To think DH/in laws springing meal on you is unfair?

Is it just me or I find it quite odd that workplace training was trying to imply a 'right' and 'wrong' approach to a situation in your personal life? - as the responses on here show a person's natural responses would tend to vary from 'great' to 'fuck off' as someone else succinctly put it, based on a thousand different nuanced factors that are completely individual to the situation at hand. There's something almost intrusive I find in workplace training about conflict resolution (presumably in the workplace) trying to teach that there's a way (a right and wrong way) to deal with specific personal situations. Not saying that you can't take certain things from the training and find ways to apply them in your personal life but think again that would be very individual.

What a bizarre scenario.

I hate surprises, so it's probably no to me if it's only being sprung on me after I've got home, regardless of the kind of day I've had. (Possibly yes if it was a nice day and the restaurant was very local and I was comfortable enough with my in-laws that I wouldn't feel I had to be "on" with them.)

But no one I've ever known would do that. They'd message me during the day to ask if I'm up for it, and if I said not tonight but let's do it another time, they'd accept that and we'd plan it at a time of mutual convenience. Saying "sorry, not feeling it tonight, can we do it next week" should not cause any issues whatsoever. If it did, that's a relationship I should have less of in my life!

What’s being a manager got to do with it?

Why would your dh/in-laws spring a surprise meal at the end of a busy work day? That doesn’t seem very realistic. The more realistic scenario would be a communication from your dh asking would you like to go out for a meal after work courtesy of the in-laws.

Unless they are encouraging ‘people pleasing’ your response should be whatever is true to yourself (yes lovely it will help me de-stress or no thank you I haven't got the energy or brain space but thanks for the offer).

Very strange training... Pretty sure that the first rule of conflict resolution is not to call people derogatory names even if you disagree with their behaviour. "Bulldozer"? "Doormat"? I can't believe NHS commissioned this company. I had conflict resolution training many times in my role and have never come across this. I also teach effective communication sessions and we don't use terms like that. We talk about communication styles without the need to be condescending. On that basis, I would disregard the training entirely and bring this up with the organiser.

Any conflict resolution training that suggests that there's only one way to resolve a given conflict is not good training.

Choosing a personal example certainly got the discussion going but not I think in a helpful way; just a distraction from the principles involved.

I don't blame you for being a little annoyed.

Agree it should be personal choice.

However, I'm surprised that an NHS trainer is advising going out when you're knackered. It would worry me about the potential for mistakes if my healthcare professional had ignored their own body and gone on a night out when they were already exhausted and then likely come in the next day still exhausted before even starting a heavy shift.

It’s a scenario to spark discussion because any answer could be potentially the right answer

They light the touch paper by saying the partner is more important than the working person
which would piss off the room full of working people it’s deliberately inflammatory to spark discussion . like the comment about bad stressful days at work in the NHS are for worse than bad days at work for non NHS people that ultimately piss off the rest of us not working for the NHS we too have horrendous days at work

whoever gets there own way is the bulldozer and whoever backs down is passive irrespective who it is

I'll be honest, if I came home to someone offering to treat me to a meal out, I'd be fine!
Assuming no young kids to see to, I'd be pleased to unwind over a meal and glass of wine.

should go along to the meal because you value your relationship with your DH/in laws

A huge assumption there about the in-laws (trainer obviously not a Mumsnetter 😃)

Seriously, regarding the DH, more context would be needed - is there general give-and-take in the relationship, or is it always you having to 'suck it up' while he does what he likes?

It was a daft scenario for the trainer to pick given that family situations are so nuanced and what might be the fair, adult thing to do in one marriage would be 'doormat' behaviour in another, and 'bulldozer' behaviour in yet another!

I think it depends on how you recharge your batteries. Some do this with other people, some on their own. I think it’s ok to put your needs first on this occasion, whichever way you feel.

How is it bulldozing to assert some self care? The training is floored and designed to turn everyone into “yes” people . Eventually everyone burns out and goes off sick - stupid.

The nuances don’t actually matter. Ie, One person saying they would love to go out after work was not the scenario given here. The scenario is person A preferring to rest and being guilted out of it and told to suck it up. Doesn’t matter the relationships or the reasons, person B is essentially convincing Person A to put their own needs aside, purely for the benefit of themselves/further outside parties (in this example, in laws). The wife would only be ‘bulldozing’ if she insisted the husband also not attend the dinner and perhaps some other demands too.

I dunno, I think I’d easily believe the person giving this example had some misogyny. Wives must put themselves aside for their husbands and in-laws and if they don’t they are bulldozing? Bulldozing by… insisting they rest after a hard day working in a hospital!? Eeeeeesh.

