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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think DH/in laws springing meal on you is unfair?

180 replies

OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 00:31

Interested to hear people’s thoughts on this scenario.

Attended a conflict resolution/having difficult conversations workshop the other day at work, as I have recently started a more managerial role (I work in healthcare). It was quite interesting overall, exploring different behaviour types: the aggressive ‘bulldozer’, the submissive ‘doormat’ , the passive-aggressive ‘sniper’, and the healthiest way to handle these situations is with assertive behaviour. However one aspect of it didn’t quite sit right with me.

The scenario given (think in context of NHS hospital) was…

You’ve had a horrific day at work, so busy you’ve had no lunch break, headache, trains are delayed/stuck in traffic en route home. All you want to do is get home and crash out before your next shift tomorrow morning. You get through the door, and your DH says, ‘finally you’re home, get ready, my parents are going to take us out for a meal.’ 😳

The trainers’ reasoning was because your relationship with DH is high value and your own want (to go home and relax) is low value, i.e. you could suck it up (???), is that the smoothest way (and presumably what they were insinuating was that it was the BEST way) to deal with it, should go along to the meal because you value your relationship with your DH/in laws, and you don’t absolutely need to rest.

A couple of us pointed out that actually, isn’t that passive/doormat behaviour? We suggested an assertive but polite way to deal with the situation would be to say ‘sounds nice but I’ve had a horrendous day and just need to unwind. You go to the meal and enjoy your time with your parents, but I’ll be sitting this one out. Also, it’s not really fair to spring this on me when I’m already late home and you could have text to ask me at any point in the day, if this was ok with me?’

Trainer seemed a bit dumbfounded and said that responding with ‘it’s not fair’ is bulldozer behaviour! But why would DH and in laws needs be more important than mine? Isn’t it important to protect your own wellbeing and boundaries, and isn’t it somewhat disrespectful of them not to check in with you first?

What does everyone think? (I was thinking about it afterwards and realised I am probably biased as I don’t really have any kind of relationship with my in laws and pulling this sort of shit on a really inconvenient day sounds like something they would do lol- I probably would go along to the meal if I actually liked them 🤣)

OP posts:
MontyDonsBlueScarf · 31/01/2025 07:30

The trainer has completely ignored the introvert/extrovert dimension. Obviously after a day like this you'd need to recharge. Introverts do that by taking time out and extroverts do it by engaging with the outside world. Your DH should be well aware which of those applies to you. If he's arranged a night out knowing you need it that's not much of a conflict situation in the first place. If he's done it when he could reasonably have expected you'd want to retreat to a hot bath with a drink that's completely different.

RabbitsEatPancakes · 31/01/2025 07:29

I suspect people saying they'd just go out are all extrovert and therefore actually gain energy from socialising. Whereas introverts tend to recharge batteries alone and being flat out the idea of a people based activity is horrid.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 31/01/2025 07:27

I agree with you OP, its neither here nor there that some posters would be ok with this, its absolutely not the RIGHT answer to put your husbands want of a meal out (he couldn't even text about) over your need for rest.

Maybe the conflict resolution instructor could consider the husband at least speaking to his wife and finding out why she is late home before demanding she gets ready, as its a 'high value" relationship for him!

Ophy83 · 31/01/2025 07:27

As the role is health care I would have thought that from a patient safety perspective you would need a quiet evening to recharge rather than a night out.

I wonder if people's reactions depend on whether they are introvert or extrovert - an extrovert would regain energy by having a lovely meal out and socialising with (presumably) supportive family members, whilst for an introvert it is a further drain on depleted reserves.

Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:27

MissDoubleU · 31/01/2025 07:23

It’s very simple

Person A) Choosing to take care of their own needs and do what they feel is best for themselves (ie, rest) without stopping person B from doing what they like

Person B) Insisting person A put their own needs aside because they have a desire to do something and have planned something not previously discussed with person A

The only bulldozer would be the husband for insisting the wife “suck it up” purely for his sake.

With all the discussion about nuances and different relationship with in laws, complexities etc, I really like that you’ve spelled it out so simply. This is what it really boils down to for me.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 31/01/2025 07:25

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 31/01/2025 00:53

I would have zoned out as soon as a random corporate trainer started telling me the 'right' way to handle my personal relationships.

