To be so worried about school readiness that I’m struggling to enjoy the last months before school

I am a nursery child from continental Europe. I was 15 months old when I went to nursery. I promise you, I was not toilet trained at that age. You are right, that we do toilet train kids earlier than Brits. But that is a slightly separate argument from expecting them to start school at the age of 4.

No, but in these countries children don’t stay at home until six - they are in kindergarten / nursery or similar where they often are expected to be toilet trained (I gave the example earlier of France where children must start nursery school - la maternelle - at three and are expected to be trained before then). In many countries we Brits are considered to be fairly late to train our kids - my French MIL was expecting us to start DS1 as soon as he turned two and was horrified when I said we were waiting as he was nowhere near getting it.

Agree with all those saying that you are doing a great job so far. And yes- such a lot changes in 7 months for very young children. Cast your mind back to when he was 3 and consider how much he has changed since then!

I have a lot of experience on this topic actually. I have one in school (used to be in nursery a couple years ago) and one in nursery now.

the nursery we use informed my DS’s friend’s parents they would not legally be able to have him past 5, and due to waiting lists and needing the places, they would not be able to offer a full time space for their child if he stayed on with them. They told us this as they were considering, in the end they did not defer and their dc started along with my DS. I also work as a children’s social worker, and I know a fair bit about children’s needs and development. I haven’t once been hard on the OP, Please don’t say have no experience.

@NightFeeds you could look at a preschool within a school.

Its a great transition as they often wear uniform and it’s a school feel, school hours etc and they do a bit of phonics but importantly get to spend another year playing.

My DD as I said is November born and learned to fully read and write at her preschool - she certainly wasn’t bored (so many people say they couldn’t defer as their child would be bored, it’s a load of rubbish).

Agreed. My summer born DC was one of the last intake that was half days till Easter. If he had been a year younger he would had been full time from September and it t would have been an utter disaster. Some manage it at that age, some don't.

But I accept if your circumstances don't allow you to keep them home for another year then it's a bit difficult.

@NightFeeds Also please do not believe all summer born dc struggle at school. My DDs really thrived at School. Mid August and May birthdays. They didn’t get lower results in anything. So if he’s ok for YR in every other way, go with it. My DDs would have been truly bored staying at nursery. They had done the pre YR curriculum. In those days it was phonics. Y1 is only an issue if dc really haven’t settled into reading and other skills. My DDs enjoyed books and reading so why hold them back due to a birth date?

Deferring means starting reception a year later. The DfE guidance and research is very clear that the majority of summer born children who start school at 4 do worse their peers all the way up to and including GCSE level.

Reception year is not normally the problem
for these children. It when they hit year 1 and learning become a lot more formal that they struggle.

If I had a summer born boy I would defer without a question.

The difference between my May born boy and November born girl was not the 6 months that it actually is but more like about 2 years in terms of school readiness - and my DS is bright, had been fully toilet trained since 2 and could dress himself and read before he started school - still my DD just in a different league in terms of desire and ability to focus and learn, and in particular to write.

Id also say that 7 months is massive for a 3.5 yo and progress isn’t linear so don’t stress as so much will come naturally as he gets older - I’m sure he will be toilet trained by Sept (though I’d still defer).

Also - why does he need to dress himself? Schools don’t normally make them change for PE these days. Mine are well able but I still help them in the mornings sometimes at 6 and 4 because it’s just quicker!

Edited to add: reception is play-based still so not such a shock to summer borns - but the approach and vibe changes completely in year 1 and better to have that shift come at 6 than only just 5.

I have a summer born son who is in reception. He is thriving, loving it and I can't believe how much his reading and writing has developed already (he could only write his name before starting school). You still have several months and he'll develop a lot in that time, especially with nursery helping with getting them ready for school too. I think you're putting far to much pressure on being able to get dressed, just keep helping and practicing. The more you get stressed and frustrated probably the less likely he'll be willing to try.

There is nothing to indicate this child won't be fully trained in 6 months. The issue in children going in untrained is 5 and 6 year olds starting in nappies with parents not even having attempted training not 4 year olds having occasional accidents. The other disadvantage of keeping a child in nursery is that they will be the oldest in a setting not set up to support them re doing what they did last year

They don’t need to start until they are 5 ( term after) it’s a shame more parents don’t take that option.

Starting school at 4. ??

