Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

I know, I thought they were quoting you! You never said he doesn't like cats, I realise this🙂

OP, I just have to warn you that I have twice tried to introduce a new cat to the household with a negative outcome.
The first time, the original cat left home and started to live with a neighbour.
Years later, with another cat, I got a new kitten who grew up to be a bully, so the older cat lived her life looking over her shoulder.

Get the cats; do what you can to bring a bit of love and happiness into your life

i am shocked at your mum's reaction
she isnt a young person to be using such awful language

What will three cats give you that your one cat doesn't? Imagine the conversation was about going from having one dog to having three? What is it about people needing lots of cats?

forget your mums opinion.
your DH should be considered but bloody hell; it’s only two cats. I’d just do it. And then I’d probably think about divorce because this sort of behavior from your DH isn’t ok and you sound miserable.. there is a life for you that’s happier xxx

It sounds to me like he is lonely too? Can you change the routine and spend evenings together in his room? Personally I think you need to work on the relationship before introducing another pet...

Yes, mutual, with compromise on both sides to ensure both are happy with the arrangement. Actually, I wouldn’t buy a new car without discussing and agreeing it with my DH, but adopting a cat? Yes. We would discuss it but, we can afford it and I will do all the care? His say isn’t the final one because his needs and wants are not more important than my own, especially when it won’t negatively affect him.

YABVU. Both adults in the house should say yes before making the decision on pets.

He said no. You should not have got them.

I think when people at your carers group advised you to do something for yourself they were probably thinking of time away from the house doing something relaxing, enriching or fun, not bringing more animals into the house which need caring for.

I'm very allergic to cats and might be able to just about cope with one but definitely wouldn't cope with more and have never understood the need for multiple cat ownership, I think it's weird and I think it's dirty. You are proposing going from one cat to three! They climb on all the work surfaces and the people who have cat litter trays in the house, for me that's revolting. Perhaps your husband has some of these issues? What your mum thinks is irrelevant unless she visits a lot and is allergic.

If a woman becomes terminally ill (this is probably not exactly right but you get the drift) her husband is 600% more likely to leave her than if you reverse the sexes. But women do still leave.
You have options.

When my mum went to a care home I there was a much younger man there in a wheelchair and I started chatting to him . He said he had a massive stroke and his wife couldn't / wouldn't he his carer so he ended up in private care . He managed to secure CHC funding which is tricky but it pays for £100k care a year even if you have means to provide for yourself somewhat . I think she probably divorced him but I just thought I'd let you know . He was very bitter about it understandably and I imagine not nice to live with .

Just saying in cause you hadn't heard of it

Ah.

That sucks OP would he have to make them move out to force a sale for him to realise his inheritance on the property?

I can imagine in these circumstances it is building a lot of resentment as it would help take the pressure off financially.
is this something you could approach with him again?

I do think 2 extra cats right now isn’t the best idea as he should agree, I’m sure he feels his loss of independence and agency quite deeply. As the ignoring his views on this and then having the 2 cats as a constant reminder will not be an easy thing.

I definitely agree that you need time and things for yourself. However 2 cats are no the only way to achieve this. Join a small walking group, a knitting group. Volunteer at a cat shelter once a month. Something that gets you out of the house for 30mins an hour would be good.

I think you have fixated on the cats as the solution to your me time and convinced yourself it’s the only way to be realised. It’s not.

I will add that we have a cat, my husband does everything, but it's a cat. They get everywhere, sit on all chairs, fur everywhere, scratch every damn thing you own. They are still very much noticeable to everyone else in your house! Your husband presumably spends a lot of time at home. He'll be surrounded by 3 cats and their smells and hair and honestly it's a big deal. If he says no you should respect his wishes.

I've developed an allergy to my cat, I can't fuss her or be near her and so my husband is her only carer. She's still very much there.

If I'm paying for them, caring for them, exercising them and insuring them, nobody is telling me what animals I can and can't have. And nobody would continue to be in my life if they spoke to me the way OP is being spoken to. It appears she has zero respect from her husband and her mother.

What difference does it make to OPs husband's day if she has another cat?

First of all your mother sounds absolutely vile. What makes her the boss of you? Don't tolerate her speaking to you like that, just hang up next time or better still cut her out altogether.
As for your DH, it sucks that he is disabled and you are the carer but he should still recognize that your needs are valid as well. Why is he so against it? I think him going 'apeshit' is totally out of order. If he can't respect your needs too then sorry I think you should consider leaving.

It’s not just up to op but it is just up to her DH? He gets the final say? Why?

This is not a new car we're talking about. These are living beings that require ongoing commitment, costs and care. Sort of like when one half off a couple doesn't want children. They do get the final say.
And I thought when you were married all earnings are family money and so decisions need to be mutual?

That is a very visceral reaction from your DH. I certainly wouldn't get another cat without some further chats with him to see if there is something other than cost that he objects to.

Just ignore your mum's feelings, however, I would bring up how she talks to you. The words she used were unacceptable

It’s not just up to op but it is just up to her DH? He gets the final say? Why?

"Like I said, I am not asking him to do anything. He likes cats!"

🤷‍♀️which is it OP?

Edit - oh OP didn't say he dislikes cats? I thought you were quoting her. My husband would go apeshit too. He is a cat lover. Rightly so as he is the one who feeds our cats, so he is responsible for their care as well as me.

It's not just up to you what pets are in the house!! YABVVU you should not get more cats!!