Humiliated by mil

It's a red flag for your girlfriend as well as her family lm afraid. My ex husband wouldn't stand up for me against his mother, it's not the only reason we are divorced but it's one of the biggest!

Really? Her partner didn’t speak up or seek to deflect the comments
Partner dad had to check in that dusty was ok. He clearly got the vibe
This is so much more than teasing about a takeaway. It’s not good natured and the girlfriend doesn’t seem to have Dusty back
The comments were quite literally her behaviour and personality …oh look at her eating her shop bought takeaway and smoking whilst us sporty types look on aghast

It doesn't sound that bad, I thought you meant it was something to do with your sexuality or relationship or personality or something.

If they want to feel superior because they don't have a weekend takeaway then leave them to their miserable kale, it's clearly not making them happy.

Whatever the full content of the mocking (although I can see you have tried to add some details) it was bad enough that separately your dp was angry about it and her husband (dp dad) asked if you were ok after witnessing the behaviour from the mother.

that says to me it was actually worse than even what you are trying to convey in this thread.

I know you like/love her but my feeling is it’s only been a year and if it was me in this situation I think I’d take the hit of heartbreak and pull out now because life is long, there is plenty of time to find someone else but it’s too short to have this forever but
if you decide to stay with your partner then my suggestion is when or if you move in together that she is the one that moves to you and not the other way round. If you set up a life with this person near that family this incident is the taste of what life will be like and I don’t know about you but no way would that be a life I would choose.

You can think it will be different but the truth is both of them acknowledged to you in private but actually did nothing about it so that shows you the picture of the dynamics of this family. It will be like this forever and once/if children come along it will be them against you.

goodluck @DustyD

YANBU. Get out.

You need to confront her face to face, tell her you’re shocked and upset by her behaviour and ask why she did that and what she was getting out of it. Really call her out and make her answer. If you can’t do this, she’ll mark you down as an easy target that doesn’t retaliate and you’ll get more of it.

I'm worried about resentment towards my Dp as this is just "that's the way dm is" and to just accept it's who she is

Very wise of you to be rethinking the proposal, OP; as so often this sounds more like a partner problem than one with their mum

I also don't want to feel resentment towards my Dp as I know she lets mil get away with a lot Kaboom! There’s your long term problem

Her mum will always be queen and you’re just the girlfriend

For it to work and you both be equal the girlfriend needs to not tolerate or ignore or let her mum get away with mean and undermining comments

Frankly, I think it’s all a big bit fucked unless your partner starts to push back and stand up to her mum. I mean if it’s like this a year in, unlikely to change. You’re the one making all the sacrifices and giving stuff up

Dont propose yet, Have a frank discussion, challenge why does she let her mum get away with stuff and by stuff you mean being unkind and belittling you

Another who thinks you're rushing everything. It's your girlfriend of a year, all the time with her family seems unnecessary. And the fact you have decided propose this year doesn't make her mum your MIL.

Has your girlfriend spent equal time in your world, with your friends and family, or has it been you going to her all the time? What effort has she been making and does she fit in with your network and interests?

If you move, would you still be going back to see friends and family, or would it just be the expected thing that you spend all your time with her family?

You risk losing such a lot. You are making all the effort and you may still always feeling like the odd one out.

This woman, who you call your mother in law, is devious, nasty and probably a racist. To speak about you like that, and within your hearing, may well be slanderous in the law.

If your girlfriend didn't support you or challenge her vile mother, I suggest you get out of the relationship. It may be tough but will be for the best in the long term. Good luck :-)

Ok, I recommend continue dating but don’t get married yet.
The mum clearly doesn’t like you or sees you as an easy target and so she’s cruel to you
Of note, your partner didn’t intervene, didn’t interject to deflect and take the heat off you. I know this is uncomfortable, but does she have your back? Or is she prioritising her family or is she minimising it (it was a joke etc)

I think it’s all a bit intense and fast - why do you have to relocate? Is there is a mid point location yiu both move to and rent?

If your DP doesn't have your back now then it's not an equal partnership and it's not working. Find someone else who is proud of you, loves and supports you, and throw this one back.

So they all have a similar lifestyle & they poke fun at someone who doesn't?

Can't think why you'd consider moving near them at all.

My worry would be that after time your partner begins to agree/see their pov.

You were hurt you felt humiliated. Your DP needs to tell this woman quite clearly that she was out of line. And there must be a genuine apology. To say this is just the way she is is pathetic.

I am a sensitive person but my Dp who didn't stick up for me when I said I don't like this, she said what can I do?