Good on you for saying something.

Absolutely agree. The trainer sounds like an idiot.

If I’m not feeling it, I’m not going out anywhere. One of the most liberating things is having personal boundaries to say ‘no’

SleepyHippy3 · 31/01/2025 07:24

This reply has been deleted

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Blimey, as a manager you clearly don’t have much empathy or sympathy. In this hypothetical scenario, the last thing many people want, after a horrendously shit day, is to come home recharge and rest. That’s not selfish at all. That should trump the husbands and in laws surprise dinner plans. Thats not some pathetic navel grazing. Honestly, sounds like you are the one who needs empathy trading at work, especially if you really are managing other people.

Dilbertian · 31/01/2025 07:24

All female; two female trainers and all female attendees. I believe a couple of men were also booked in to the group but didn’t attend on the day.

Interesting. I wonder whether the same 'advice' would be given to men. Because what is seen as assertive boundary-setting in men is often seen as aggressive selfishness in women. The idea that a woman stating that her reasonable needs mean she does not want to go along with her husband's choices is 'bulldozing' fits exactly into that attitude.

Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:24

Housebuy1 · 31/01/2025 06:59

@OpalAnt but a bad day is a bad day!…you don’t get to say whether my bad day in my “office role” (I hate that term!) isn’t as bad as your bad day! Yours doesn’t trump mine because you are NHS. What a shitty attitude! Bulldozer and sniper attitude all in one there!

Show quote history

Of course a bad day is regardless, and I was in no way saying that NHS trumps non clinical roles; I apologise if it came across that way.

My point was that when the trainer says to ‘imagine you’ve had a horrendous day at work’, my mind goes to what I would consider a horrendous day at work. To put it bluntly, in my role, this would involve the death of children. Which is not something I personally could ‘suck up’ when I’m finished to be able to and sit through a meal with in laws.

Personally I feel that even if your bad day involved something far less extreme (e.g. your boss was just being a cow- can happen to anyone), you still have every right to decline if you don’t feel like you have the capacity. Everyone’s limits are different and it’s definitely not a competition.

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 31/01/2025 07:23

It’s very simple

Person A) Choosing to take care of their own needs and do what they feel is best for themselves (ie, rest) without stopping person B from doing what they like

Person B) Insisting person A put their own needs aside because they have a desire to do something and have planned something not previously discussed with person A

The only bulldozer would be the husband for insisting the wife “suck it up” purely for his sake.

TorroFerney · 31/01/2025 07:21

OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 00:43

Interesting responses and I can definitely see why you’d appreciate some good company after a shit day (the company is what makes it, right?)

I guess the thing that bugged me was that they were insinuating that not going is the wrong choice, when they specified in the scenario that “all you want to do is go home and crash out.” I suppose I thought the focus would be on allowing yourself to go with what you want/need at that time; be it an early night, or a good meal and bottle of wine!

It’s a shit scenario to use that’s the issue I think. And everyone in that room will project their own relationships onto it in their answer. The right answer is I get to go or not go without criticism. And also this hypothetical husband presumably knows you and whether you are the type of person who would like this or not.

that would have been my answer to the trainer.

AlisonDonut · 31/01/2025 07:17

My take on it is that there is a reason the phrase 'Off you fuck then' was coined.

Springing a meal out after a day like that would be an ideal time to use it.

Auldlang · 31/01/2025 07:17

Ablondiebutagoody · 31/01/2025 00:36

It all sounds very OTT and navel gazy. I would probably appreciate a nice meal out and a few drinks after a shit day. Others might not. Go if you want. Or don't. No big deal either way.

If you're not interested in the question why respond?

Rocksaltrita · 31/01/2025 07:17

The trainer sounds poor. The example is a silly one and it seems to promote the needs of others before the needs of the OP. That seems very off, given the training features ‘how to be assertive’. I think it’s unconscious bias/misogyny. Expecting the woman to fit in with her husband’s wants/needs. And it’s even more strange that an NHS trainer is encouraging people to avoid sleep when they’re tired.

Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:16

Dilbertian · 31/01/2025 06:49

I'm curious: what was the distribution of men and women in the session?