You are right, you come home and say NICELY - oh, what a lovely idea, but I am so tired, I literally can't muster any energy/strength tonight, but you go. And if the husband is nice, he would say 'I shall tell my parents'. And if the parents are nice, they would say 'absolutely no problem, but we would still love to take you two out, which day should we go?' And you go when it suits everyone.

I work in the public sector and every single trainer I’ve come across has been totally useless.
A waste of time and money.
I hope they gave you an evaluation sheet and you put down how useless they were. The last few training sessions I’ve attended have stopped handing them out, wonder why 😂

.

Very scathing responses to the idea of managers having any training. As a Civil Servant I can confirm that management training over the decades has improved enormously and reduced the ability of bullying types to operate without consequence.

Our ‘difficult conversations’ training is e-learning so low cost. It has been helpful for the less confident managers to give them basic tools for confronting difficult behaviour: stick to the facts, give time to respond, be clear about consequences etc.

I think some people just hate public servants so much on principle they hate the idea of investing any development and non operational time on them. It’s not as if we get fancy offices or free coffee or a Christmas bonus. Ridiculous to think managers shouldn’t have training either.

“…now imagine it’s not your DH but it’s your manager and they’ve asked you to come in for a double shift. Remember you don’t really need rest, the hospitals needs are greater than yours. Right…”

Have we gone back to the 1950s where the wife must be submissive and do what her husband wants or the 'marriage won't last very long'? Why on earth was a work trainer using home scenarios that they know nothing about to illustrate work training? The training sounds pretty shit to me. If it was an abusive marriage the springing the dinner by the husband and in laws could have been bulldozing behaviour. The trainer should have used the hypothetical situations to encourage discussion but not to try and insist on a right answer when no actual context is known.

I think it’s a stupid scenario and makes the trainer look a bit thick.
Who would not posses a mobile phone in this instance or any means of communication? Everyone can spend 10 seconds messaging their oh and asking them if this is ok.
We are not talking about two retired 95 year olds here.
Of course working in a hospital you are not going to go straight out in your workwear without showering, putting on clean clothes, maybe washing and drying your hair etc etc.
Having said that then it would be a nice idea, but in the workers situation preferring not to go is fine.
It’s also fine to put your own wants/desires/needs above everyone else’s.
This trainer sounds more like a relationship coach, trying to get couples on the verge of breakdown to appreciate each other.

The weirdest thing for me about this scenario is describing your need for rest as 'low value'. Why is this low value?

Whether someone would go to this imaginary meal or not completely depends on so many things, so i don't think there's a right or wrong answer. But I do think prioritising your own needs sometimes is essential.

Thankfully this isn't something my husband would do, and my (genuinely lovely) in laws don't live anywhere near us. So not a scenario I'm ever likely to come up against 🤣

I'd simply say sorry I'm just too exhausted, please go ahead and have a great evening and explain to in laws I'd love to see them when I have more energy.

No need to go into "it's not fair" as I'm sure they meant well (unless it's a frequent occurrence, in which case have a conversation when you're less tired).

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer. For me it would depend on a few things.

Firstly, it would depend on my relationship with my in-laws. If they're part of my inner circle of people I can relax and be myself around, then fine. Give me ten minutes to sort myself out and I'll be there. But if they're people I see less frequently, and I feel I have to be on my best behaviour around them, I'd sooner my spouse went without me.

Secondly, just how bad am I feeling? I have a headache, but is it a mild-ish tension headache that will vanish once I relax a bit with loved ones (assuming PILs are in that category)? Or a splitting need-to-lie-down-in-a-darkened-room job?

Also, where is the meal? Is it a casual local bistro I can get to in ten minutes, have a quick steak-frites and be home for an early night? Or is it in the city half an hour away, where everyone will order three courses and I'll be propping my eyelids open with matchsticks desperate for my much-needed sleep?

After a crap day I'd be absolutely delighted at the thought I didn't have to cook or think about anything. I could just relax enjoy a nice meal out without the washing up brilliant

As a senior manager and a tax payer, I say what a waste of public money and if this how the NHS is spending our money, it absolutely deserves to be taken apart brick by brick and soul by soul.

@OpalAnt I'd say, if someone likes the idea of going out, they go. If they don't, they don't. Please evaluate what you got from that training and draw it constructively to senior management, focusing on the lack of return on investment.

Ah, think I can now see why a female partner not going along with her male partner's plans was so unacceptable. Lessons in patriarchy, ladies? Join in, you all know the words!

I actually think you really need context for this as others have said. And it's a bit like watching Home Alone or some other film where the existence of mobile phones has now made the plot pointless. A message would obviously have made a crucial difference.

I would say take what was useful from the session, and take the rest with a pinch of salt. You sound like a sensible manager.