There would have been no need to make a scene your DP could and should have spoken up there and then, even if to say the old adage, 'if you have nothing nice to say'....

I just don't know if I would want to go through the "critical and harshness" that I know mil can show and her different views
I also don't want to feel resentment towards my Dp as I know she lets mil get away with a lot

The dating years of a relationship are exactly the times that will define what your relationship will be like going forward, red flags and such...you're already questioning it therefore you'll either have to tell your DP mother to keep her criticism to herself, tell DP that you'll never be in her DM's company again or resign yourself to your DP's mother being critical of you, at least your in control of that right now.

I just want reassurance that I'm not being ott even know my feelings have been hurt a lot and I am just completely humiliated.

MNers can give you all the reassurance you ask for but it's never going to solve, or stop the criticism, quite frankly the woman sounds awful and I'll never understand why anyone feels they have to belittle anyone, more so in such a public way.

No it was definitely mocking, Dp was very angry afterwards and said it was uncalled for and she shouldn't have done it.

Yet she never says anything to her DM, you're not the one she should be telling "she shouldn't have done it" to, you already know that....she need to say those words to her DM.

Yet despite you saying.

our relationship has moved quickly cause we have to put extra work in to make it work.

Yet its not working is it?
You have a DP that doesn't speak up about your feelings in how badly her DM treats you, why is this, incase she upsets her DM.

That's not really the foundations of a good relationship let alone a marriage.
But at least you'll be going in with your eyes open if you choose to proceed.

Your dp is a coward who will always put her nasty mum over you. Do NOT leave your job and home and family to move two hours away to her.

What happens if you have kids? She will say you can never move back to your family if you split.

Ignoring the nasty comments from the MIL for a moment, I’d be far more concerned that your DP didn’t intervene and ask her to stop.

If your partner won’t stand up to their own mum, you’ve potentially got a lifetime of your partner minimising other people’s unpleasantness.

This is a deal breaker. If you can’t count on their support, then it’s not the basis for a long lasting happy relationship.

I am thinking she was making fun of you to break you because you have 'taken' her daughter. Well, you could have spoken up, too, saying something like 'Go on, all that's missing is my name...'. I would have./ Always call people's bluffs, so they'll know not to mess with you next time. Your girlfriend will speak to her ma privately - but the ma made the joke in public. It does not sit well with me.

As others have said, this lady is not your MIL. It’s rather rude and disrespectful towards her for you to continue to call her that. It doesn’t matter what your future intentions are, where you’re at currently etc., this lady is your ‘potential future MIL’. You do not have a MIL.

Why have you then referred to your DPs Dad as ‘girlfriends father’. By your mindset wouldn’t it be FIL? I think you have pulled yourself into an illusion of ‘MIL drama’, which you do not have. Now is a good time for you to seriously consider if you and your relationship can manage a lifetime of incidents such as this, being mindful that you may unintentionally cause a spilt between your partner and her mother.

This. If your GF is so worried about you having enough then she needs to step up. She tells her mum not to mock or disrespect her partner in future or she will be cutting down on how often you both see her. Do not move or marry someone who doesn't stand up for you, raise your bar.

I don't agree that she sounds immature. Spending time with the in-laws all the time one year in would not be for me, but I understand that some families are different. If her gf has a close family she may need to spend time with them and the funeral thing couldn't actually be postponed, could it?

Depends doesn't it. Could be harmless teasing or she could be making out she's less sophisticated than the others. We'd need a video tape!
But it is annoying that OP won't say what it was about.

I doubt it. Bullies are quite equal opportunity. Anyone they perceive as weak is fair game.

@DustyD

i know that single sex relationships (women) move at the speed of light, go from hiya, to moving In within nanoseconds, but the consequences of this are exactly where you are atm.

You ARE rethinking the whole relationship because you absolutely should be.

I don’t know if you have had any experience in heterosexual relationships but the advice IS relevant for both.

You DONT know this woman. She doesn’t know you either. You’re not partners, you’re girlfriends, this phase of your relationship is the EARLY days of seeing if you’re compatible for the long haul.

i learned (the hard way) that until you’ve got past a year, it’s not really even that big a deal. That it can end if it needs to without any issues at all

i think you need to end this now, because you’re not willing to put up with this potential in-law situation knowing that your gf won’t step up for you.

your gut is telling you to do this. Never ignore that.

life is hard enough in any relationship, harder in a same sex relationship and you need the whole family to be happy and supportive of you.

Living together is completely different to a long distance relationship.

Don't rush this. Move in. See how boundaries lie with her family.

If you have a life time together to look forward to, there is no rush to get married.