Humiliated by mil

My sil is like this. She and my dh call it teasing,but I’m hurt and upset by the comments.In my opinion it is mocking. She doesn’t do it to my dh.it has always been this way with her.I try to avoid her if possible.

I genuinely don't understand the "didn't want to make a scene".. Why not? Can someone explain why the bully of the group is allowed to make a scene or person feel bad? But being assertive and standing up for yourself/partner is wrong?

Actually baffles me!! Your partner should have said something. You don't mock a person for your own entertainment, I would not be around these people. It seems your dp has accepted their parent for who they are and other people just need to put up with it. Not a chance would I put up with it or allow anyone to mock my partner

That would be it for me I'm afraid. Dump her.
Tell her you expect her to stand up for you and not allow her bitch mother to insult you. I'd also mention about the proposal plan but now you don't want to be with her at all. Maybe she'll learn and do better for her next partner because no self respecting woman is going to accept that.

@DustyD

There is NO way I'd move away from my family & job to be in a toxic environment where I have no support network & my spineless partner clearly doesn't have my back. Why would you subject yourself to a future like that? If your partner won't defend you now, in the early days of your relationship, it will only get worse.

Really good advice from the possibility OP …

In the early days of my relationship with my DH, my MIL massively stepped out of line with me while in my home.
I kept my mouth shut but l later told DH that I had kept quiet for his benefit but going further I would not be entertaining MIL in my home and if DH was present while she was acting in this way towards me and he did nothing then we would be in trouble.
Me having boundaries in turn inspired him to create some of his own and many years later we have a close, respectful relationship with MIL.
So I wouldn't immediately break up with my DP but I would be demanding some changes be made so this doesn't happen again.

It's one thing to not agree with your choices, but quite another to mock you.

If it was banter then they should have realised you weren't enjoying it and stopped.

Sometimes people go with the crowd as they don't want to be the next target, so better to laught with your gf's mum even if they don't agree.

Problem with such people is they will never stick up for you.

They don't respect you and seems all afraid of the mum.

Your gf didn't like it either but still didn't stick up for you, that says a lot OP.

Why do you want to marry into a family that doesn't respect you and have no problem mocking you?

You haven't been as welcomed in as you think. Sorry it may hurt, but better to make I formed decisions than to go in blindly.

They've shown you who they are.... don't expect them to change.

I would leave. Your girlfriend didn’t stand up for you and that really shows how the future dynamic would be. You would be leaving in her area, seeing the MIL regularly (is she interfering type that would have a key?.) Would you like to have children? Imagine the constant criticism and belittling for years. With a partner that won’t stand up to her. Nope. Value yourself and leave. I would make it very clear to her the reasons why as well.

Nope i would stay where you are for now and see further down the line this seems like its going to turn toxic with mil and will cause problems for you and gf and don't move or give up your job yet

I can’t believe some posters have advised you to leave your gf !!!!!

Your mil needs a serious talking to from her daughter & husband..
You mentioned he wasn’t happy about it either ..
I’d say to your gf , I’m not going to be going around to your mothers if she is going to act like an arse ..
x

If you are going to be expected to spend a lot of time in the company of these people, OP, then regardless of your DP's stance, I would be kind to yourself and prioritise your happiness by ending the relationship. Otherwise you'll be posting on here frequently about miserable family meet-ups and ruined occasions.

Run, don't walk! She is a grade A bitch and He is a pathetic, selfish coward!!

Tough one. My MIL is a wicked, nasty woman. I cut contact but I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t still cause problems. I resent my partner so much for never defending it protecting me. However we are now almost 9 years and 2 kids in. Had I known how she was going to make me feel I probably would have left early doors to be honest. Maybe treat this as a one off, see if she speaks to her mum and see the outcome. Any recurring behaviours I’d be out.

I would be very wary about giving up your own family/friendship circles never mind home and job in this situation. If you don’t like her family and they don’t like you it will be very isolating not to mention distressing as you have discovered.

before you do this I suggest your partner should move to be with you that way if it doesn’t work out you have not given anything up. You also need distance from her family.

I wasn’t close to my PIL but we always had geographic distance but I do look back and wish I had in-laws I was closer to relationship wise.

This happened to me with DH sister, with whom he is very close. She had been belittling me to their family for a while and I ran out of patience at one family event and snapped back. She went NC with us, created a huge drama within their family circle and this caused my DP great sadness. He agreed she was completely out of line and asked her to apologise, but she refused.
If DH had not created an environment that enabled his sister's behaviour, this incident would never have occurred.
You are absolutely doing the right thing questioning your relationship.
It sounds like your DP and the whole family have been enabling your MILs mean behaviour. I would never behave the way she has behaved and the fact that their family (except your DP) all seem to think it's ok says a lot about them. You really don't want to be part of this family circle for the sake of your own well-being. Have they even recognised her behaviour was mean and hurtful?

@DustyD - huge apologies in advance if already been asked/answered/ mentioned as I’m going to read properly when back

But do you sense that your future MIL is ‘set in her ways’ and she’s mocking as a self projection almost as she’s got some backward screwed ‘feelings’ / ‘old fashioned’ / ‘narrow mindedness’ / ‘small town mentality- you catch my drift … with SS relationships?