All female; two female trainers and all female attendees. I believe a couple of men were also booked in to the group but didn’t attend on the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:14

lilytuckerpritchet · 31/01/2025 02:27

I wouldn't want to be told as I was walking through the door that I was going out for a meal.

If I was being invited I'd want a bit of notice even a couple hours to get my head into it. But also with an invitation there's the option to decline if it's not for you or you have other plans.

This sounds more like a summons.

Completely agree, and the fact that it was a summons/telling/“we’re going” is part of the reason I would say it’s unfair (the bulldozer-y comment)

Had it been an invitation and an actual request, “last minute thing but would you like to come / do you feel up to coming?” I would have politely but assertively declined, but left out the unfair part- because to me, asking is completely fair; telling is not!

OP posts:
Phthia · 31/01/2025 07:14

I think you're overthinking this. It's a hypothetical, it's not something that has actually happened to you. The answer depends so much on factors you haven't been told - do you get on with your in-laws, is their company enjoyable, might they actually help you to process your awful day, exactly how bad has your day been, etc etc. I can't imagine this because my in-laws never take us out, they live too far away. It's pointless trying to work out how I would react.

stayathomer · 31/01/2025 07:13

It’s all a bit extreme isn’t it? Your trainer wasn’t great suggesting do anything to keep the peace but then the ‘doormat’ thing also bugs me, in real life you talk in out. Some mners will say ltb for daring to make plans without you/ as a surprise/ because he wanted to see his parents!!! And actually you might have a better time than you think of it could be a disaster so you may agree to go or he might just go without you

Deathraystare · 31/01/2025 07:12

I think most people have been there. You'd agreed to go out with friends and suddenly due to circumstances you really don't feel like going. Only you know if you are then able to feel better once you had a drink, nice meal, a chat or if you would feel worse. Sit there with a 'face' on you etc etc. Better if you are going out to have a shower, change of clothes etc etc. However that training sounded mad. I think they should have kept it to work situations as that is very black and white and in the box whereas outside there are many other influences.

People saying a person would be selfish to not go, well if the person really was feeling bad after a shit day, they cannot always put their feelings aside and sit there with a shit eating grin. Would the husband also be up for a meal with his in laws if he had a shit day????!!!!

SharpOpalNewt · 31/01/2025 07:09

It depends on timing as well. Do I have time to have a rest, shower and change, or do I have to go out looking like I've had a fight with a bear?

Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:08

Sugargliderwombat · 31/01/2025 06:38

The trainer was a man, I assume?

No actually

OP posts:
flyinghen · 31/01/2025 07:07

This is honestly such a weird question to have come up in work training. What I do on an evening is not my managers business. I honestly can't even at a stretch see how this could be relatable to work and relevant in training? Have I missed something? It's just very strange!

But to answer your question, I would sit it out and my in laws would understand if I was physically exhausted and ready to crash in bed. If I actually felt a bit up to it I might push myself to go.

Original poster
OpalAnt · 31/01/2025 07:06

TartanTrewses · 31/01/2025 03:47

Hi OP,

I think the thing that's being overlooked here is that you shouldn't have to have a horrific day at work. If the NHS wasn't such a mess, then you should have adequate staffing and horrific days wouldn't happen.

I think the course trainer's approach is a bit bonkers. If you want to skip a dinner than that is your choice and your husband wouldn't mind at all.

I volunteer in the NHS and a lot of the culture seems just enormously toxic. I'm sorry about all the weird responses you've had on the thread. I only read the first full page, but tbh I think you should ignore them all and follow your own good sense. You sounds as though you have it all right and the trainer is a bit batty.

Thank you for your kind response ❤️

OP posts:
SharpOpalNewt · 31/01/2025 07:06

It depends also if you like the place you are going to!

I'd say I'm coming down with something and don't feel well enough to go.

I would explain the concept of gifts with strings attached to the trainer. Sounds like the trainer needs some training in what happens in real life.

Bigfellabamboo · 31/01/2025 07:05

Ablondiebutagoody · 31/01/2025 00:36

It all sounds very OTT and navel gazy. I would probably appreciate a nice meal out and a few drinks after a shit day. Others might not. Go if you want. Or don't. No big deal either way.

You said what I came to say. Id think oh thank god I don't have to cook or wash up and they'll pay 😂😂

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