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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell her the truth?

89 replies

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 05:21

I had a casual fling with a man for 2 years. We had a great time but for certain reasons, it was never serious.

Now he’s met the love of his life. Our paths cross a lot and she’s wonderful. I’m (genuinely) thrilled for him. I also have a lovely partner too and the four of us have been at the same gatherings a few times.

She’s just sent me a message saying that she had a feeling we’d had history, but he’d denied it, and to please tell her the truth. I had no idea he hadn’t told her previously. My partner knows everything about my dating history so I assumed it was the same for everyone.

I have no idea what to do. None. I really really like this lady. More than I like him, honestly. My instinct is towards female solidarity but I imagine that’ll cause mayhem between them.

Any advice would be so appreciated. My current idea is to leave the country and change my name.

OP posts:
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labamba007 · 01/02/2025 15:02

I would message back to say personally I would not care one jot if one of my husband's ex flings (who is now married) was nice to me because I'm not a fucking 14 year old who can't handle anyone other than myself being the centre of the fucking universe. I have the maturity to understand that people have had past relationships and they can remain friendly and for it to mean nothing. Enjoy being bat shit crazy.

Weepixie · 01/02/2025 14:26

It all sounds so blooming juvenile. Op, you don’t have to tell her anything. Just text back and tell her she’s being inappropriate and there’s no conversation to be had.

Puzzledpony · 01/02/2025 14:20

Some people just like drama in their lives, and she's clearly one of them. They don't really think or care about the consequences when they lash out.

I would assume that she's interrogated him, he felt uncomfortable so lied. She then tries to drag you into it, which is well out of order. She keeps nagging him, he tells her the truth, amd she lashes out at you. Not your circus. Just see her for what she is and move on.

Timetoheal4good · 01/02/2025 10:50

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 08:12

So I went back to sleep and woke up to a very angry message from her saying HE had since told her the truth, and basically accusing me of trying to befriend her under false pretences and stating she couldn’t be friendly to me going forward.

Her text was very accusatory and quite nasty, as if I’d been odd to be nice to her, knowing I’d secretly (????) dated her partner, implying her partner and I had been keeping it a secret from her together. I had no bloody idea she didn’t know.

I sent a polite text back (more polite than I should’ve been, really!) and will avoid her at future gatherings!

She is a crackpot!

You're well shot.

Timetoheal4good · 01/02/2025 10:48

Myotherusernamesafunnyone · 01/02/2025 07:31

This

Show quote history

This X 100

Tell her it was years ago

Devilgate · 01/02/2025 10:44

labamba007 · 01/02/2025 05:24

Personally I would tell her to speak to her partner. It is utterly bizarre behaviour to message someone asking if they have a history with your current partner.

Yes 100% this

BrightonFrock · 01/02/2025 10:43

Noliestold · 01/02/2025 08:12

So I went back to sleep and woke up to a very angry message from her saying HE had since told her the truth, and basically accusing me of trying to befriend her under false pretences and stating she couldn’t be friendly to me going forward.

Her text was very accusatory and quite nasty, as if I’d been odd to be nice to her, knowing I’d secretly (????) dated her partner, implying her partner and I had been keeping it a secret from her together. I had no bloody idea she didn’t know.

I sent a polite text back (more polite than I should’ve been, really!) and will avoid her at future gatherings!

She’s a crackpot. You’ve dodged a massive bullet there. Now at least you know what it would have been like if you’d become long-term friends!

Maybe he should have told her in the first place, but based on this reaction, you can perhaps see why he didn’t. Maybe he correctly predicted how she'd react.

Original poster
Noliestold · 01/02/2025 10:28

EmberAsh · 01/02/2025 09:54

I think you've all behaved a bit strangely. You said you had all spent time together as a foursome. I would have thought that during that time it would have naturally come up in conversation that you and he dated previously. The fact she picked up something enough to suspect you had history suggests that maybe there was a shared in-joke or a story that didn't make sense perhaps.

Nothing at all! We’ve been at the same parties etc but I’ve barely spoken to him, we’ve just said hi and bye. I’ve always chatted much more to her.

There is nothing she’d have spotted between us or heard us talk about that would give her any idea. We were very casual and there’s nothing but friendship.

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 01/02/2025 10:25

She wants to stay with him so she is blaming you for the relationship and for lying to her even though you have done absolutely nothing wrong. It was his responsibility to tell her and he denied it and denied it. It doesn't make sense to anyone else except her that you should be blamed now. I reckon your old boyfriend will accept you getting the blame because it means he's in the clear.

RomiStorm · 01/02/2025 10:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BeLilacSloth · 01/02/2025 10:04

Avoid them both from now on. They both seem unhinged.

SheridansPortSalut · 01/02/2025 10:00

I'd meet her for coffee and tell her everything.

