To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

Why is he going to school so early, seems absolutely crazy! For all the reasons you mention...

Op I really feel for you! My ds has just turned 4 and I have had the thought that I wouldn’t have known what to do if he had been summer born. After a couple of false starts, started potty training at just before 3 and by nearly 4 was still having poo accidents. I found it frustrating and isolating- how did my NCT group manage to do it when I felt like a failure? I actually came on to mumsnet too for advice and glad to see a lot of the same great advice i got. I personally found the ERIC website particularly helpful. I would also recommend making a GP appointment. Although we never took any medical action, it was great to hear that this is not uncommon and there were different treatments available including movicol and medication.

remember that you have a lot of time before nursery starts! He’s development sounds perfectly normal for his age and you sound like really engaged parents. The PP poster who said your not dropping him off to uni in a nappy made me laugh and I do find myself remembering that! It’s what I told me mother in law when ds at 15 months wouldn’t drink from an open cup - I said he wasn’t going to be sat at his wedding with a sippy cup!

good luck op - and remember you are not alone!

Oh op you just need to calm down about this!! Mine starts school in September too. Admittedly he is already 4 but we don't stress out about getting him to dress himself in the morning before nursery. We do it because it's quicker. He can dress himself and does it most of the time before bed when there isn't any time pressure.

Can you make getting dressed into a game when there is no time pressure? I pretended my hands were trapped and he had to get an item of clothes on to set them free for instance.

The toileting thing seems to just be a thing some children do with poos. One of my friend's children had to be seen by a pediatrician and given laxatives and it's taken a year for her to start pooing on the toilet. What time of day does he poo? Can you try to move it so it isn't in school hours? Most likely he will do that himself as he won't go into school in a nappy and is competent witholder so will likely save it for when he's home?

Sounds like he's coming along very well on the academic front. I think they're all really different on that and at this age just follow their interests? For example mine knows all the alphabet and numbers, can perform simple maths but still won't hold a pencil properly and his writing/drawing seems way behind some of his peers who can write words now and draw pictures that actually look like things. I'm trying not to worry about that! His nursery teacher said to do lots of play dough to help with that and build up finger strength.

Mine also massively struggles to sit still when he's bored and it's hard not to go down an adhd rabbit hole thanks to mumsnet. But he can do play dough or lego contentedly for a long time.

The idea of sending a four year old to school is insane full stop. Most of Europe starts kids at the age of 6 or 7 and they don't have to waste any time toilet training.

He sounds like a 3.5 year old. I’m aghast anyone is entertaining the idea that he’s “behind” because he can’t dress himself etc. There is nothing you’ve described half a year before entry that isn’t typical for a reception aged child.

And yet it was a teacher earlier up in this thread, who advised the OP not to defer….

Wow. What a nasty, judge post. From the OP it sounds like she is very much parenting her child and asking for some support on how to help her child be ready for school, which is over 6 months away!

He sounds quite like my now 17 year old (not the nappy bit but everything else).

I watched a video of him the other day just before he started school and I was shocked by how babyish he seemed and ‘behind’ where he
should have been. He too cried every single day at nursery and his speech wasn’t great at all.

He’s a very late summer baby and just wasn’t ready. In hindsight I may have kept him back if that was the normal thing to do but now I’m glad I didn’t.

He’s now in Upper sixth having passed his GCSEs and is going to uni in September . Not bragging but just wanting to say they do get there in the end!

Honestly, my 8 and 9 year old still want me to lie next to them in bed (and get into bed with me). My youngest wasn't potty trained until 3 and wouldn't wipe himself until he was nearly 6 - I was also worried about school but he told me he wouldn't go in school and didn't (he still doesn't now).

Kids will get dressed on their own in school because all their peers are - I was so worried about this with my youngest as he insisted he couldn't do it but turns out he just wanted me to do it. Nursery will let you know if there are any concerns as they do loads in the run up to leaving.

Please don't ruin your last few months with him, he will get it I promise.

Because a lot of us parents realise a teacher of 30 is not going to cope with a 4 year old who needs 'extra' care such as help with the bathroom or help to get their coats on. If your child simple isn't ready it is kinder to keep them behind than send them into an environment they won't cope in.
Plus, 30hr nursery funding is still available for the whole year if you defer you child so financially it works for a lot of families

*sorry meant pooing on the toilet, no idea why it changed to poking 😅

Why is Mumsnet so insistent on children deferring a year? I know is permitted (usually) but doesn’t mean it’s always possible. An extra year of nursery fees could be a huge struggle for some parents, maybe they budgeted that there would be some financial freedom with school etc and planned accordingly, and don’t have the means to continue an extra £1000 (or more) per month. Also - a lot of nurseries are not taking differed children or keeping children after school age for numbers, or because they already have pre-booked places and waiting lists etc, (I know mine could not have kept DS if we had deferred) so it could even mean a change of nursery, which is just as disruptive. Some nurseries are even more “independence led” than some receptions in the UK and some receptions are even more nurture and play based than some nurseries. Also, legally most nurseries in England and Wales are not allowed to take children past 5, so once your child turns 5, they may be without a nursery or school place for a couple of months if you have a May or June child, until September, which for working parents would cause difficulty. It’s not always as simple as deferring.

anyway, rant over.

