My partner and I have been arguing for a week…

Rebecca2693 · 2025-01-31T09:58:01+00:00

My partner and I are in a cycle of the same argument. At the beginning of our relationship he had what I felt was an inappropriate relationship with a female friend. He held his hands up recently to say he understood why I felt like I did and was going to work to get my trust back. I recently have seen a few conversations with women from work over email that are very banter driven and some replies I’ve seen as not necessary at all. I work in a corporate role and have always kept it very professional. I just feel given our trust issue that’s already being worked on, this was another thing I found uneasy. I am struggling to let everything go and it causes big arguments. I love this person very much but I don’t know what to do, or if I’m being unreasonable. We have been arguing for a few days but they just seem to be the same conversations on repeat. I’m conscious it’s sending us both insane

WigglyVonWaggly · 31/01/2025 14:16

This finger gesture they keep using…my friend’s husband cheated and it turned out that he and OW were using coded emojis that looked innocent instead of kisses. Every message had lots of the same emoji. Is the middle finger a sexual code that’s mean to appear totally matey / insulting? It’s weird it’s cropping up in repeat photos and texts as an in joke.

meh2025 · 31/01/2025 14:16

Calamitousness · 31/01/2025 13:04

See, I don’t think you do have a lot of work to do on you.
A good relationship doesn’t make you feel like this. Do not be gaslighted by him or posters on here into thinking you’re neurotic.
When a man is decent and into you, trust me. There’s no doubt about him and his commitment.

This. Exactly this.

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 14:12

@xRobin
honestly I’m so glad it worked out for you and your DP ♥️
He had said there is childhood stuff that he wants to address and he doesn’t understand why he is way he is about certain things sometimes so we might try and see someone to see if that helps.
If not admit it’s not working and call it a day, we have a child so I’m finding it harder to just walk away.

OP posts:

Windowsand · 31/01/2025 14:12

Calamitousness · 31/01/2025 13:04

See, I don’t think you do have a lot of work to do on you.
A good relationship doesn’t make you feel like this. Do not be gaslighted by him or posters on here into thinking you’re neurotic.
When a man is decent and into you, trust me. There’s no doubt about him and his commitment.

Completely agree.
He sounds like a sleaze and your gut is warning you.
Don't ignore it.
You are not compatible and never will be.
Why you continued to date someone who leers at women is strange.
Only sleazy creeps leer at women.
Stop wasting your time trying to tolerate this.
Move on. He cannot be fixed.

xRobin · 31/01/2025 14:05

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 13:53

@xRobin
honestly I don’t know if it’s a trade thing but I overheard a conversation last night of a lad his working with (who stays out of town and has a girlfriend and children) talking about how he’s met a girl in Edinburgh (“and you should see her”)
His friends have also had issues cheating on their partners which I’ve been aware of
Everything combined makes me 1. wonder what conversations they must be having 2. wonder why you’d want to associate with such people 3. question if he thinks it’s normal behaviour

It genuinely might be because one of our electricians worked away in Scotland for 1 week! He met somebody, got her pregnant and the Scottish girl found his DP on Facebook and told her 🙈

My DP works at the same company I do and works away, nights etc. and he knows damn well I’d ring his neck 😂 x

Muttley17 · 31/01/2025 13:59

Unless he meant the Newport Helicopter dance? Google it with Skindred

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 13:53

@xRobin
honestly I don’t know if it’s a trade thing but I overheard a conversation last night of a lad his working with (who stays out of town and has a girlfriend and children) talking about how he’s met a girl in Edinburgh (“and you should see her”)
His friends have also had issues cheating on their partners which I’ve been aware of
Everything combined makes me 1. wonder what conversations they must be having 2. wonder why you’d want to associate with such people 3. question if he thinks it’s normal behaviour

OP posts:

Calamitousness · 31/01/2025 13:04

See, I don’t think you do have a lot of work to do on you.
A good relationship doesn’t make you feel like this. Do not be gaslighted by him or posters on here into thinking you’re neurotic.
When a man is decent and into you, trust me. There’s no doubt about him and his commitment.

malificent7 · 31/01/2025 13:04

I would not be ok woth the helicopter thing...how immature and inappropriate!

meh2025 · 31/01/2025 12:57

No, it's not an over reaction as he is a liar.

If he has lied to you - and he has - and disrespected your boundaries deliberately - and he has - you cannot know what else he has lied about or will lie about.

There's one simple question you have to ask yourself - would he have said and done these things in front of you?

If not why not?

