Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

I suspect there must be a very good reason why both your mum and your dh think this is such a bad idea?
3 cats is an awful lot. I am not sure about cats wanting more cats in the house.

Do what you want to do OP. Sounds like your mum and DH have always controlled your life and they are still doing this. I would tell DH he can move out and live in a care home if he is going to continue to be abusing you .
tell your mum you are a grown woman and to butt out. They should not be “ganging up” to abuse you. Put your foot down and stand up for yourself .

My sister bought a dog when she had three young children, was living overseas with no family in the country she was in and her husband was diagnosed with a life-limiting illness. She and her children needed that dog. My mother was also a little dubious that my sister should be taking on extra responsibilities but she said nothing to my sister.

My sister and her children needed the joy and insouciance that the (small) dog brought into their home in those very dark years.

So your DH only objection is that you cannot afford another cat. Was your previous cat very costly at the end? Insurance wont cover much at that age.

Can your household afford another cat? The fact that it will come out of your wages is irrelevant, is there enough spare money to feed, insure and care for another cat? If so why does he not agree? You need a discussion.

Similarly his share of his mums house is irrelevant (altho needs sorting), the fact you being it up suggests there are money issues.

And your mum, her reaction also suggests that you don't have the resources for another cat. But maybe she's just abusive.

Bringing an animal into the home needs to be a joint decision. If dh does not agree and you do it anyway it is very disrespectful and controlling given that he cannot stop you. Maybe it is time to go your separate ways.

Just because your DH loves your current cat doesn't mean he wants additional ones added to the household.

I love my cat, but she leaves hair everywhere, scratches things, and can be expensive (food, toys, insurance, annual vaccinations). She also likes to have the occasional hairball vomit 🤢. You say you're only able to work PT so could you really afford two more?

If I was going to get another cat I'd get a single rather than a bonded pair, so that my current cat doesn't get pushed out or bullied.

Having said all that, regardless of your DH "not being nice to live with", it's equally his home too and my belief is with something like animals, it should be a joint decision. If anyone in the household is not happy then it doesn't happen.

I’m so sorry this has happened to your DH and to you. You’re coping with this horrible thing and the fallout of an angry DH, upset kids, and a hugely changed lifestyle. You’re doing so much care work both physically and psychologically. I bet you get so little headspace for yourself. Maybe you can’t just pop out to meet-ups as PPs suggest and the cats are so important because they provide company in your home, and the chance to have a relationship where you get paid some straightforward attention. I really hear you.

I hope you can chat to your DH at a better time, and chip away at his resistance a bit. It might still be possible to change his mind if he enjoys the cat too.

I’d also have a word with him again about the house you mentioned. At the end of the day his circumstances have changed massively and his brothers might be really sympathetic to that and buy him out. Wishing you the best 💐

can't you help/ support him to deal with the inheritance issue?
if they're living there, why aren't they paying him rent? or offering to buy him out by paying a lump sum? it sounds like he urgently needs some legal advice, and this might remove some of the financial strain you're both under.

in the meantime, how the fuck did you think it was acceptable to go ahead and triple the number of cats in your marital home without your partner's consent?! if anyone did that to me, i would probably go 'apeshit' (as you put it) in some way too. i may love cats, but not necessarily want to live with a whole herd of them.

your existing cat doesn't necessarily want to live with more cats either! especially two siblings which come as a pair and may just bully an older cat.

your post illustrates what sounds like an unhealthy/ broken relationship. he 'gets put in his room' at 9pm every night, & you feel lonely?!
at least you have the freedom to go out and do things by yourself (when the carers spoke about 'doing stuff for you' they probably meant this, not 'get more cats'). do you not think he might feel even more lonely and isolated than you? no wonder he's not as happy as he was in the past!

An older unrelated cat will be even less likely to bond. The answer here is for the owners to give the current cat more attention, the cat doesn't need another cat or kitten as a friend. This goes wrong more than it ever goes right.

I'd park the cat issue for now.

You are not happy in your relationship and you don't think that your husband gives you affection and respect.