OP, I think you should ease off a bit, and focus on his strengths to build his confidence and then try again with the dressing and poking on the toilet, wiping himself etc around May or June - kids don’t need 8 months to learn these things and once they crack it, it’s quick progression!

If his birthday is April or later you have the option to ask for him to start reception in Sept '26 instead. This is what I am doing with my now 3½ year old as she won't be school ready by September. My daughter is going to thrive with another year at Nursery (30hrs funding is still available if that would be of concern to you). Maybe it is an option you can consider so it doesn't feel rushed to get him ready for September

They can defer for a year and go into reception with the year below .
They do not have to join year 1.
Happens all the time. You need to check with the school if they’ll do this. Most do, it just isn’t that well known.

They don’t go to school at age 3-4 in the UK, that’s pre-school/nursery year. They got at 4-5 and start in reception year, it’s mainly play based, similar to nursery with a little bit more structured learning around phonics and reading. It’s a great introductory year where they tend to make huge progress but still get lots of play and outside time, rather then being thrown straight into formal learning at age 5-6. My summer born started reception this school year and has thrived.

Not into Yr1, into Reception. The regulations changed 7? 8? Years ago.

His drawing and letters are scores ahead of my 3.5 year old! You're doing all of the right stuff and he'll be ready when he's ready so don't worry, I'd be surprised if he doesn't develop the skills in the next 6 months. Even where he is now will be har ahead of some of the other kids in reception

Ah, i didn't realise that- just googled it!

He would then go straight into year 1 though. It would be better to start in Reception either part-time or in January (or both) while they still have a lot of learning through play.

Yeah honestly, they work on this with them
In reception

Reception is just a slightly more formal nursery

My DD was similar with potty training. Trained to use the toilet for wees at around 3 1/2 but would only poo in her bedtime nappy for ages. One day it just changed and she started to poo on the toilet. We didn't really push this, just encouraged her to try occasionally. As other have said, a lot can change in 6 months. My DD was only just 4 when she started school. There are several in her class, older and younger, having the odd toilet accident still but she hasn't yet, so to be honest you never know what they're going to be like! However school is very understanding of how young they are, at least ours is.

Being able to get himself dressed will be more important than any academic skills I would say, as school will handle all that. So I would focus on that more.

i think deferring should be a last resort if they’re really struggling not just with dressing and loo.

They’d be celebrating birthdays a year ahead of classmates. And there’s a danger of comparing … you’d expect your child to be ahead of his peers if he’s older but that wouldn’t necessarily be the case.

Totally agree with @BG2015. I felt like this about my DD starting last September and she's flourishing now. The first year they play a large proportion of the time so it's not that different to nursery.

My DD had issues with constipation and I really feared we would have to send her in nappies occasionally when things were bad. Luckily we didn't have to as things improved close to September, but we were very surprised to find that by Christmas she no longer had constipation issues. I think this was down to her seeing other children using the toilets and realising it was not scary.

OP make sure the school have footstools/steps in the toilets. We found my DD was avoiding using the toilet because she couldn't physically get on it. We told her to mention it and they put one in there. She wasn't the only tiny kid so others must have also been struggling. She's the same size as her 2yr old brother who is also small for his age.

Buy the easy dressing versions of the uniform if he's struggling with clothes. Velcro fastening polo shirts and school shirts etc. My DD only does PE once a week if they have time, so it's not likely he'll be needing to dress/undress often anyway. The kids help each other with buttons etc.

I remember nursery talking a lot on their comms newsletter about core strength and getting them ready for sitting still for long periods. I always thought they were overblowing it until I saw the news article yesterday about kids that can't sit on a carpet 🤯.

If he's able to sit still and you say he's compliant etc I really don't think he'll struggle at all and deferring him might be to his detriment.

They don't expect them to be able to read and write at 4 (I remember nearly 40yrs ago getting into trouble at school for being able to write independently and not writing over what the teacher had written in yellow, so it's not suddenly become low expectations). My DD is doing fine and school learning suits her better as she really doesn't like learning anything from us, she's very resistant to us trying. She's in the average group at school which we're happy with and is excited to learn new letters and sounds. We're so glad we didn't defer her.

Mine was always fine with poos but constantly wet herself

Even after starting school, there were a few accidents but it didn't last long

They adapt pretty quickly

That's for the children that started September 2024.

They were born during covid lockdown and as a result they and their parents bore the result of social isolation and lack of services to promote the health and development of children. Health visitors were redeployed and not doing visits, no children's centre, no baby/toddler groups.

Op child was born after all the lockdowns.

You can apply for a child to start on Reception at compulsory school age I.e. the term after they are 5 (not 4). They don't have to allow it.