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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What would you do?*work*

70 replies

stephie182 · 31/01/2025 17:02

Hi all
I work in a care home and a new resident with dementia has a golliw*g doll that they have on their bed every night.
we are a diverse workplace with many people from diverse ethical backgrounds.
a complaint has been made and this has been dismissed and that it’s not an issue.
Am I being unreasonable to think that this is actually an issue?
thanks

OP posts:
anonhop · 31/01/2025 20:14

@BlueMum16 the possession isn't hateful though. A swastika represents a movement of genocide. Was never anything but a hateful symbol.

A gollywog was a common toy that had no racist intentions and when it became widespread knowledge that black people found it offensive, they were rightly abandoned. So the gollywog itself is not a hateful possession & doesn't represent hatred. It's insensitive because you know that black people might (not all!) find it offensive.

Very different.

denhaag · 31/01/2025 20:10

BlueMum16 · 31/01/2025 20:05

Personally I think it needs removing.

Would they permit other hateful possessions? Nazi items? KKK? Antisemitic ?

Where do you draw the line?

It is in a persona workplace and they have rights to be protected from any discrimination.

What if the discrimination was done verbally, as is not at all uncommon in people with dementia?

BlueMum16 · 31/01/2025 20:05

stephie182 · 31/01/2025 17:16

Thanks for your reply, and I agree I see both sides. I have gone to management but it’s been dismissed

Personally I think it needs removing.

Would they permit other hateful possessions? Nazi items? KKK? Antisemitic ?

Where do you draw the line?

It is in a persona workplace and they have rights to be protected from any discrimination.

anonhop · 31/01/2025 20:03

@ExtraOnions no, it's not OK. Which is why it's hidden away. We obviously don't have it on display as we might with another family treasure because the form of this item is unacceptable. However, each stitch was still done with love and care, not with any racism in mind (my great grandmother was anti racist even in her generation but back then they weren't seen as racist). Therefore we keep it as a memory of her, not as a racist item.

denhaag · 31/01/2025 20:00

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 19:56

Stereotypical racist tropes are ok, as long as they came from a relative … heard it all now.

Of course racism is not OK, but I think you need to put it in context.
A small child saying something regarded as racist would be excused as the child hasn't learnt.
The person with dementia will not know their doll is racist. They might have done, but we don't know the back story.

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 19:56

anonhop · 31/01/2025 19:52

Please be sensitive. My mum has one of these because her grandmother made it for her so it's special & sentimental. Of course it's tucked away & she wouldn't go out and buy one now! But it's special because her grandmother made it. So please bear that in mind.

Stereotypical racist tropes are ok, as long as they came from a relative … heard it all now.

denhaag · 31/01/2025 19:56

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/01/2025 19:41

OK - I'll bite. Would posters still be telling the OP/snowflake to get over themselves of the patient were fond of and deeply comforted by her favourite swastika image (accompanied by some anti Semitic trope) on her bedside table?

Very different.
This resident has what was probably given to them as a doll.
Nazi propaganda has never been a play thing.

We would excuse a dementia patient saying terrible things. I think regulations would allow for the doll to remain.
I would ensure it remains in the resident's room.

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 19:55

YourAzureEagle · 31/01/2025 19:48

The fact a white, elderly person owns a golly doll does not mean they are racist, they were a common toy, sold in every department store, every toy shop.

A black member of staff in a care home would I hope understand this and ignore the dolls racist overtones, if they can't do this, frankly, they shouldn't be there.

If it was something brought in by another member of staff, different matter altogether.

She wasn’t always “elderly” … she would have known it was an offensive item pre-dementia. Mum is in her late 80s, in a similar home, and has been aware of racist gollys since the 1990s. The patient chose to keep a racist item in her possession. People in their 80s, were in their 50s in the 1990s… it’s not like that were growing up in the Edwardian Era.

bugalugs45 · 31/01/2025 19:53

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/01/2025 19:41

OK - I'll bite. Would posters still be telling the OP/snowflake to get over themselves of the patient were fond of and deeply comforted by her favourite swastika image (accompanied by some anti Semitic trope) on her bedside table?

Hardly in the same league is it ?
A gollywog is /was a toy ffs

anonhop · 31/01/2025 19:52

Please be sensitive. My mum has one of these because her grandmother made it for her so it's special & sentimental. Of course it's tucked away & she wouldn't go out and buy one now! But it's special because her grandmother made it. So please bear that in mind.

YourAzureEagle · 31/01/2025 19:48

NotSayingImBatman · 31/01/2025 19:03

The thing is, white people don’t get to decide what Black people find offensive. If Black members of staff are offended by it, then it’s offensive, and they shouldn’t have to work with/for a person who — knowingly or otherwise — does something that offends them.

At the very least, white members of staff should deal with the resident’s care moving forward.

The fact a white, elderly person owns a golly doll does not mean they are racist, they were a common toy, sold in every department store, every toy shop.

A black member of staff in a care home would I hope understand this and ignore the dolls racist overtones, if they can't do this, frankly, they shouldn't be there.

