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Original poster

Taking away DD's phone.

34 replies

coolkatt · 31/01/2025 20:04

Can you all tell me what to do regarding my DD (soon to be 13).

Against my better judgement we got her an iPhone for Xmas. She already had my old one and was able to work it, looked after it reasonable well.
She was not allowed sm apps. Snapchat, insta, fb. (All for a good reason).

She was always warned the minute I see the phone becoming detrimental to her it will be taken away. Eg, room not done, homework, jobs etc. she's usually pretty good in general, has had her moments where she is lazy, not doing things as asked, being a brat to her sister but generally, she's alright. If somethings not done, it's because she doesn't want to put the phone down.

She had a close friend group before starting secondary.

So when she started secondary she got into bother with a group of girls who were bullying her. I got school involved and it seemed to be sorted.
Then about 3 weeks ago it turns out that she has been very friendly with this group of girls, has turned her back on her friends from primary and was actually involved in bullying them. Including her very best pal. I was gutted and livid. This pal had been so good and her mum involved my daughter in everything, parties, trips holidays etc. I was gutted. I had a feeling something was up so took her phone thru the night and went thru it, (something she knows I will do sporadically, this was part of the deal of getting a new one). Spoke with the mum. Got it sorted. School involved. Lots of tears and stress. I was so gutted at her and disappointed. She tried to blame the other girls. I'm not a push over by any means and she was read the riot act. She was just as bad as the others I'm ashamed to say. Phone got taken as this was one of the ways the bullying/verbal abuse was happening. She has been on all sm, Snapchat was the worst.

So up to now she is not allowed to hang about with the bully girls. She's not allowed to be near them etc. no social media again. She's made up with her old friend and thought things were getting better. She's been going to her clubs etc where these girls don't go. There's a couple of other girls who are a bit trouble out of school she's not allowed near them either at night, at parks etc. I have tried my best to enforce this.

So I gave her her phone back. All apps been blocked. Told her again any more about the phone and it goes completely. Any sm apps on it it's gone. She does use it for help with homework, and school timetables etc. she also uses like utube for hair make up tutorials, she's starting to like music etc so following bands.

Today. Got woke up from night shift to come and collect her from school. Someone had grabbed her phone out her hand and as she couldnt get it back from them she kicked a glass door in. Shattered the whole lot. Then ran away. Teachers found out it was her and now she was send home and on Monday is in 'inclusion'. Classes outwith her class and breaks before everyone else. Phone has been removed permanently. When I went thru it she had been back on Snapchat.

So she really is not getting the phone back. I'm so sick of it. Anything she is in bother about revolves around this bloody phone. I have spoken to her about it till I'm blue in the face. So has my husband.

But i still feel like a fking asshole for taking it. She will be the only one without a phone in class. She does use it for homework etc.

If you have not switched off by now my question is...mums, what do u all do in this kind of situation? I'm sick to the back teeth of the phone but still feel like I'm depriving her and segregating her by taking it away. Kids use their phone for every single thing. She is on it to organise her clubs, her weekend etc. I feel really bad but I just can't trust her with the social media as she has proven yet again and her behaviour overall is way better when she doesn't have it. This today at school is just the icing on the cake. She's never done anything like that before.

I thought her using it for homework only might work but I prefer her thinking it's just gone, it's out the house sold, or whatever she thinks.

I just feel shit about her not getting it and scared I'm going to cause her to be singled out for not having one at school .

What would you all do. She isn't responsible enough for it is what I think. Anyone else in same boat??

Sorry I know I'm ranting now Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
coolkatt · 31/01/2025 20:37

shellyleppard · 31/01/2025 20:08

I think you are doing the right thing. If her behaviour has deteriorated that much then its time to be the tough guy. Can she use a computer/laptop to keep up with her homework/clubs??? Are school going to charge her for the door repair??

I'm not sure if they are charging me for the glass they didnt mention it this morning but I have told DD the rest of her Xmas money and money she's got saved from pocket pocket money is all going to the school towards it.

OP posts:
Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 20:26

NeelyOHara1 · 31/01/2025 20:24

I would hazard a guess that she's insecure and unhappy, for some reason(s), so the phone's not the issue, it's more a case of how she's using it and why?

I know it’s sad but a lot of young teens have become this way due to social media and iPhones being the norm. I know a lot of young girls bullied due to Snapchat etc.

Crushgrape · 31/01/2025 20:25

iPhones were not really a thing when I was in school (I’m early 30’s) only a few kids had them.

I had a Motorola flip phone year 8-11 and an old style Nokia in year 7.

If it were me I’d get rid of the iPhone and give my child a basic phone.

NeelyOHara1 · 31/01/2025 20:24

I would hazard a guess that she's insecure and unhappy, for some reason(s), so the phone's not the issue, it's more a case of how she's using it and why?

Curtainqueen · 31/01/2025 20:24

Get her an old style house brick phone for her school stuff. Trust me, you are doing the right thing. One day she will thank you for this.

itsgettingweird · 31/01/2025 20:21

She has a brick home for organising meet ups and lifts.

She accesses her iPhone with huge parental controls for things like homework etc.

But you talk to her. Her behaviour re the door was obviously unacceptable but how would you feel as an adult of someone snatched an expensive item of yours from your hand? How would you respond if you were walking down a street and mugged?

It's natural human instinct to react to perceived threat. I think your DD does need a consequence for her actions but she won't learn if she thinks the "thief" is getting away Scott free.

It's again human nature to not change your behaviour if you don't feel the balance is fair.

She's going to have access to these things eventually. You need to work with her to help her manage that effectively. Banning is the right thing to do but it isn't a long term solve all solution in isolation.

cadburyegg · 31/01/2025 20:18

Get her a brick type nokia phone that she can use for phone calls and texts only. Once she has proven she can use that sensibly then you can consider a smartphone again but that might not be for a couple of years. Smartphones are a slippery slope imo even if you put all the restrictions on

Ilovethewild · 31/01/2025 20:14

Can you either provide a basic phone to enable her to text, call only
or
set up parental controls on her phone and disallow apps eg SM

at some point she would want some sm, so working with her on these is ideal but appreciate her behaviour has been poor.

do u have the phone overnight?

shellyleppard · 31/01/2025 20:08

I think you are doing the right thing. If her behaviour has deteriorated that much then its time to be the tough guy. Can she use a computer/laptop to keep up with her homework/clubs??? Are school going to charge her for the door repair??