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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
penelopelondon · 30/01/2025 21:06

This sounds like gaslighting,I think there is more to this story and he has something to hide, maybe an office affair ?

Hwi · 30/01/2025 21:05

So he has not proposed to you and you are not married and what preoccupies you is a non-invite to a stupid party? (Sorry, this post has been influenced by a concurrent post 'why do partners have to pay inheritance tax when one of them dies).

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 30/01/2025 21:02

As it's for a relatively short time, perhaps your own kids would be happy to keep an eye on the younger ones for a couple of hours so that you could go along OP? Just a thought.

However, he is definitely being a selfish shit, first in that he didn't even think of checking if you would like to attend. Second, he didn't check if you would mind looking after HIS kids, and third, planning on going for a big night out afterwards, again, without checking that you're happy to mind HIS kids while he does it. Personally, I'd be bloody furious with him, and would refuse point blank to mind them, but then, I won't let a man walk all over me, but you what you've gotta do OP.

longtompot · 30/01/2025 21:02

You can't go to the party because your husband has his kids? Has he actually heard himself when he says that?

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

No, husband. You have your kids on that date, so you can't go. If you want to go to the party you have planned, then you need to either ask me if I would mind looking after them or better still, arrange someone else to look after them so we can both go to it.

This would really piss me off if my dh did this to me. I can only assume that both your families are so well blended, it's just now assumed the other parent will just take over when the blood parent can't do xyz?

Hollietree · 30/01/2025 21:02

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 20:49

Take your 2 kids bowling or to the cinema and make him sort out his own kids. If he says he'd thought you'd have had them tell him you'd have thought you'd have been invited to ex colleagues night.

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Ooooh yes. Make immediate plans to take your 2 kids out that evening. Take all 3 of his presumed (and free) babysitters out of the equation.

It’s not petty. He needs to learn.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2025 20:59

@Onlyonekenobe
Very well put!

Hollietree · 30/01/2025 20:58

Onlyonekenobe · 30/01/2025 20:54

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

100%

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 20:58

Endofyear · 30/01/2025 19:43

Can't your 16 year old babysit for a couple of hours? And he can pay them! I don't see why it's your job to mind his children while he goes out!

It's not OP's teen's job to look after his kids either. He needs to sort it out in advance.

Delphiniumandlupins · 30/01/2025 20:58

You're not unreasonable to be miffed. Why not just tell him you will be out, even if you don't go to the retirement do? He should be making arrangements to look after his children, and that doesn't mean letting you know the day beforehand that he expects you to do it.

Barryplopper · 30/01/2025 20:57

He's a twat, sorry he knew when he arranged it he'd be dumping the responsibility of HIS kids, on you. It's not your problem, it would have been courteous of him to invite you, especially considering you worked there. He's really taking the piss and if it were me I'd be telling him you can't watch the kids.

Gemmawemma9 · 30/01/2025 20:56

Nah fuck that. I’d be beyond miffed I’d be seething.
Make plans with friends and leave him to sort his own childcare.

mathanxiety · 30/01/2025 20:56

Sit him down and ask him has he hired a babysitter yet, because you are going to the do and it's therefore not going to be you.

You have a bigger problem than just this one event, imo.

excelledyourself · 30/01/2025 20:56

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

And you didn't reply with "If you have the kids, how are you planning to be there, and why would that mean I can't go?"

Who exactly does he think he is?!

Retirementsoon · 30/01/2025 20:54

You are definitely being very unreasonable for lots of reasons.

Go to the do.

Onlyonekenobe · 30/01/2025 20:54

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 20:52

Choccyscofffy · 30/01/2025 19:16

You honestly should mind.

Tell him you have plans and won’t be able to watch his kids so he has to have them somewhere else.

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Because you don't mind you allow him to walk all over your needs and feelings OP. You sound too nice for him. He is taking you for granted. I am annoyed on your behalf.

FOJN · 30/01/2025 20:50

Agapornis · 30/01/2025 20:47

Exactly this, surely the 15 and/or 16 year olds could babysit for a bit of cash? I did babysitting for 8-10 year olds at that age, easy money. Obviously he will have to ask them himself.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course the older teenagers could babysit but it's not OP's job to sort it out. The DP has had weeks to do it but didn't because he thinks he can take OP for granted.

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 20:49

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:54

probably should add that my kids are also here but they are 16 and 15 so I would have went if it was just them as they don’t really need looking after, his are 10 and 8

Take your 2 kids bowling or to the cinema and make him sort out his own kids. If he says he'd thought you'd have had them tell him you'd have thought you'd have been invited to ex colleagues night.

caringcarer · 30/01/2025 20:47

I'd be telling him you are going out that night so he'll have to organise a child sitter for his kids. I'd mean it too and go out an hour before he left so he has to sort it for his kids. Even if I just went and had a coffee somewhere. How dare he just assume you'll stay home looking after his kids whilst he goes out having all the fun.

Agapornis · 30/01/2025 20:47

MayaPinion · 30/01/2025 19:17

He could easily pay the older ones to look after his kids - it’s perfectly normal to have babysitting jobs at 15 and 16. I’d be worried there’s some other reason he doesn’t want you to go. Say ‘No worries. My kids are happy to babysit’, and watch his face.

Exactly this, surely the 15 and/or 16 year olds could babysit for a bit of cash? I did babysitting for 8-10 year olds at that age, easy money. Obviously he will have to ask them himself.

Icanflyhigh · 30/01/2025 20:46

BBQPete · 30/01/2025 18:49

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

I'd pick up on that.
"You have your dc, who, when I'm not doing anything else, I don't mind looking after occasionally as you know, but on this occasion I am not available, as I'm going to the do. So, you need to arrange a babysitter".

This!

He's an entitled so and so just assuming you'll mind his DC.

Codlingmoths · 30/01/2025 20:44

dont be passive like this. If you say this, you need to follow it up with it was pretty shit if you to decide I don’t get invited because you’ve planned for me to look after your kids without even asking me. I’ll be going to the party and you need to work something out for your kids. Don’t ever just cut me out of something I should be at again because I’m in a relationship with you.

Codlingmoths · 30/01/2025 20:41

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:46

I think 3 dates were thrown around but this particular date was chosen, I will say in he is one of those people who doesn’t check and just commits then deals with the consequences.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

my office is a 10 minute walk away, I haven’t even had a why don’t you call in for an hour on your way home if you want (I work flexi so can finish early, the do starts at 4)

Sounds like there’s an important consequence he needs to deal with very quickly - the fact he has his kids that night he chose and needs to find someone to look after them.

commonsense61 · 30/01/2025 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Codlingmoths · 30/01/2025 20:40

sandyhappypeople · 30/01/2025 20:23

But he's said you're welcome to come, are you sure he's got the kids that night or have you just assumed with it being his normal night?

He hasn't actively invited you but I suspect he wants to go out and have a good time with his mates, which is a different vibe to going out with your mates and your partner.

But he shouldn't have just assumed you would look after the kids... can't you clarify it with him?

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Then he shouldn’t have gotten into a relationship from someone at his work and be organising parties for people his partner knows too should he??