So soon, all mine were 6, were fine as had nursery before.

Don't know why kids go to school so young ,you're in England I guess?

YR is the EYFS curriculum but not toilet trained dc are such a drain on resources. Back in the day a morning pre school would not take not toilet trained dc at 3. Now we think 4 is ok?

Childrrn do develop at different rates. If the DS likes the idea of books and reading then he should do it. Many dc compartmentalise learning. They don’t learn at the same speed. My summer born dc were not the babies of the class and could do what others did. It’s a huge mistake to believe a child not reading at 7 in this country will catch up. That’s for the birds. I can assure other countries will teach the foundation of reading before that and dc who want to read early, will do! No child is held back.

The OP has 7 months. That’s more than enough time to firstly back off. Then restart from Easter. Clothes can be pull on and pull off. He will get that over the summer.

Clearly you don't have any experience on this topic. The funded hours for childcare continue so it wouldn't be £1k a month in fees. That being said, I appreciate there could well be a financial barrier anyway, particularly for children who attend full- time.

Not sure what you mean by 'a lot of nurseries are not taking deferred children' - perhaps it depends on location but where I am it's generally not an issue. That being said I agree that as much notice needs to be given as possible as you are correct that in some places where spaces are booked up 1+ yrs in advance, the nursery might not be able to keep the place if they hadn't planned to.

Also no idea what you mean by nurseries 'legally' not being able to take children once they turn 5 - that's not true, what law are you talking about? I know a few children who turned 5 in June or July and stayed at their nursery without issue until September. Compulsory school age is the start of the term after the child turns 5, not the day after they turn 5!

I also agree it's not 'always simple', as sadly it does depend on your location how easy it is to organise. But for the vast majority of people in England it is doable if parents believe it's in their child's best interest to do so. You even acknowledged as much in your opening sentences?

The reception year is an extension of nursery and still comes under the EYFS it's very much about preparing children to learn...building the physical and social skills through play.

Dts august born, should have been born in the October had similar dressing issues. I just got them dressed in the mornings. Funnily enough they managed it at school for PE. Buttons often wonky skirts back to front but they managed.

As pp said six months is a long time in terms of development at that age.

Mine is 4 months in reception and still is incontinent of poo luckily only two accidents at school
can dress himself but won’t
but he was otherwise ready for school
please don’t stress he will pick up on the pressure
you are doing a great job

I work with this age group OP and I think you should stop worrying but also keep up the hard work. Children always take the piss out of parents in one form or another and we see it all the time when a child pretends they can't do things at home but can do it in school or nursery. For example we tell the children they need to get shoes and coats on for outside play time and if they don't get ready they can't play. Guess what, they all can get ready. Some genuinely struggle with aspects zips for example, and get help, but mostly if they motivate themselves they can do it. We constantly see parents shocked at what they can do themselves. We have only a 3 hour session and only 1 child ever poos during the morning, so if he can time his bowel movements he will be OK. If he gets caught out he will be able to go if he is in discomfort, he doesn't reach that level of discomfort at home so again, motivation is the issue.

Fwiw I would hold him back the year.

Loads of children won’t poo at school so I wouldn’t worry about that. Turn dressing into a game e.g. can he get his socks on before mummy puts hers on (making sure he wins). If you joke about it in a ‘Oh no! Help Mummy as she has put her trousers on her head by mistake’ kind of way, it will take the stress out of it and he will see it as fun. He doesn’t have to do it every day, he just has to be at a stage where he is capable of dressing when he needs to.

Preschool worker here. He doesn't need to know how to read or write they do that in F2. There isnt an expectation that he will already know.
Re the toileting put a nappy open in a potty and have him sit on that. Some children don't like the feeling of the poo coming away from them (very experienced colleague told me this!) so start with the nappy in the potty so it's still like he's going on the nappy.

It's ages away in terms of his life so far!

Think how much he has come on in the previous 7 months.

(A lot of children don't poo in school anyway, they go before or after)

This is when they start school in the UK. He will start just after his 4th birthday in reception

Also just too add mine still has us with him to go to sleep and has recently started coming into our bed at night half the time. I think that's normal?

He also isn't dry at night, sometimes has dry nights. The 4 year olds I know who are dry are the ones who need very little sleep which I think makes it easier? The kids I know who are epic sleepers and slept amazing as babies still don't have dry nights at all.