Humiliated by mil

It sounds like your GF is on your side.

I would let her have it out with DM, and if things don't change, then reconsider the relationship. I wouldn't break it off just yet. But I also wouldn't be relocating right now either.

I wonder if the mother doesn't like that her daughter is gay, and is trying to get you to break up with her? Not that that would change the fact she's gay, but people do strange things sometimes.

Since it’s clear it was intended to be hurtful I think you’re right to be wary. Especially since your DP, though “angry” about how you were treated did not step-in in the moment and it would seem, no one else in the family was prepared to either.

I don’t know if breaking up is necessary, but I wouldn’t be moving away from your family/friends/support network to be with her near her family. Are there very big reasons why it’s you that’s intending moving rather than her?

I came to say this - please don’t leave your friends and family at this time. You’ll be leaving your support network. Can your partner can move to be with you?

This will be on ongoing problem with your girlfriend's mum. One day, she could be your children's grandmother. She clearly doesn't like you and looks down on you, and is happy to publicly humiliate you. Write her off.

You're not over-reacting to see this as a major future problem on the brew. You're being sensible and logical.

Definitely do not move in with her, these people will be your new support system in a new area and you'll be stuck with them.

You will have to discuss with your girlfriend ways forward, but set firm boundaries first: you will not be moving in with her, and you will cease contact with her family, though she can continue seeing them on her own. Those are your terms if she wants to continue the relationship, and she'll have to think through what that means for the future and her own goals.

Early in our relationship, my now MIL said a very hurtful unjustified thing about me to DP and he foolishly repeated it to me.

We had a serious chat and he understood that he needed to stand up to her for me, even though he never had for himself. That this was potentially a dealbreaker for me.

It worked, boundaries were set, we never had a repeat and we all get along great. That was 30 years ago.

Your DP has the opportunity to show you where you stand. I hope it works out well.

At least put off the move over there while you think about it more.

I married a man who had a difficult mother - well, to me (and then his father eventually showed his true colours further down the line). It was so awful and the marriage ended - for many reasons but these pair played a huge part. I moved for him, changed a lot of my life etc etc.

I naively thought it would be ok, that my ex would stick up for me, support me etc. He didn't.

Now I'm not saying your DP will be anything like my ex and I'm not trying to me-rail or frighten you however, please take some time to think: some PPs have said the when you marry the person you marry the family and it's true.

Do you have to move? Can you find somewhere in the middle?

This is you potentially moving away from any support and from your job, into what sounds like a hostile family group.
It rings alarm bells for me, as my first MIL didn't like me, and it showed more and more, despite her usual sweetly poisonous attitude towards me,
The rest of exH's weirdly clannish and closed family were also all horrible in varying degrees.
Leaving them behind was as much of a relief as leaving him.

I wouldn't move.

You need to be more assertive and less sensitive: “joke” back, “oh hark at big ears over here!” type thing with a swipe. She needs training not to do it again.

Trial not telling her anything personal and if quizzed say you’d rather chat about more interesting things. Redirect the chat, ask her questions.

You are talking about getting married.....remember that you will not just be married to her, but her whole family.

I had a difficult MIL and his family weren't that nice, overall. I don't think I'd marry again if the family wasn't nice and I didn't have a fair bit in common with them. Who needs the stress.

Are you going to be moving to where DP currently lives? And if so, is her family there too?

Do you get on well with your family?

If the above are all answered yes, then I'd ask your DP to move to you instead.

Your girlfriend's mum doesn't like you. You may have thought she did, as I did with mine, but this stunt shows you she doesn't. I relocated to be with my boyfriend, near his family, then his mother could no longer contain herself, and although she'd spent 2.5yrs pretending to like me, she then declared she couldn't stand me. It was awful. I'd changed jobs and everything to move there. I wish I hadn't!! It did NOT end well!

You can't change the mother. You can't change how your partner reacts. You need to think about what you can do.
You can say to your partner, "that was upsetting, humiliating, and your reaction was hurtful. How are we going to deal with it?"
You can decide to continue the relationship but not see her mother or visit the family house; your relationship with your partner doesn't have to involve her Mum. You can decide that whatever your partner says in reply to the above is acceptable / not acceptable, and go with that. Or you can end the relationship.
Yes, it sounds horrible, and of course you shouldn't be treated like that. But you can't alter that.

Halt your plans to move away from your own family to this family until this all gets sorted.
Your gf isn’t taking it anywhere near seriously enough and that is a real issue for your future happiness.
She should make it clear to her mum that what she did wasn’t acceptable.
You need a sincere apology from each of them and evidence that they have changed their ways before even thinking of living together.
Continue to stand up for yourself OP.
Don’t allow yourself to drift into a bad situation.

One thing that strikes me is that she should butt out of commenting on your lifestyle. You say it could be better - but that's for you and maybe DP to think about. It's nothing to do with MIL. What else does she put her oar in over?

You could, it's up to you OP. Obviously you were very upset, and not just by the comments, but the fact that it wasn't challenged by your partner. You could say you won't go to the house again, or spend time with her parents, she can, you aren't going.
But this isn't really a "MIL". You've only been together a year, you don't live together, there's no need for you to see your girlfriend's mother at all.

I think I’d end the relationship - at the moment it’s only been 12 months, I wouldn’t want to waste years only to end the relationship when you realise that this is the family dynamic, this is who MIL is and everyone just tiptoes around her and lets her get away with it. I don’t put myself in situations where I will be treated poorly, which means I wouldn’t be seeing MIL for future family get togethers…and if I knew that, then I’d also know that there’s no future in this relationship.

If you do decide to give this relationship more time, please don’t move away from your family, friends and job for this person - I think this move is hugely risky and disadvantageous for you.

Without knowing what was said, I did wonder if you were being oversensitive and it was innocent teasing. If you objectively believe it was outright b**y mocking when she doesn't know you that well and you're sitting right there, then she and the rest of the family are horrible and rude. In the latter case either you should agree with your DP that her family's horrible and you don't have to have contact with them in the future or you should break up with your DP now and avoid years of dealing with a horrible extended family.

Your girlfriends Dad seems lovely and obviously knows exactly what mil is like! I wouldn’t break up with someone over this as it sounds like you have a brilliant relationship and you wouldn’t want to throw it away over one comment.
Maybe you need to talk to your DP about boundaries with mil and she needs to talk to her if she upsets you and I woilfn’t be sharing too much about you to mil in future.

It's impossible to advise not knowing what was said, and I understand why you may not want to divulge that.

Your DP is not their family but you need to bear in mind the extent that family members will have in your life.

Your DP should have your back though.