To not want to go and stay with my friend when her marriage is in trouble?

Thai is also what I would do. Be direct and compassionate and really show up for her.

Why wouldn’t you just stay there? It’s not about you, it’s about supporting your friend who needs you. Sure, maybe it’ll be a tad awkward if he acts like a dick but you’ll be with your friend and it’s only one or two nights. She is suffering through a relationship breakdown and living with him every day. I’m really surprised that so many people on here wouldn’t help out their friend in that situation.

Exactly this. It's not your place to make yourself uncomfortable. You can't do this for her. It would be a really codependent thing to do and bad for you. You've offerred reasonable alternatives which already would cost you time and effort and money. This stuff is hard. I would love to rescue people but you shouldn't do stuff for people that they can do for themselves. It only ends up generating resentment. It's an uncomfortable position to put you in because you care. Probably more than her husband does.

Why are you worried she'll tell him? It seems unlikely seeing as it would mean he'd know she's complained about him to you! Even if he does know you don't like him, so what?

Surely that would mean that you could never go to her house again if she had told her husband what you think about him?

Does her partner make it difficult for her to leave the house? Is that why she wants you to stay with her?

Seems like something an abuser would do, make it difficult for a partner to see friends outside the home and then act hostile when anyone visits so that partner ends up with no friends.

I have the same situation currently, my friend would love me to stay but since she told me what has been going on I just can't. I can't face seeing or looking her husband in the eye. I have stayed near her and she has come to me. I was open and told her I just couldn't face being in the same house or having to talk to him

I think you should tell your friend that you're happy to come and see her but that you will stay in a hotel as you don't feel that her husband is welcoming and it is too awkward to stay at her home. If she's a good friend surely she would be understanding and wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable. If she's not happy with that then I'm afraid she's not a good friend.

I would tell her straight - I want to visit and support you but would prefer not to stay with you - things are difficult for you and me physically staying in the house is not likely to help. And just stick to it - you are being understanding of why she can't /won't come to you and she needs to be the same with you. It is either stay near by or not stay at all.

If she's trying to use you as a human shield, I wouldn't be so sure about that.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to not go stay in her home. But you should tell your friend why and present options you are ok with unless you want her to think you're pushing her away.

"[Friend], I would love to have some in-person time with you and daughter] but truthfully I just don't feel comfortable staying in your home around [husband]. I'd be happy to come visit and stay in a hotel nearby and of course I would love if you and [daughter] came to stay with me." If she dithers about those ask directly if she's worried about her husband trying to stop her going to visit you.

How can she not understand you don’t want to stay with them after what she has told you….bizarre, most people wouldn’t want to stay in a household like that, she is being unreasonable.
Explain this to her and either stay in a hotel or don’t go at all.

I wonder what her thinking is that she so desperately wants you to stay there, is it so you can witness his behaviour and possibly then be a witness in court in the future if it gets to that

You seem to be sending lots of people very passive aggressive messages on different forums @devastatedagain .You’re clearly not happy. Maybe try doing something to work on yourself? Having a go at people of Mumsnet isn’t going to sort that

You need to protect yourself first. It is reasonable to want to support your friend, but you are not her therapist and you are not her buffer. She is being unreasonable to put you in the middle of such an uncomfortable situation and it is fine to tell her so. It is not unreasonable to tell her that you want to visit and support her but will stay in a hotel and she is welcome to stay. They are sensible boundaries.

You should be able to tell her that whilst you love her and want to see her, you feel uncomfortable staying over in the house due to the tension.

If that upsets her then she’s being unreasonable.

It sounds like your friend tends to get her way with you?

Well, you can insist that you’re going to stay in a hotel! You don’t have to stay with her just because she says she prefers that. Just tell her you’ll be coming and staying in a hotel and don’t discuss it if she tries to insist you stay.

What do you want from this thread @Flowers665 ? Genuinely?

You’ve given her good options (staying with you and staying in a hotel).

I don’t think you can be reasonably be asked to do anymore.

It sounds like she wants you in her home as a buffer between her and her husband, or to show him that she has support.

I would only be willing to stay if she said that she needed you to help her move out that weekend. And even then she would need to tell you a plan first.

You don't want to hurt her feelings and tell her that it's difficult for you to stay with her when her other half is so hostile but she won't come and see you and thats ok?

Depends what the “awful” stuff is. Is he violent?

I would never go somewhere I wasn;t wanted.

Can't they just come to you?