Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

I would ignore your mum and talk to dh again. The cats clearly bring you happiness and this is important. I hope you can make him understand

Agreed. That's why I would divorce him and have the cats.

I like elephants - I wouldn’t have one in my home.

Yes, as in the care team will arrive and do his nighttime routine, which will include actually hoisting him into the bed. Which takes 2 staff. So once he is in there he will only be getting up again when the morning team arrive to get him up. The op was being factually correct.

This is a really unpleasant and uncalled for comment. Finding life difficult doesn’t mean she hates him or has contempt for him. She’s simply showing us that she’s lonely in the evenings and wants cats for company. This isn’t negating his experiences as a disabled person. She is allowed her experiences and feelings too

Bloody hell, you sound charming! ‘Gets put into his room’????

@Peachynose Any reason to be so rude ? Any idea what it is like supporting a quadriplegic?
@FloydWasACat YANBU at all, Im a nurse and Ive worked in the community so Ive seen how hard your type of situation can be. I have also heard - more times than I can count- that the dogs / cats in the household are massively important for the wellbeing of the spouse/ family members.

Gently, this isn’t about the cats.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, whilst becoming disabled is undoubtedly affecting your DH, it’s clearly affecting you too.

First, your DM. She should not be speaking to you like that. You are entirely reasonable to put the phone down on her.

You say he’s not very nice - does this predate the disability? Whatever he’s feeling, he shouldn’t be taking it out on you.

Everything in the house, being the breadwinner and dealing with DC all falls to you. Does his disability dominate your lives?Do you have any other support beyond his carers?

If your DH is in “his room” and you’re alone of an evening, do you have much of a relationship with him beyond a caring role? Is it something that can be worked on, or has that time come and gone?

You sound like you’ve been trying to hold everything together and maintain some kind of normal for everyone but you’ve reached the end of your reserves.

Realistically, your DC will leave home and you could have another 30 years or more of this with your DH. It’s ok if you decide that you don’t want that or can’t cope with it. If you’re unhappy and there isn’t a way through, it’s ok to leave. You are a person with your own needs and wants, you matter too.

I’m so sorry OP, I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is. Give your current DCat a squish.

Personally I say do it! It is none of your Mum's business. I don't understand why your husband would be so against it, you say you do everything and it's something nice in your life for you and your children. I think you deserve that!

To me, it sounds as though your husband and your mum think of you as a lesser being to be bossed about and spoken badly to. They are pissed off that you've done something without asking or deferring to either of them. How dare you do something nice for yourself?

I don't see that the new cats will impact on either of them at all.

My point was more that he's got some nerve telling her how to spend money when he's not contributing anything. Obviously he can't work but he could do the one thing he IS able to and claim the money he's owed.

That’s really because they are a joint responsibility though? Would 2 more cats affect the dh in any way? He might have to see them? This seems a bit more like the op wants to join a gym- something for her that takes money and time, and her dh and mum have abused her for even thinking of it.

I'd get the cats OP.
You're 48, ignore what your mum says
You're paying for them
You deserve some joy in your life as being a carer is very hard
And to an extent, you're in charge now, the dynamic must have changed significantly in your house
And don't feel guilty about it (or let other people guilt trip you on it)
And your DH loves cats

You don't know that your cat will be fine with the new arrivals. It's more likely to be extremely stressful for it, having new cats taking over its space. I used to work in an animal shelter and people would constantly bring cats back post adoption because the old cat hated the new one. They would do things like toileting outside the litter tray, a classic sign of stress in cats, some would run away, never to be seen again. Just because your cat was fine with the one you lost, doesn't mean it will be fine with other cats. I think it's cruel to do this.

I'm confused too.
I'm not sure why 2 different family members would react so strongly.
If we ignore DM , apart from the interesting fury, why was DH so angry if you've previously had 2 and you do everything?
Maybe it should be a family decision, but I feel sad for you. This is your joy and comfort and no one is listening. I'm sad you sound so lonely 🥺.
Is DH always super reactive?

The cats are a red herring here.

The whole situation sounds unworkable long-term. Your husband gets "put in his room" every night, you have no company in the evenings, you argue and your mum interferes and gets involved in decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

It's okay to leave an unhappy marriage even if your husband is disabled - you don't have to sacrifice your life for him if you don't want to

Cost of 2 new cats for insurance, deworming and defleaing meds and food is c£80-100 pm.
I think that's quite a cost to take on without any joint discussion. It doesn't matter that you are earning its family money.
The situation sound so sad. But you could do something for yourself (very important) without spending quite so much.

Think twice about increasing the number of pets in the household
also, have a very honest conversation with yourself- if your husband was not disabled and treated you like that would you still be in that relationship? Don’t let guilt keep you there
more pets would make it more difficult to leave

I'd sit down with DH and say that you really want another cat and how important it is for your own health.

Then compromise by agreeing not to get the 2 younger cats but looking for one of similar age to the current one... and just don't involve your mum!

💐 I can't even imagine how exhausting and lonely your life is at times. So I agree with you: You are also a person with needs and wants. All of the needs and some of the wants should be met!

As long as you can afford them for the whole of their lives it should be ok. But might just one more be enough?

We got our DGirlCat a friend because she needed socialisation and then DBoycat needed a proper home. They have been so good for each other and I've not noticed a huge difference in costs or time having them both.

I can understand why you and the other cat need another. Your life sounds hard.

A bit off-topic I know, but maybe consider the fact that cats are solitary and territorial by nature (the species they descend from lives alone in the wild) and introducing new ones might not go well. Sometimes they get to be "friends" with another cat if they've lived with them all their life but that doesn't mean they're going to take to another one. You might just end up with constant fighting and a cat that runs away.

DH must be very sad and angry about what's happened to him but it's no excuse for abuse. Have you considered residential care for him? Until then, maybe tell him that until he does the one thing he's able to do to contribute to the bills (getting his share of the house), he can keep his thoughts on how you budget to himself. And for the love of God put your foot down with your mother - you don't have to allow anyone to speak to you like that.

I have a mother like yours. She needs to fuck off.

Your life sounds full of sacrifices. Get the cats. If he doesn’t like it he can leave, or you and DC can leave.

You are asking for one, ok, two little things 😺😺 to help get you through.

you still haven’t really given their reasons for saying no other than him on cost and her because she always says no? If there are no other genuine reasons then they are both controlling in their different ways. What has it to do with your mother anyway? Does she live with you? As for him he’s presumably desperate to be in control of something in his life. Either way sounds you and the kids would be better off without either of them.

I do think you’re being a bit U as everyone in the house has to want a pet. Plus young cats can be absolute twats so everyone has to want one.

Plus I think you’re using cats as a sticking plaster on a broken leg- I think you might be better thinking about more support/ changing how you live rather than bringing 2 more lives into this.