Humiliated by mil

Why try to minimise clearly bullying behaviour by using a slightly different word?

The OP was made fun of.

I'd want to see some evidence that DP is prepared to have my back before I committed to a move and leaving my job. This shouldn't be just a "oh mum, that was uncalled for" conversation. She should be firmly challenging her mum and telling her outright that her behaviour was disgusting and will not be accepted going forwards. Together you need a joined up plan on how you'd deal with a future situation, whether that be an immediate challenge, or getting up together quietly and leaving, or whatever.

Sounds as though you're planning to move to where they all live, so this woman is going to be in your lives a lot. If they're a close family your DP will probably want to spend a lot of time with them, so make sure she can stand up to her mum and enforce boundaries before the move takes place.

You've only been together a year, you're not married and don't even live together so she's not your mother in law she's your girlfriend's mum. You don't have to put up with this so get away from them. They sound horrible.

this is a cue to have a proper chat with your gf about your future plans, and talk about how this recent incident has left you feeling. if she didn't feel able to back you up at the time (even if she and her dad have both expressed some kind of sympathy or understanding since) that's indicative of what's likely to happen next time this unpleasant woman acts in this way.

in terms of self-preservation, i think it'd be wise to rethink the idea of moving away from all of yr friends and family in order to be nearer to hers. why doesn't yr gf move to your area? or why don't you both move to a third, more 'neutral' location?

if you do decide to move closer to, and/or spend more time with her 'close' family, i think that both of you should have a serious chat with this woman first, and explain that her behaviour has been unacceptably rude/ mean, and if it happens again will be responded to differently.

your gf needs to demonstrate that she has your back/ that the two of you will function as a team to assert some boundaries.

if this woman refuses to change, you will both be forced to go low-no contact with her.

if your gf refuses to support you, don't make her mother your MIL (which only happens if you get married or civil-partnered by the way)

I would have left on the spot without your partner since he said nothing to stand up for you.

Get out of this relationship. And she is not your MIL - you are not married. Can you imagine, what liberties she will take if you are married? Also, this attitude does not spring from nothing - she picks it up from your 'partner'. He did not stick up for you - and even before not sticking up for you, he did not make his mum aware that 'this is the best woman in the world, I am so desperate to keep her, for her not to leave, please help me make sure she feels the best she can around us' - do you think for one minute Mrs Middleton cracked jokes like that at the expense of the prince when they were trying to 'bring him into the fold'? Get out whilst you can and find somebody who would appreciate you. This woman is vulgar, poorly brought up - you don't show familiarity to strangers like that.

She clearly doesn't think you're good enough for her daughter. I'd be interested to hear more about your "lifestyle choices".

So you both just sat there in silence while she mocked you over a prolonged period? That's pretty odd.

If he was lovely he would have said something. As with many men in these relationships he lets her get away with it. Can just imagine the "oh you know Julie, she's just like that, don't take any offence". So op partner won't say anything and he won't either every single time she does it, and she has done it once and no one has pulled her up so she will feel she has carte blanche to go for you. It's normal to them.

The irony of getting it so completely wrong!! Love it!

For what it's worth my kids' partners call me MIL.

They sound quite enmeshed. People asking you if you're OK afterwards but laughing along and am I reading it right that you were expected to go to funerals early in the relationship?!

I would delay moving at the very least. A year in people are still on best behaviour, I would sort this out properly before moving.

Why not raise it directly with the MIL? Tell her you were upset and felt humiliated. Her reaction will be telling. If she’s dismissive or defensive, I wouldn’t be willingly spending much time in her company.

You don't live together, you live 2 hours apart, you've been together 1 year. Yes you are being unreasonable by calling this woman your mother in law.

Please don’t relocate or even consider it atm. It is very soon to make such a change even if this hadn’t happened. Put your feelings and wellbeing first. Once you move you will less able to deal with a situation like this as you won’t have the options you have now. I’m sorry this happened to you - allow yourself whatever feelings arise then determine how to handle this with your partner.

Never discuss anything with her again, cool politeness only. You know now you can’t confide in her, it will be used against you. I’d be tempted to ask her directly why she did it? Do you feel able to do that? See how she reacts. I don’t think I’d end the relationship just yet but I would certainly be putting long term plans on hold.

She obviously didn’t perceive it to be good natured teasing - and neither did anyone else from what was written, especially the dad who checked if she was ok.

They were happily going along with sneering and judging some anonymous person then the big punchline was, it was actually OP.

By the way, it’s there’s nothing good natured about bullying someone for being vegetarian or vegan (though there’s nothing in the post to suggest this was OPs issue)

And it’s for the unwilling butt of jokes to decide what is the line between teasing and bullying.

I'm guessing this is about you being a vegetarian or vegan, based on what you've said. In my family, this would be seen as good-natured teasing.

Without more detail it's hard to know if you're being oversenditive or not. From the two clues you've given "another part of the country" and "lifestyle choices" they could be northern and mocking you for wearing a coat outside like a soft southerner.

You do not have to accept ‘that’s just the way she is’, it’s a terrible response. It made you feel like shit, and that’s just the way you are, along with most other people who would feel the same, so what does your dp plan to do about that? ‘I can’t move to near you and see your mum more, she makes me feel like absolute shit and you just want to me go along with that which makes me feel even worse.’

My MIL is like this. She loves to put someone else down to make herself feel better or get a laugh. I put up with it for my husband's sake.

How you going to feel when this woman stands up and embarrasses you at your wedding or other significant event and your girlfriend lets her to do ?

nah don’t be moving in just yet , don’t let go of your independence

@DustyD do you think your mil might be a bit homophobic? perhaps she is accepting of her daughter relationship on the surface only but deep down she does not approve of it and is taking it out on you.

Can’t your partner move near you instead? Sounds like trouble ahead.

If this is what your Mil is like now she will get worse and no one will stand up to her and she knows it. Your gf will have a word with her but it won’t change anything because your Mil rules the roost. Don’t move away from your family and support because she will tear you in strips until you’re eradicated and you admit defeat.

Don’t move away from your own family to be with someone who doesn’t have your back.
Your dp said ‘What can I do.’
She could have said
We’re leaving, come on Dusty, you don’t have to sit through this.
And you could have left.

Your dp may be angry with her dm but her dm felt comfortable enough to do this because she knows nothing will change with dd’s and her relationship.
I’m a mil, this behaviour would get me into big trouble with my dc, quite rightly.

You’ve only been together one year, slow everything down.