Mum and DH being horrid about getting more cats

He does have a say, but his isn’t the final say. Why does his “no” trump ops “yes” if she is going to be the one looking after them and paying for them?

Because he will have to live with them, and he doesn't want to? He has little enough choice as it is.

Why aren't you allowed cats though I don't get it ?

I love cats and had two for years until they were very old. However, I'd never have any more because there are many drawbacks amongst the benefits.
Ruined furniture, dead mice, mangled birds, just general hasslement when they seek attention and you're busy. Sitting on you when you don't want them to. The list is endless. And I LOVE cats. Even if someone else was entirely responsible for their care, I would never want another and would be thoroughly pissed off
if a family member brought one (or two) home.

Really? You must have led a very sheltered life if you’ve never heard of men who are mentally abusive?

But isn’t this the point. OP is taking advantage of her DH’s disability to impose on him something he has expressly said he doesn’t want, because ultimately he can’t move so there’s nothing he can do about it.

Can you imagine a poster here was writing as a quadriplegic that her DH was imposing 2 cats on her she didn’t want? There would be universal condemnation, and rightly so.

It doesn’t matter what his personality is like he has equal rights in this situation, and taking them away is inhumane.

Get the cats, you're absolutely right your cat is lonely and needs a companion. 1 or 3 is similar amount of work

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I understand your need for a cat as they are like therapy for you . They are good for your mental health bring you happiness. I have also been a carer and get it . You have to look after yourself first to be able to care for others .No objections from me.

From your perspective, you have an awful lot on your plate, life must be very hard and you are entitled to you stuff and you time.

From your DH's perspective, two new cats are an unknown quantity. He can't break up a fight. He can't deal with a very stinky poo in the litter tray. He can't remove a bird in distress being killed. He can't lift them off himself if they jump on.

My two cost me about £200pcm.

On balance, I'm not sure getting two 14 month old cats is a good idea. However, your mother's response is reprehensible.

I am sorry for the loss of your dear cat and the life you had.

Tell him you won't get a cat if he sorts out his inheritance! As a family, you will need that money, given how little support there is for people with disabilities. And even if^^ your Dh doesn't need it, he has children who would benefit and they should be his priority.

If he will do nothing to ease the burden on you, then I say please yourself and get the cats.

And tell your toxic mother to mind her own business. I'm sorry, but someone forbidding me to do something, would result in me doing the exact thing they forbade!

I am not disabled, and don’t have cats. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like being a quadriplegic or indeed looking after someone who is. But I can imagine that if one had limited or no mobility and are incapable of moving independently that the thought of two cats that could climb on or all over you could be pretty distressing.

It sounds like he's struggling with losing control of his life since becoming quadriplegic and this is one way of reasserting control. He's also probably fearful of the future, given he presumably can't work, which is why getting another mouth to feed (albeit a tiny one) seems terrifying.

I think for your mum and DH to both have such an extreme reaction that there must be more to this story. It would be interesting to hear their side of this story.

have had counselling and go to carers meet-ups and they always say 'do something for yourself, if it's not hurting anyone, you need to be happy too

You are hurting someone though as your DH has expressed how much he does not want another cat. For you then to go out and get not one cat, but another 2 cats, is a massive fuck you. He has just told you he is worried you can't afford one more cat so you get two? Seriously? So yes YABVU. You also have no idea how your existing cat will take to 2 new kittens. None at all.

Wow.
Just wow.
The issues of living with a severely disabled person are nuanced and intricate, both physically and emotionally.
And YOU are discomforted by a factual statement ? !

Not to mention that the OP already has a cat in her home, and previously had two.

It would be deal breaker for me if my partner flatly and unreasonably refused to let me get a cat or a dog. For some people - a lot of people - that animal companionship is as important as human companionship.

I don't know how you can say that a woman who is working, the only fully able-bodied parent to two kids, and also caring for her (angry) quadriplegic husband 'doesn't come out well' out of this situation. What does she have to do to 'come out well' - chop off her own limbs and donate them to her husband?

You cannot "know' your current cat will be fine with two new cats. It's much more likely that it will be stressed and upset at having two intruders in its territory.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation but it sounds as if your husband is being much more sensible than you here.

Get the cats. It sounds like you have no joy in your life only caring and work.
It's horrible for your dh being suddenly disabled and he's rightly angry but shouldn't be taking it out on you. As for your mum none of her business.

I disagree with the bulk of posters and think you should get the damn cat. Yes he has a say in his home but he doesn't get to rule the roost and make all the decisions, either. His objection to the cat is solely on financial terms, and the OP - the money earner - says that isn't a problem. Therefore there isn't an issue. If she wants a cat to cheer her up, because looking after a quadriplegic must be pretty bleak, then she should get a damn cat. She needs some joy in her life ffs.

OP You are a saint. But tell your Mum to get her beak out of your life, she's massively overstepping boundaries.

I feel so very uncomfortable with your
Comments “ DH gets put in his room”
I appreciate that your role is relentless, but no wonder he is unhappy,
Is it not possible to have a tv in his room and maybe watch a film together or something , in the evenings
it sounds as if he’s just a massive inconvenience to you ,
cats are a whole other thing
why Two

I think the pet issue and the issues are with your mum and husband are separate. I don't think it is reasonable to buy a cat without agreement with your husband agreement - I think it is a selfish. I also think wrong to buy pet to meet a void in your life. Animals shouldn't be used to meet human needs. That being said, your husband behaviour is inappropriate.

@FloydWasACat it sounds like your DH is angry at the world and the loss of control he’s experienced over his life and is taking that out on (in his eyes) ‘yet another thing’ that has been taken out of his hands.

that’s probably the reason, but it doesn’t make it reasonable. I imagine you feel like many things have been taken out of your hands too, but the carer is always thought of second.

i would absolutely get the cats. Mine bring me so much joy, they’re my replacement for my childhood teddy bear when I just need a little cry and a cuddle, and their upkeep is very minimal. Get them and take comfort in them - maybe try and explain that need to DH, if you think it will help, and I’d tell your mother to bugger off quite frankly, unless she would like to assume the carer role for a few weeks.

On one side if you're paying for it and doing all care, then I don't see an issue.

On the other hand, why are both so against getting more cats? Are you able to actually clean up them properly etc. A family member of mine was once in fierce denial about how disgusting her house had become as she couldn't look after the cat properly when it became poorly. Litter tray overflowing, cat started pooing everywhere, overridden with fleas, put off taking the poor cat to the vet.

I suppose can you actually afford it? If they are well cared for with insurance, annual checkups and vaccinations, and food, it does all add up

Ah OP it all sounds so hard on the two of you. Forget about your mum, she has no say, but deep breath and try to sort this calmly today.

Agree with others - pets and children need everyone to agree. If DH brought home a pet without discussing it with me I would be furious and it would quite possibly be a deal breaker.

You're doing everything and your DH would be unreasonable to criticise the way you do the laundry, for example. But he absolutely should have an equal say on things like pets, finances and indeed anything relating to the DC.

Being in bed every night from 9 (without any company?) must be miserable for him, he must feel he's lost control of his life.

Neither of you have covered yourselves in glory. Understandable when you're under so much stress.

One of my cats had FIP last year and the treatment cost me £4000. It’s just not true that cats aren’t expensive, any pet can be.

I made it very clear that if she died we wouldn’t be getting any more. It was non negotiable.

Exactly this.