To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

I always wonder on these posts what does school look like for 3-4 year olds in the UK? At that point here they’re in preschool or daycare. They’re maybe just starting to do letters and write their name. It’s more about socialisation, life skills and learning to do group things.

I read somewhere that it doesn’t matter if you start reading at 3 or 7, at 8 you’ll be at the same level.

Also as someone who had a kid who refused to poop on the potty for a very long time after wee training, despite being offered the world, and every trick in the world used. I get it, it is SO frustrating. He’ll get there, just not on your timeline. Same with dressing himself. Though if he can do it and just doesn’t want to I wouldn’t worry. Help him. He won’t be asking for your help still when he’s 16 and will undoubtedly be much more willing if it’s a teacher asking.

Yep! This!

Please don't panic. My eldest was the exact same about poo when he started, it was a phobia for him. I spoke to school and said I was really worried about him starting. They were so helpful and agreed we could take a bag of supplies to school that they kept discreetly for him but most days he held on until he came home. We didn't pressure and he naturally started using the toilet while in reception.

You have six months which is ages but you can always defer him too for a year.

Youre doing everything right- don't overthink it

I have a 11 year old ASD daughter that has never slept through the night (yes I’m exhausted) doesn’t look like anything will change any time soon.

Just wanted to say firstly that you are a great parent and please give yourself a break.

You are thinking about all of this and doing everything you can. There’s some good advice on here about poo (ERIC and apps).

Look, you’re going to get three types of response here, because there are three ways this can go:

1. there’s still plenty of time and it will all work out fine in time for school, they’ll change/surprise you
2. defer a year
3. so what if he’s behind, someone always is , and they’re going to grow up and be a perfectly fine human being

All of these are possible and are happening all the time to people. We can’t tell which it will be for your son.

It’s really hard with an only child or your eldest because you haven’t really got anything to compare it to.

Ultimately, I would say trust yourself, have confidence in yourself as a parent and make your decision. Defer or not.

Then continue supporting your child as you are but try (god knows this is easier said than done) to stop worrying.

Because if it’s 1 or 3, he is going in September. That is that. You are doing your best. Stop worrying.

if it’s 2. Take a deep breath, make the choice now, based on your instincts, which are absolutely fine by the way, take steps required (book nursery for next year, defer school place). But then Stop worrying.

We had all the worries/issues you have.
i particularly noticed that your DS is very bright and has a great memory for things. Same with ours. It was commented on by people. But he wasn’t where other children were in terms of development/capability. By the way, I was also like you as a child. I was a winter-born girl, capable, top of the class, no issues (what an easy life-eh!)

There’s absolutely no reason at all this will happen to you, but our experience was that we made choice 4.

We sent him to school. Then by year 2 realised he needed to go back a year (school agreed and totally on board). He’s fine. It was the right thing to do, but every day I wish I’d just deferred him a year/started a year later, because he’s been moved out of his year group and it still bothers him now (y6).

You sound like a great parent. You are engaged with all of this and trying very hard. You CAN force these things BUT you don't need to and should not. Seven months is a very long time in the life of a three year old. If, nearing the time, he really isn't ready, as others said you can delay school. It doesn't sound like you will need to though. He knows when he needs to poo,he's just avoidant of doing it on the loo. He won't have an accident at school even if nothing changes (which it probably will). He probably knows how to get dressed too, it'll come right.

You've also got some really harsh responses here which are our of proportion to the situation you are describing or seem related to general views of parenting being on its way to hell in a handcart - you sound great, give yourself some credit :)

We’ve just been through this with my daughter’s potty training - she was withholding wee and poo and hugely distressed. The ERIC charity is helpful. The game changer for us was a trip to the gp for paediatric movicol and senna which she takes every evening. Shes now pooing in the toilet at home and nursery!
also check out the “oh crap” poop withholding course. Good luck! It’s a horrible thing for the kid and the parents

I would try not to worry about the poo or clothes things until it’s a bit warmer, give yourself a break. Lighter clothes are much easier to get on and off - T-shirts, shorts, joggers etc. My health visitor years ago told me to start practising dressing with pyjamas as they were easy to get on and off and there was usually a bit more time around bedtime rather than when rushing to get out in the morning. If you know he is ready to poo, he could try blowing bubbles while he sits on the toilet - I’m not exactly sure on how it works but it relaxes muscles and does work for lots of kids. Apparently singing can do the same thing.
Developmentally, you would be surprised how many changes the next six months bring. I’m sure he will be where he needs to be by school, try not to pressure yourself too much, you will both be fine.

I would defer. I deferred my daughter who would've been starting a month before her 5th birthday. She is now in P3 (Scotland) and so glad I did.

If someone has bills to pay how do you suggest they do that without working?

Your DS sounds very similar to my DS!

DS is now almost 6 and in year 1. DS is probably the smallest in his class and cried at every drop off for nursery. We were expecting school to be hellish. Something clicked however and he was actually much happier going to school than he ever was going to nursery.