If it was something brought in by another member of staff, different matter altogether.

LondonPapa · 31/01/2025 19:47

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/01/2025 19:41

OK - I'll bite. Would posters still be telling the OP/snowflake to get over themselves of the patient were fond of and deeply comforted by her favourite swastika image (accompanied by some anti Semitic trope) on her bedside table?

Never been toys or related to kindred childhood memories but in this instance, for a dementia patient, yes I’d be supportive of it staying put. OP should move on.

YourAzureEagle · 31/01/2025 19:45

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/01/2025 19:41

OK - I'll bite. Would posters still be telling the OP/snowflake to get over themselves of the patient were fond of and deeply comforted by her favourite swastika image (accompanied by some anti Semitic trope) on her bedside table?

My mum who is in her 80's had a golly doll as a child, its long gone, but she loved it, it was a common Childs toy.

Swastikas and Nazi memorabilia have never been toys, nor particularly widely available.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 31/01/2025 19:41

OK - I'll bite. Would posters still be telling the OP/snowflake to get over themselves of the patient were fond of and deeply comforted by her favourite swastika image (accompanied by some anti Semitic trope) on her bedside table?

YourAzureEagle · 31/01/2025 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StormingNorman · 31/01/2025 19:23

I see both sides. I’m 46 and remember gollies on marmalade jars. As an aside I never realised they were supposed to be black people until relatively recently when the campaign to ban them came about. However, once I did know, I could see the cruel caricature for myself and it is offensive.

On the other hand, people with dementia regress to childhood and this is probably a much-loved toy which brings them comfort and happiness. I tend to think that anything that can give them a sense of security and familiarity is a good thing.

On balance, I would put the needs of the dementia sufferer above the needs of the staff members who have the mental capacity to separate the actions of the resident/patient and an old-fashioned toy.

cansu · 31/01/2025 19:14

If the patient has dementia and this is an important item to them I would I hope have the common sense to not be looking for an issue.

Hobbes8 · 31/01/2025 19:10

bugalugs45 · 31/01/2025 17:23

No, I haven't ever experienced racism ( as a white woman) but I have had dealings with people suffering from dementia, and know that they are not always 'themselves ' and are sometimes unintentionally abusive to those around them , those that are caring from them are usually very tolerant people and rightly so , amazing superhumans in some cases, so for me it just wouldn't be a big deal , and I'd turn a blind eye to it , like I would do for lots of other things when dealing with vulnerable patients.
I can't see where you can go from here , you've already flagged it with your employer and they've dismissed it , I'd just let it go .

So you’re white, but you think the reason you’re not upset by a racist doll is because of your age?

NotSayingImBatman · 31/01/2025 19:03

The thing is, white people don’t get to decide what Black people find offensive. If Black members of staff are offended by it, then it’s offensive, and they shouldn’t have to work with/for a person who — knowingly or otherwise — does something that offends them.

At the very least, white members of staff should deal with the resident’s care moving forward.

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 18:57

A Golly is a racist trope dressed in stripy trousers and a red jacket. Just because they “used to be popular” doesn’t make it ok - Dog Fighting used to be popular.. that wasn’t right either.

People are allowed to feel offended, without being referred to as a “snowflake”.. be used they are offensive.

The situation you are in is a difficult one .. though TBH, my mum is in the dementia wing of a care home, and stuff is constantly going missing - normally other residents taking stuff. With any luck it will go missing .. off to live with the Bernard Manning Albums, episodes of Love thy Neighbours, and Black & White Minstrel shows.

Legoownsmylife · 31/01/2025 18:53

The OP was right to raise it, but to remove it without consent is theft no matter how offensive the item.

newrubylane · 31/01/2025 18:51

You can't make someone get rid of their stuff just because you don't like it. This is their home, and those are their personal possessions. Ignore it, do your job and get a grip.

BoldBlueZebra · 31/01/2025 18:43

That resident has dementia and spends an awful lot of time not understanding the world around them and not recognising the people around them. If they are comforted by that item then their need trumps yours they have so little else that’s familiar to them. My grandma didn’t even recognise clothes as her own and regularly asked us whose clothes they were and do they want them back

Coralsunset · 31/01/2025 18:39

VoodooRajin · 31/01/2025 17:16

I'd accidentally bin it

Me too

ilovesooty · 31/01/2025 18:29

LondonPapa · 31/01/2025 18:09

I really should’ve read the thread. Such a surprise to find out you’re the complainant OP. I hope you’re removed from care duties for this patent as you seem to be easily offended by an item a dementia patient treasures / uses to keep things somewhat familiar etc.

My only advice is not everything is about you nor is it there to offend you. Use your common sense and don’t be a snowflake. Life will throw much worse than this. If you are offended over this, I’d hate to see how you react to a real issue.

Is it really necessary to attack the OP and resort to name calling because you don't agree with her?

FWIW @stephie182 I'd have raised it with management too. As they've dismissed it I'm not sure where you'd go from here. Who owns, runs and formulates policy?