Don't let his disability cloud the issue. The course of action for you is the same as if he was not disabled. Do you want to work on the relationship or are you done? If there is still something to salvage, does he have the capacity to reflect on his actions and change or is he unlikely to do this? These are the questions you should be thinking about imo.

Both your mum and DH sound incredibly overbearing! Why do they think they can speak to you like that? Are you normally a people please or the peace maker?
Your life sounds very hard. You and your children deserve every little joy you can get, and if that is in the shape of two kitty cats, so be it

Please don't get 2 young cats for your older cat. This is a terrible idea. These cats will be bonded and it will probsbly make the older cat life difficult. You should probably find another slightly older cat.
PP have articulated the DH/DM situation well

CP will look at whether it's a suitable home and your reasons for getting more cats. Your older cat doesn't "need" a friend, cats are naturally solitary animals. So many cats are miserable due to people not understanding this and expecting unrelated cats to bond and then live in the same house when they don't actually get on. Tolerating each other is often the result and it's a stressful outcome for the cats involved. I have many years of cat welfare and behaviour expertise on which this information is based.

The cats are not the issue here though and you should forget about these kittens, as the issue is your situation, you'd be bringing the kittens into a house where your feelings and theirs are not being considered. Your mum's opinion is irrelevant. I think you need to work on your relationship with your husband.

Yeah. You're married so finances should be a joint and civil discussion

Why on earth does your Mum think she can "forbid" you to do anything!

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

This is one hell of a backstory. He needs to get this sorted out. Was there a will?

I don’t think this is about cats.

OP how long is it since your husband became disabled? What were the circumstances?

It’s a massive adjustment for any couple / family to make. Is it working? How is your relationship with your husband? What about him and the children?

your husband doesn’t have his parents around, and his brothers are - what? Estranged from him? Not in touch? Dies he have anyone other than you in his life?

Hi op, this sounds like a very tough and lonely situation for you and I totally get why you want another cat.

Your mother is bonkers and I would tell her to fuck right off. It sounds like you love your dh and his response might be a little more complicated. I would imagine it is very difficult for him adjusting to his disability and I wonder if his getting angry and saying no isn't about the cats at all and more about feeling powerless. You have basically had to cope with everything and have presented the cats as another thing you will deal with and I suspect he is struggling with no longer having power, control and choices. If you love him and you want to stay together I wonder if you both might need some counselling to explore the new dynamic. This might be a harsh thing to say but you don't have to remain in an unhappy marriage out of duty op so do think carefully about what you are gaining.

The cats are a red herring. Children should not be near a parent who goes "apeshit" which I assume means losing control and shouting and a grandmother who thinks it's acceptable to call another person fucking stupid. Terrible behaviour being modelled to them. Appreciate your husband is under immense stress with his disability but that will be irrelevant to the outcome for your children and their emotional development.

Pets are like babies, both people (or the whole family in this instance) have to agree.

Why is your DH so anti the idea, does he think he wont get enough attention, is his immune system weak and he thinks he'll catch something. His he become more overbearing since he's become so dependent?

Wee cats generally don't need that much attention. I'd try and find out why he and your DM are so anti the idea.

Well, I make a lot of compromises for my DH, as he is well aware. So if I wanted two more cats (animals are my thing and he has always known that about me) and he tried to “put his foot down”. After I’d stopped laughing, I’d adopt the cats. Him saying no would be a dealbreaker for me. Unless he had a valid reason like an allergy or we genuinely couldn’t afford it, but in that situation, I wouldn’t do it anyway. Which sounds like how it is for op.

DH says we can't afford anymore pets but when his parents both died around 6 years ago he was supposed to get 1/4 of the house. He never did anything about it so his two older brothers are living still mortgate-free and won't leave.

You need to talk to a probate solicitor about this and maybe ask them to come to visit your husband to help sort this out.

Adopting two cats when you already have a cat? And your partner who lives in the house with you doesn't want two extra cats? I'd hate it and it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner went ahead and got two extra cats.