Getting dressed was also similar and he would still rather we did everything for him, though he can now do it himself if he wants to. At his school they go to school in their PE kits on PE days so there's no getting changed, I think that's fairly standard now so maybe you're so is similar?

Re the withholding, this was a huge issue for us. We were told by the GP to take it at his pace and to try to make as little deal about it as possible as the more of a thing you make about it the worse it can get. GP suggested trying to sit on the toilet after meals for 15 minutes with no pressure to actually do anything. This did eventually help. The app Poo Goes to Pooland was also helpful. ERIC also have a helpful helpline.

My DS has changed so much since starting school and being in a school environment has actually improved lots of the things he was finding difficult.

Six months is a very long time when you're three and a half. You're doing a great job and he will get there.

Don’t worry, OP! My summer born boy is now in Y2 and still has never pooed at school (doesn’t like the loos there) - he just goes when he gets home. He’s never had an accident at school. He also, given half a chance, will have me get him dressed in the morning (such a contrast to his little sister who insists on doing it herself - boys in my experience are naturally lazy!) but is fine getting changed for PE and after school
clubs at school. He still can’t do laces but we just have Velcro shoes and slip on football boots.

Your son sounds fine, and there are still months to go before school starts - they really do change a lot in that time. Don’t waste your precious time with him worrying about this. Consider deferral if you think it’s the right thing for him but I wouldn’t do so just because of what you’ve said here. PP saying children start school too early in this country forget that in other countries children are still in a kindergarten/ nursery environment even if they are not doing formal learning and are often expected to be toilet trained, dressing themselves etc. in that setting - for example in France children must be toilet trained at 3 before starting la maternelle (nursery).

Wait a year. Boys are often developmentally behind girls.

It’s 8 months away - 3/4 of a year! Don’t let worry spoil a huge amount of time. Speak to school during transition in 6+ months time if no progress

You have a choice. School is not childcare.

We don't have much choice most parents need to work full time to afford to live so they would be in nursery if they aren't in school as people can't afford to take years off to stay home.

I find it crazy how many 4 year olds aren't toilet trained now. There was a story about it on bbc news. Lazy parents. My ds is summer born and always needed a push to do things independently but he's 4 and toilet trained!

Honestly, I used to panic like this with my first but relaxed more over time. Now I realise that their emotional needs and happiness are more important. He won’t get to 18 and still not be able to dress himself. It will come.

I have a 13 year old who is so independent and sensible she could go off and live by herself now and an 11 year old who cant do shoe laces and comes into my bed every night despite being an academically high flyer.

it will come. Don’t panic

I would also defer school start if you have the option though. We should have done that for my DS and it's been rubbish for him struggling to cope for years at school.

There's an article in the Times Education Supplement saying that the post-covid cohort of kids starting reception are struggling with this stuff across the board. It says some kids have had so much screen time and isolation time indoors that they don't have the core strength to sit up on the carpet to listen to a story.

Honestly, it sounds to me as though the OP is well ahead of the game here, given the challening circumstances that her child has been born into.

Well done OP.

Totally agree.

We did this with our summer born who, gently, was 'further on' than your DC in some ways. They're in year 1 now and absolutely thriving at school, I'm so thankful I had the confidence to go with my gut and do that for them.

This. A million times, this!

@GirlfromtheNorthLondonCountry
Have you had problems reading the OP?
@NightFeeds IS parenting her child and very diligently too. She’s putting a lot of thought and effort into getting him “school ready”
(completely made up concept) and is trying her very best. In fact so much so that she’s now focussed on not upsetting his future teachers rather than enjoying her time with her son.
He wouldn’t have to go to school in a nappy, he would poo when he got in, clearly.

@NightFeeds I remember being upset dd wasn’t potty trained at 2 3/4. She had some check up at the doctors and I mentioned it. His advice was: don’t mention it to her. Don’t talk about it. Say nothing. Use a nappy and don’t speak when toy change it. For a month or two. Dead on 3 she was dry and clean all the time. Yes, a girl but they do get there. I’d probably refuse the nappy after Easter though. At weekends! You cannot let him always dictate this.

Ditto with dressing. No dressing no going out. Use this when it’s his treat. Not something you must do. Get him to choose his clothes thd night before and say you have a new game. Beat the clock at getting dressed. School might want this done anyway - of course he might be ok for pe at school. Maybe he would like to be like everyone else but doesn’t have 3 year old role models. Does he want to please you? Make if clear you you will delighted with him if he gets dressed. Start to say there’s less time to do X if he takes too long. Start introducing consequences.

If he’s bright, don’t put him down a year. He’s ruling the roost and he’s clearly bright enough for school but he knows how to press your buttons. So ignore it. Stay quiet and start dime consequences of not getting dressed.

I'm a mum in my early 60s. No child in my class or my sons class could not effectively use a toilet and dress/undress themselves at school age. Parenting needs to get back to the basics, kids don't learn these things on a mobile phone or a tablet.