Only I don’t want to ask you to say what her mean ‘joke’ was about as you’d have said in upthread by now so I’d never be so rude to ask so can only go by sheer guess work and I’m thinking is she doing a ‘self projection’ twisted thing (?) have you ever picked up any signs from your OH in the past about her DM? Like is she a warm open minded kind of mum normally or is she always aloof and rude? if the latter then it sounds like it’s a ‘her problem’ and NOTHING actually to do with you or your Oh her own DD! She definitely sounds like she has issues and she is old enough to clearly know better and to learn some manners

Next time she tries such a thing on you
please wait for her to finish and wait for a second of silence so everyone will hear you loud and clear and say ‘Sorry Gertrude ! I didn’t quite get that /hear that! Could you kindly REPEAT what you just said i’d hate to miss out on such a FUNNY joke!

to put (a potential bully) on the spot like this completely throws them as you’ve parked that tank straight back into her lawn and she will NOT be expecting that!

Then I guarantee you she won’t repeat the mean comment/s in the same snarky tone she’ll almost go sheepish and quiet and nearly trip over her words and then everyone will just look down and then you say ‘oh I’m glad it wasn’t funny! would hate to have missed out on one of your funny old jokes Gertrude!’

Nd then give her. big smile. Kill her with KINDNESS & SARCASM. She’ll hate it. Always be crystal clear and polite and smiley but assertive

Try not to let it come between you and your lovely OH .. she may too have had years of dealing with her mum and she’s too polite and loyal to have explained this to you yet or maybe it could be her ‘normal’ which over time she’ll realise it’s not ok

Talk to your Dp and try to not let her get to you. If she was a genuine kind and happy lady she’d NEVER be rude to her daughter’s partner! So try and almost pity her

Good luck OP and remember your WORTH x

You are not being unreasonable and don't worry, I'm sure you haven't overreacted or been too sensitive. Sadly, some families are just like this.

My now husband noticed very early on that my family (especially my mother!) were like that. They're the type of people that will say you "can't take a joke" or are "miserable" it's gaslighting at its finest and is unacceptable. I was too scared to stand up to them back then. It took me until I was aged 40 to finally say "No" to my mother. She didn't like it and immediately went into attack mode, blaming my husband for it all but lacked the ability to take any responsibility for her own actions.

We're now no contact with my mother.... and I'm still happily married!

My advice would be not blame your partner for it, they could have been too scared to speak up in the moment. (I'm very grateful my husband could see I was different to them and supported me). The deal breaker for me would be how your partner supports you going forward.

Another vote for get out.

”what can I do?” Show you very clearly where your DP loyalties lies. You can’t say that it is out of order and not defend your partner attacked.

Your DP has work to do before being in any relationship.

Good luck op 🌺

pertinent well observed points

Putting your MIL to one side for a moment, having a sporty partner when you are not sporty yourself can be quite lonely.

MN is full of unhappy and disappointed golf widows who expected their partner to change after marriage or after the arrival of DC. Ditto football widows, gym widows, triathlon widows, marathon/ultra runner widows, rugby widows etc.

Heavy training schedules, fixtures and the social side of belonging to a team or club can eat into evenings, weekends and finances causing resentment.

I don’t want to put you off moving in, but it isn’t something I would underestimate when choosing a partner, particularly if you plan to have children.

So what did she say about smoking and eating crap food then?

Your MIL is a piece of work, @DustyD and I wouldn't go anywhere near her again. I'm afraid I don't buy all the posters saying that if your partner had stuck up for you, it would have made it more obvious it was you. It was obvious it was you. I think it's a red flag that your partner didn't tell her mum to STFU there and then. Do you think she struggles to stand up to her in general? If you think it's out of character for your partner, then tell her how disappointed you are and talk to her about future expectations. If you think this is how she is, you should consider ending the relationship.

So were they making fun of the fact you smoke and occasionally have take away?

I mean theres nothing wrong with take away at the weekend. Is this possibly you felt they were insulting your weight? Or were you taking something from it because it's something you feel self conscious about.

This is a hard one cause without knowing them, it could be you are being sensitive and that's just the way this family is. I dont know how they can make fun of smoking but tbf it's a pretty disgusting dangerous habit and whilst I wouldnt actually make fun of you I would judge. I'd wonder why someone is doing something so damaging to their body by choice.

Could it be your partner was annoyed but also thinks you might just be being a bit sensitive- your feelings are 100% valid btw I'm just saying that some families are much more open about stuff like this.

I could understand if she’s on a wind up about your smoking, particularly if your gf’s family is sporty, but sitting taking her being rude is foolish, as is your gf for not immediately putting a stop to it. Do you really want this woman in your life on a permanent basis? I think a year is a bit quick to decide you’re moving areas.

Why so fast paced? Couldn’t you slow down on the proposal. If you stay together you really need to give this relationship more time before making such life changing decisions as a proposal. The relationship already has issues that need sorting.