He will not change and there will be more you do not know about. Up to you if you can tolerate the intolerable.

xRobin · 31/01/2025 12:25

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:56

I genuinely do not think he would cheat on me, I don’t know why but in my gut I don’t think he would.

I have just always struggled to understand his need for attention off women.

I find it repulsive if a man tries to approach or speak to me in any inappropriate way knowing I am in a relationship and would with no hesitation shut it down.

My DP used to be like this, we got right to the bottom of it after months of arguing and it was because he had extreme low self-esteem after years of his Mum being abusive with a touch of enmeshment involved.
He craved validation from women as proof he was worth something.
It’s really sad.
Plus, some men and women just like to know “they’ve still got it” when in a long-term relationship.
I love that you feel he wouldn’t cheat ❤️ that’s a good place to start x

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:56

I genuinely do not think he would cheat on me, I don’t know why but in my gut I don’t think he would.

I have just always struggled to understand his need for attention off women.

I find it repulsive if a man tries to approach or speak to me in any inappropriate way knowing I am in a relationship and would with no hesitation shut it down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:54

@xRobin thank you, I know it’s so hard as I don’t know the females nature either and I’m not going to, it’s work colleagues that just is what it is, and you have to have the trust there for it to work.

I used to work in an office just one particular one, mixed genders and the amount of affairs that went on were actually horrific, and a lot of these started out as harmless banter and I know it is very much dependent on both people on both ends. But I also know even then I was single and I had to in force boundaries with some males that would overstep the mark, one being my manager. Since then I have always made my boundaries single or taken, very clear in the work place.

I definitely think it’s a mix of both what happened at the beginning mixed with my insecurity now.

I agree with a lot of posters, it’s out of line for me to think of these as anything more than banter. Or feel it necessary to police it. But obviously need to figure out where this is coming from on my end so speaking to someone may help.

OP posts:

xRobin · 31/01/2025 11:41

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 10:44

the original issue - was with a female friend he would message all day long, her partner also raised concerns, he said they were no longer in contact, but I found out they were and he had been covering it up/hiding the messages. On particular conversation they were talking about his dancing, and he said to her he would show me the “helicopter” (I’m not sure I have to explain what that is, but just to save confusion. Willing his downstairs area to make it helicopter). There is also a Instagram account where a guy is singing “good morning my pineapple, you are looking very cute today” which may have been banter and maybe I am very insecure but this I did not find okay. They often had this private joke - of always sending eachother picture of the themselves sending eachother the middle finger which is probably why the next bit triggered me.

I was helping him to draft an email to one of his bosses about a discrepancy in his pay (he’s new to a corporate role from a trade background). I was trying to find some more context from previous conversations to help me add to it, and on those travels came across some emails that he had sent to a colleague. He had previously told me that one of the lads he worked with was “in love” with said colleague (even though he’s in a relationship and has 2 kids at home). Anyway context was around his boss being off for an extended period of time over Christmas (but ended with 👀🤣) and then another was in response to her sarcastically saying to him and he put:
“👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
🖕🏽”

another colleague often WhatsApp’s him (it’s on his normal phone as they don’t have work phones) and ends it with an “x”

I have 8 years working in a corporate environment and I have had friends from work both genders but I always keep it professional and respect the boundaries. Even more so if said male work colleague is as in a relationship.

Honestly I’m well aware that this is probably a huge over reaction and I’m fine to take the honesty. I know I have a HUGE part to play in trying to fix this also on my side, as there is clearly an issue that I’m struggling with.

Honestly, this completely depends on your partner’s nature and the female’s nature.
I work in an office of a few that project manage a load of male electricians.
Out of all of them, there’s maybe 2 that I could joke with without it being mistaken for flirting.
The others, even the married ones, push boundaries I’m uncomfortable with.
My nature is I absolutely wouldn’t even entertain flirting with someone in a relationship.
Some women see it as harmless, same as some men.
In your eyes, is your DP a risk of ever cheating on you? If he is, it’s probably your gut warning you he’s crossing a boundary.
If he isn’t, you might be feeling insecure for whatever reason and you need to discuss it with him x

ExtraOnions · 31/01/2025 11:31

He has allowed someone to access his works computer, and search through his emails … he’s needs sacking, never mind dumping.

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:28

@ItGhoul thank you, I have just read what I believe to be the post @Pickledpeanuts is referring too. And noticed you had also posted on this too. The issue with his female friend is so very and scarily close to the same as the OP. I did not go into that level of detail but the behavioural patterns are so similar.