I'm not a big fan of hiding things.
You did nothing wrong. You've nothing to hide.

How he chooses to handle his side of things is up to him. The fact that he's chosen an outright lie speaks volumes about him.

Edit... Just saw your update. Ah well. That's the end of that then.

EmberAsh · 01/02/2025 09:54

I think you've all behaved a bit strangely. You said you had all spent time together as a foursome. I would have thought that during that time it would have naturally come up in conversation that you and he dated previously. The fact she picked up something enough to suspect you had history suggests that maybe there was a shared in-joke or a story that didn't make sense perhaps.

PullTheBricksDown · 01/02/2025 09:52

Ah, what a pity it turned out that way. Not your fault though.

coolkatt · 01/02/2025 09:52

I would message her and say ur sorry, u expected fling man to have told u himself, u didn't feel it was your place, and your sorry he has not done this but yes there was a time, it was Fwb, and was done when u ere both single. Ur partner knows and u expected fling man to have told u. U hope this doesn't ruin the friendship that u value and take it from there.

GrumblingRose · 01/02/2025 09:50

I think she's jealous of you OP and thinks her fella still holds a candle for you . She has picked up on a vibe

I would contact him and get him to tell her . What if you told her and he then denied it as I think he has been doing .

YouDeserveBetterSoAskForIt · 01/02/2025 09:44

Edit: I didn't RTFT, sorry.

Loubylie · 01/02/2025 09:43

Sorry. Just saw your update. You don't deserve all their drama.

Loubylie · 01/02/2025 09:40

ZekeZeke · 01/02/2025 06:55

Your sexual history is none of her business but him lying about it is making it a bigger deal. There are obviously issues in their relationship. Not your problem.
Send him a copy of the message and tell him to deal with it as you don't want to be involved.

Edited

I agree with this approach.

notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 09:32

Elasticatedtrousers · 01/02/2025 09:05

I don't blame ypu AT ALL (you have done nothing wrong) but he has been duplicitous and omitted info for his own ends and I'd feel the same as her, I'd feel if been duped and led down a false path, although I'd direct my anger at him.

The trouble is ex sexual partners don't feel as 'safe' as long term friends (which you've clearly been painted as) so her whole sense of the friendship she had developed with you is off.

Exactly.

But he could have diffused that 'not safe' feeling by respectfully giving the heads up before or straight after you met her for the first time. That would have signalled to her that her feelings are paramount to him, that there is nothing to hide, and that she can trust him to he honest with her.

Instead, by first lying by ommision, and then lying out right, he has created the situation where she is now understandably upset and reevaluating the whole situation.

Goldbar · 01/02/2025 09:30

I know you've already sent a reply, OP, but I think I would have replied to her second message "Your relationship with X is nothing to do with me. Please don't drag me into it - any association we had is long over - and I consider the subject closed. Please don't contact me again on this topic otherwise I will regard it as unwarranted harassment."

crackfoxy · 01/02/2025 09:29

Such drama replies! Just ignore her. It's up to him what he wants to tell her!

GreyCarpet · 01/02/2025 09:20

notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 08:49

Agree with this. She's clearly completely out of line for directing her anger at you, but I do feel for her. Personally I think it is really poor form to introduce a new partner to someone you have a history with without letting the new partner know.. Absolutely no need to go into the details, but it just feels hugely disrespectful to me and I'm not surprised she's really upset. She thought she was getting to know you as a friend, and now she feels like a prize idiot for being the last to know that you are actually ex lovers.

I completely disagree with PPs who think that it is irrelevant and none of her business. The fact that you are in the same social circle means that hiding it from her was as best thoughtless and at worst decietful of the BF.

None of this was your fault though, you haven't done anything wrong.

Show quote history

Totally agree.

JustMyView13 · 01/02/2025 09:16

Surely this is friendship over with both of them.

From her point of view, he’s lied and so she’s probably paranoid (needlessly?) that there’s more to this than she’s been told (and possibly reality?)

He’s now been ‘honest’ but probably positioned it as a thing you had with him, rather than something between mutually consenting adults.

Of course she’s going to trust him, and he’s obviously comfortable with her sending you messages like this. I’d just printscreen the exchange, send it to him and say - clearly this is unacceptable to me, our friendship is and never will be any more. Only [x] seems confused on that point. Good luck & I wish you well for the future, but best for all if we go our separate ways from here.

Elasticatedtrousers · 01/02/2025 09:05

I don't blame ypu AT ALL (you have done nothing wrong) but he has been duplicitous and omitted info for his own ends and I'd feel the same as her, I'd feel if been duped and led down a false path, although I'd direct my anger at him.

The trouble is ex sexual partners don't feel as 'safe' as long term friends (which you've clearly been painted as) so her whole sense of the friendship she had developed with you is off.