Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
KeziaOAP · 30/01/2025 20:38

I would mention you've had numerous texts from ex colleagues asking if you're going and looking forward to seeing you.

Codlingmoths · 30/01/2025 20:37

Tell him to get a babysitter, since you should be invited and nobody who you’re in a relationship with has asked you to look after his kids instead. You’re not a second tier person because HE has kids.

abricotine · 30/01/2025 20:36

This is not nice at all OP. You are not being silly or unreasonable.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/01/2025 20:36

I think you are reasonable to feel left out and wish he'd been more considerate. It was very thoughtless of him not to invite you, though probably not intentionally mean.
You need to tell him you want to go to the party and sort out child care; ideally he would do that, but perhaps he wouldn't get on with it quickly enough. Either paying your older children or finding a babysitter.

Cornishclio · 30/01/2025 20:35

Goodness you are being way too accommodating over this. How dare he just assume you will watch his kids and miss out on a retirement do for a colleague you would otherwise have gone to. I would tell him you are going and he needs to find a babysitter.

BellissimoGecko · 30/01/2025 20:32

YANBU!

What a selfish tool, for not inviting you and for assuming you'd be there to look after HIS kids.

Express your feelings, and ask him to get a babysitter for the kids. You should go!

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 20:32

When is the event? Make sure you're out of the door that night before he is.

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 20:31

Does he often expect you to look after his kids?

Hollietree · 30/01/2025 20:29

I think you need to make this a learning moment. He needs to be politely called out on his selfishness and his presumptions.

Options:

  • Tell him that you will be attending the retirement party to support your ex colleague and so if he wants to attend he needs to organise himself a babysitter for his children (Don’t let him delegate this to you - he books a sitter and pays for them).
  • Or you make other plans for the same evening. Again he is solely responsible for childcare for his children.

You absolutely need to put your foot down and make him realise that you are not his servant or Nanny.

Tweedled · 30/01/2025 20:28

I would be furious about this.
He specifically hasn’t invited you because he needs you to look after HIS children. The cheek of it.
I would be telling him he needs to find a sitter for his kids as you have other plans.

Greenbottle123 · 30/01/2025 20:28

He’s just not that into you

Isthisit22 · 30/01/2025 20:25

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:46

I think 3 dates were thrown around but this particular date was chosen, I will say in he is one of those people who doesn’t check and just commits then deals with the consequences.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

my office is a 10 minute walk away, I haven’t even had a why don’t you call in for an hour on your way home if you want (I work flexi so can finish early, the do starts at 4)

Are you serious? He told you that YOU couldn’t come because you’re watching HIS kids? Don’t be a doormat

AlisonDonut · 30/01/2025 20:24

Chillilounger · 30/01/2025 20:22

Organise a babysitter!

Or maybe he could organise one for his own kids?

pinkyredrose · 30/01/2025 20:24

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

Say what? Surely the solution is that you go? After all he can't make it, he has his children that night.

sandyhappypeople · 30/01/2025 20:23

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

Show quote history

But he's said you're welcome to come, are you sure he's got the kids that night or have you just assumed with it being his normal night?

He hasn't actively invited you but I suspect he wants to go out and have a good time with his mates, which is a different vibe to going out with your mates and your partner.

But he shouldn't have just assumed you would look after the kids... can't you clarify it with him?

Chillilounger · 30/01/2025 20:22

Organise a babysitter!

TeddybearBaby · 30/01/2025 20:21

That’s a shame. Sounds like it would have been a really lovely night for both of you.

I think he sounds a bit dismissive, didn’t bother mentioning it and then just assumed you’d stay with the kids. Not the end of the world but is it a pattern that he can make you feel neglected (if that’s the right word).

Also, do the younger two ever stay with the older two? My 16 year old used to love a bit of baby sitting money.

Inthedeep · 30/01/2025 20:20

Could he pay either your 16 or 15 year old to look after the kids for a few hours? At 16 and 15 they are old enough to keep an eye on an 8 and 10 year old as long as it’s not overnight.

4forksache · 30/01/2025 20:17

Yes yabu to be miffed. I’d be bloody furious. And embarrassed.

Windowsand · 30/01/2025 20:16

Now you know where you stand...the mug that is his au pair.

Unbelievable.
We teach people how to treat us OP and you are his childcare.🙄

Not a chance any woman with self esteem would allow herself be used as a babysitter when her children are beyond that age.

Give your head a wobble OP.

GoodOlePolariod · 30/01/2025 20:15

I absolutely wouldnt put up with that. Tell him he needs to arrange a sitter as you'll be joining him

Pallisers · 30/01/2025 20:14

That is really mean of him. He is using you.

Tell him a friend has offered you tickets for a show that night and you are going so he better sort something out with babysitting.

livelovelough24 · 30/01/2025 20:14

I am sure that the only reason a lot of divorced men with kids start dating or get remarried is so that they can have another women taking care of their children.

ServantsGonnaServe · 30/01/2025 20:13

At best he is a pig.

At worst he is a pig with an agenda. Any mentionitis lately?

Shetlands · 30/01/2025 20:09

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 30/01/2025 19:58

@Bigredchair pretty sure your older two can look after the younger two. toss them money for domino pizzas and throw in a £10 each. they will be fine till 8pm

That would be up to the children's father to negotiate with the teens (who might well have their own plans for a Friday night). Also, what about after 8pm when the children's father goes on to the big night out?