As for the work situation I do understand and I’m wondering if I have just completely over reacted.
We have a pretty great relationship outside of this and are compatible in so many ways so I didn’t want to lose that. Part of me thinks there is definitely some work I need to do
But I just needed a reality check from people who are not involved

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 31/01/2025 11:18

Trust your gut, it’s there for a reason. 2.5 years don’t sink anymore time in. You don’t need a reason - it’s just not for you.

Are you living together?

ItGhoul · 31/01/2025 11:16

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 10:44

the original issue - was with a female friend he would message all day long, her partner also raised concerns, he said they were no longer in contact, but I found out they were and he had been covering it up/hiding the messages. On particular conversation they were talking about his dancing, and he said to her he would show me the “helicopter” (I’m not sure I have to explain what that is, but just to save confusion. Willing his downstairs area to make it helicopter). There is also a Instagram account where a guy is singing “good morning my pineapple, you are looking very cute today” which may have been banter and maybe I am very insecure but this I did not find okay. They often had this private joke - of always sending eachother picture of the themselves sending eachother the middle finger which is probably why the next bit triggered me.

I was helping him to draft an email to one of his bosses about a discrepancy in his pay (he’s new to a corporate role from a trade background). I was trying to find some more context from previous conversations to help me add to it, and on those travels came across some emails that he had sent to a colleague. He had previously told me that one of the lads he worked with was “in love” with said colleague (even though he’s in a relationship and has 2 kids at home). Anyway context was around his boss being off for an extended period of time over Christmas (but ended with 👀🤣) and then another was in response to her sarcastically saying to him and he put:
“👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
👇
🖕🏽”

another colleague often WhatsApp’s him (it’s on his normal phone as they don’t have work phones) and ends it with an “x”

I have 8 years working in a corporate environment and I have had friends from work both genders but I always keep it professional and respect the boundaries. Even more so if said male work colleague is as in a relationship.

Honestly I’m well aware that this is probably a huge over reaction and I’m fine to take the honesty. I know I have a HUGE part to play in trying to fix this also on my side, as there is clearly an issue that I’m struggling with.

Honestly? I would not be in the slightest bit bothered by any of these things. Maybe the messaging with his female friend was a bit intense but it does just sound pretty much just matey stuff to me. I have more or less the same friendships with male friends as I do with female ones, and the things you've mentioned are the sorts of things I'd probably do with any friend, male or female. I can see why you felt it was a bit much but I don't think it's an indication of an affair.

The work stuff - sorry, but I really, really cannot see what the issue is with any of that. At all. It's obviously bothering you, and you feel what you feel - you can't help that. But it's not his fault that you feel that way and it's not reasonable to be telling him to change the way he interacts at work.

I have had friends from work both genders but I always keep it professional and respect the boundaries

But who decides what the boundaries are? The boundaries for your colleagues might not be the same as the boundaries for his. Just because you prefer to 'keep it professional' that doesn't mean you can mould your partner into the same kind of person that you are. You can't expect to change him into someone else. This is his personality. That is how he is with people and probably always has been.

To be quite honest, I think you just sound like very, very different people who are probably fundamentally incompatible. His personality is always going to make you unhappy, and your attempts to curb it are always going to make him feel suffocated and controlled.

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:06

Not a single ounce, we never argue about anyone of the opposite sex. He was always so respectful of me, he genuinely made me feel so secure and like I was the most important person to him. Honestly I have experienced good relationships so I understand this feeling I’ve got now isn’t right.

When we first got together he used to stare at really attractive women whilst we were out and about on dates. Again - never been an issue in any of my past relationships. But I had to sit and ask myself was it me going mad and am I thinking too much into it.

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 31/01/2025 11:02

And you didn’t have a jealousy issue in your previous relationships? But your gut feels something is off?

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 11:01

2 and a half years

OP posts:

FairyMaclary · 31/01/2025 10:59

Sorry if i missed it but how long have you been together?

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 10:55

I haven’t no, but I will have a look for that thread too. It does sound unusually similar
However unfortunately this issue for me seems to be continuous

OP posts:

Original poster

Rebecca2693 · 31/01/2025 10:51

Honestly if I am being unreasonable, I’ve got a lot of work to do and maybe that is a big part of our issue.

My previous relationship we had no issues with trust, we actually did a big slug of it long distance and both lives our lives with no issues about the other sex

OP posts:

Pickledpeanuts · 31/01/2025 10:51

Have you posted earlier this week? There was a very similar thread about a partner with a female friend, met through the gym, where he had been originally overly intimate/lied/it had come up again recently.

Either way, ultimately if this argument cannot be resolved and you fundamentally disagree on the nature of relationships with the opposite sex/what's appropriate then I think its time to walk away.