Humiliated by mil

I wonder if mil thought it was teasing but just went too far. What happens now is whether she tones it down after dp speaks to her (and I assumed fil will too?)

Make it clear to dp that this could be a deal breaker and that she changes her mothers behaviour or you won’t be involved in family gatherings, as it’s unacceptable. Don’t move until things get better. You need to set boundaries now if this relationship is going to work.

“Very close family” to me screams a toxic group of people led my either the Mother or Father who do not understand boundaries. Families like this seem to be enmeshed in their own world full of dramas and tears. Run away OP.

Having read your post about your lifestyle choices, I agree that it was humiliating. It was either thoughtless at best, or deliberate at worst. Honestly, you've only been with your gf for a year. So yes, it it's going to cause problems, walk away now.

Dp family comes as a package deal, ( very close family)

This is a red flag to me. It's a sign your partner will never put you first or challenge the family status quo. Unless you are prepared to be subsumed into their family and not have a voice, you will always be the outsider and expected to do things their way. Take this incident as a sign of what the future could hold.

Like others have said DO NOT move to her town and give up your life., leaving you lonely and vulnerable without support of friends close by. Leave things as they are and see how it pans out over time (you are rushing tings- why?), or suggest you both move somewhere new together and limit contact with her family.

I'm betting she'll say no to a fresh start as she is too entwined with her family to imagine being separate from them physically or emotionally. Whereas it's a normal part of developing as an adult to become an independent person in your right and as you form your own relationships outside of the family unit. Your partner can't do that yet (and may never be able to).

This woman sounds toxic. See her as little as possible!

Grey Rock this woman in future . Tell her nothing . The fact that this woman's husband checked with you later that you were ok shows her behaviour was unacceptable.

Your Girlfriend needs to have your back and you need to present a united front as you will become more and more resentful if your Girlfriend doesn't .

I think before you move in you need a cards on the table discussion where you both lay down your expectations.

You don't know anyone properly until you have lived with them , so form a backup plan / fund too before you move in .

DH and I were in a LDR. He was keen to live together but there was no way I was moving to where he lived. We both moved to a third area.

OP, by moving to where she is you’re moving to her world. Her family. Her life. And giving up a big part of yours. If this is how her family behave, you’re going to have to learn to love it, because they won’t change, she won’t defend you and when it goes tits up, you’re going to be the one on your own while she carries on.

They’ve shown you who they are. Don’t ignore it.

She must be able to work elsewhere. There are almost no jobs that are completely tied to one town.

Echoing other PP’s, you need to calm down with the moving your entire life to be with your girlfriend. It’s only been a year.

IME this is quite typical ‘fast’ behaviour seen in lesbian relationships, where everything moves really quickly into serious / living together after 5 mins territory.

This woman is not your MIL, you are not married and not (yet!) living together. Given the long distance, you don’t actually know your girlfriend or her family as well as you think you do.

This situation has disaster written all over it..

My MIL is vile but my DP is amazing, it’s not your partners fault, discuss with them. Also I would just be thinking up yours to them!!! Don’t let her make you feel bad or throw away something positive. I had a lot of digs from DPs friends and family about being a smoking northerner but we do live 250 miles away from them so I know I would feel differently if we lived closer. If you’re so happy though dont throw it away. Me and my partner were very long distance, 250 miles but we decided to both move somewhere new together. We now have a baby, house and dog and are super happy, and only have to see MIL every few months.

My tactic with a mocking mother was to get up and go to the loo , if it was at a party just walk off . That would have broken her momentum.

At this point in your relationship I would not be giving up my home, job and life for someone I had only known for a year, whose family treat me poorly and that my girlfriend allowed that to happen. Put the brakes on a bit and carry on as you are. I’d also be saying that in the future, if my girlfriend was not openly supportive in these type of situations then we would be over. She needs to prove herself as it won’t get any better.

Honestly, you need to ask yourself if your DP really is as supportive as you believe. She allowed you to be humiliated like that. Let that sink in. It might be her mum, but her mum is an adult who chooses to behave the way she does. Your dp is an adult who chose to allow this behaviour to continue - and you were TOLD by everyone else that you were to continue to tolerate it. “It’s just how she is” does not make it okay.

"We both feel that we are in a serious committed relationship with marriage down the line as we are both very happy but obviously I'm worried about resentment towards my Dp as this is just "that's the way dm is" and to just accept it's who she is".

This is a Big Red Flag right there regardless of the sex of the partner. She's grown up with her mother and regards her actions as normal. You will remain the outsider here who is not fully accepted. Your partner has fear, obligation and guilt re her mother in spades. Her inertia too when it comes to her mother hurts her as well as you.

I would urge you most strongly to put the brakes on and not either give up your current job or to move in with her.

So your girlfriend’s mother was saying all people from your area are known for smoking and eating fast food? After you had earlier told her you smoked (but presumably she knew anyway) and ate takeaways?

This is sounding weirder and weirder.

Do you mind me asking how old you are, OP? I’m not sure you sound mature enough to contemplate marrying and moving away from your home place.

I'd expect GF to make it very clear to her mum that her comments were hurtful and she owes an apology. And a repeat of the mocking would result in lower contact.

And I'd put off the moving in together. You're putting your whole life on the line, and you need to take more time to get to know GF and her family before making such a huge move.

A year isn't a long time in a relationship. Being long distance makes it even trickier. I strongly urge you to slow down.

100% this...

She’s not your mil she’s your one year partner’s mother. That means you have a choice whether you want this woman in your life permanently or not.

I would not be moving two hours away from my friends and own family to isolate myself with a family who don’t support me no.

But also if I’m honest you sound a bit intense and ?immature. You are fast forwarding the relationship in your language (she isn’t your MIL) and your actions (going to so many family events early on) So I’m wondering how it was actually meant and what the full context was vs your perception.

Maybe just hold fire a bit and stop spending so much time with this family. And build up your own life and confidence first.

I’m a total southerner, but a friend from Yorkshire introduced me to gravy on my chips.

Never looked back!

You have a few options: don’t disclose anything further to her that you would not want shared or turned into a ‘joke’. That’s liable to make social contact a bit of a strain at times as we usually like to discuss our lives with people we see as close to us. Or, have a private conversation with her in which you tell her clearly and calmly that you were troubled that she not only shared a confidence but made it a cause to mock you. You then tell her you didn’t find it funny and you don’t want it to happen again. Those are your boundaries. Her reaction will be informative one way or another. You can then just tell her that option one will be invoked if she ever does anything like that again ie you won’t be telling her anything further about yourself if she can’t be trusted. Or….wild card….make up the most oddball ‘facts’ you like and wait for them to emerge in group conversation before looking baffled and saying ‘MIL, you’re confusing me with someone else.’ Or otherwise treating her as if she’s lost the plot. I’d always favour directness but if all else fails and you want the partnership preserved, gain a reputation with MIL for telling massive tall tales (preferably ones you can then publicly debunk or laugh at her for being so gullible).

Come on OP, we cannot possibly comment on whether your Gfs DM was being rude or not because we don't know what she said! If she was teasing you about having gravy on your chips (a very Northern thing) then not so much!

By lifestyle choices do you mean vegetarianism? Or drugs?

I’d put off moving in together tbh, don’t need to end the relationship but don’t move away from your family/friends just yet… give it another year