multiple cat household before your eldest one passed).

To be fair 2 extra cats are quite a lot of work. Yes, you're paying but it will be whoever is in the house more than will deal with them most. I've got one lazy cat who is so laid back (I would have 10 of him) and then I've got my other cat who is a very vocal spoilt cat that demands I feed him every hour and won't eat food that has been sitting in his bowl for more than 15 minutes. I'm on maternity at the moment and his demands are getting worse. He will literally knock everything off the shelves, fireplace and benches if I don't give in. 😂 Done cats are very hard work and are expensive once you consider insurance, food and that.

Get the cats! Feck the two of them.

I do hope that you get to read this message because I just want to say that you really need to stick up for yourself or you could become incredibly unhappy possibly depressed if this situation continues. Please stand up to your husband and mother and get the cats. You are not a child you are a grown woman who has every right to make her own decisions. You also deserve a life and your mother and husband are really ridiculously selfish but I am not sure that you realise how much they are manipulating you. They need you more than you need them so be aware of that and be strong for yourself

One dog or three dogs isn't really any different.

Sorry OP - sounds very hard for you all!

I wouldn't go against my husband for big decisions, but if you have always had cats and he does like them, it seems a no-brainer. And as you say - you do the work, you pay for everything, and children are keen. I'm sure your DH will come round.

My DH has never been a cat person and always complains (mildly) when they cost (me) money, or scratch things etc. But he's happy enough when they curl up on his lap!

I've always had two at a time for the same reason as you are thinking. We lost one in the summer and after that my boy was very clingy and off his food (no-one to compete with) so the DCs and I found another female at a local cat charity. Mentioned it to DH and he was definitely not keen. Did we take any notice? Not a bit. Majority vote won.....😀!

We got her just before Christmas and my ginger boy is much happier! And she sleeps every evening on DH's lap!

Go for it! And as you say - especially with what you are all going through, little things for yourself can help make things bearable. Tell DH you aren't going against him as such but it's going with the majority vote.

Let your mum have your DH and you get the cats.

Joking aside, life is too short so if the cats will give you a bit of joy (in a life which seems to be dedicated to a difficult DH and situation) then get them.

Tough titties to your DH really, and your mum.

I am sorry if you think that. It was not intended. People do indeed love animals. I did. They need devotion as well as food and inoculations and vet bills.

The OP has a cat which she is devoted to who could live another 9 years. One of mine was 18. She says she thinks this cat is lonely since the older one died. How does she know? Does the cat never go out?

She says she is lonely after her DH has been put to bed at 9. She doesn't mention interests they share. Just mentions she has children.

Something about her post just made me wonder why she needs two more cats.

That is what made me think she is not happy with the love she gets from her family and is looking elsewhere for comfort. I know that cats are a comfort. They know it too. One cat, two children and a disabled DH and she still needs something more?

Some strange questions here!
Cats mostly don't need to be constantly looked after. Three cats will look after each other in many ways.
I think OP stands a good chance of judging whether her cat is lonely from its behaviour.