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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
BriocheForBreakfast · 31/01/2025 08:55

Of course you should be going as you used to work there too. It will be a good chance to catch up with ex colleagues that you haven’t seen for a while. Your ‘D’P has made a big assumption that you are on hand to look after his kids whenever he wants to go out. He just arranged this and didn’t talk it through with you first? They’re his kids so it’s his responsibility to arrange the childcare.

Windowsand · 31/01/2025 08:55

Sceptical123 · 31/01/2025 08:04

This situation is symbolic of the cliche that men get involved with other women after a breakup to find a mother for their kids while they have them stay over. They can’t possibly, nor should be expected to look after their own children. They don’t want their ex to have them full time bc she’d win, also the bigger factor probably is 50-50 = reduced child support so they have best of both worlds when they find a mug woman willing to parent their kids for them while they maintain their childless lifestyle, even when they are supposedly looking after their own kids. Its the fucking assumption that a woman will always put kids first even when they’re not her own so they can rely on this or kick off when they are questioned, like OP’s partner.

Go out somewhere else OP - don’t let him mug you off.

Totally agree.

He's a real sneaky bastard too who obviously knows the OP is a complete mug.

Lead her to believe she's going so she's free, then drop on her she's his childcare.

Such spectacular presumptuousness and cheeky fxxkery...

This is what women get when men know they're desperate for any man.

Really sad.
You can imagine what the ex colleagues will think when she's not there and hear she's his childcare for the night🙄

Oh and not to mind how fxxking controlling it is to tell here where she can and cannot go 'cos she is his childcare.

That's controlling and abusive in my book.
Unbelievable.
Only on MN!

Twaddlepip · 31/01/2025 08:44

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

Does he often just allocate you as looking after his much-younger children so he can go out on his own? Maybe for hobbies? Other work nights? Seeing his mates for piss-ups on weekends his children are there?

I’d not push for an invitation any more, but I sure as fuck would not be looking after his kids. It’s his problem, he can rearrange that.

Sceptical123 · 31/01/2025 08:04

This situation is symbolic of the cliche that men get involved with other women after a breakup to find a mother for their kids while they have them stay over. They can’t possibly, nor should be expected to look after their own children. They don’t want their ex to have them full time bc she’d win, also the bigger factor probably is 50-50 = reduced child support so they have best of both worlds when they find a mug woman willing to parent their kids for them while they maintain their childless lifestyle, even when they are supposedly looking after their own kids. Its the fucking assumption that a woman will always put kids first even when they’re not her own so they can rely on this or kick off when they are questioned, like OP’s partner.

Go out somewhere else OP - don’t let him mug you off.

Sceptical123 · 31/01/2025 07:57

maryberryslayers · 31/01/2025 01:05

Even if you aren't invited to the party, why would he just assume you'd not make your own plans and would just stay in watching his kids? They aren't your responsibility. His kids, his problem to solve.

Do you usually let him walk all over you?

This

Sceptical123 · 31/01/2025 07:55

Babyghirl · 30/01/2025 23:29

And your reply is, your right you have the kids not me, have a great night sitting in, I have made plans with friends don't wait up.

Show quote history

Yes, I was going to say it sounds like he’s let OP assume she’s going order to keep her diary clear and dropped at the last moment that’s she’s looking after his kids before she can arrange a night out herself- that’s pretty calculated and deceitful. Why can’t he arrange a babysitter FFS? He’s had plenty of time to do so.

Silvertulips · 31/01/2025 07:22

Do you usually let him walk all over you?

You can see from OPs replies this is exactly what she does - I don’t mind having his kids - well you should - you have raised 2 already. He needs to organize his kids - you need to put your foot down - he’s a part time parent who swans around doing as he pleases - whilst you stay home like to good wife.

Plopandflop · 31/01/2025 04:08

I would be really mad

maryberryslayers · 31/01/2025 01:05

Even if you aren't invited to the party, why would he just assume you'd not make your own plans and would just stay in watching his kids? They aren't your responsibility. His kids, his problem to solve.

Do you usually let him walk all over you?

Charliecatpaws · 31/01/2025 00:51

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:52

usually for things like this he will swap with his ex or ask his mum but his ex is away and his dad has been unwell (he’s ok) so he didn’t want to add to his mums burden which is all fine, just am I being unreasonable to have expected him to speak to me about it rather than just not inviting me

Well he can pay a babysitter in that case

InWalksBarberalla · 30/01/2025 23:47

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:46

I think 3 dates were thrown around but this particular date was chosen, I will say in he is one of those people who doesn’t check and just commits then deals with the consequences.

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

my office is a 10 minute walk away, I haven’t even had a why don’t you call in for an hour on your way home if you want (I work flexi so can finish early, the do starts at 4)

Huh? Surely if he has his kids then he can't go? Not you.

Babyghirl · 30/01/2025 23:40

mistymorning12 · 30/01/2025 19:42

Just assume you’re invited and ask him if he’d lie you to sort out a sitter.

And why would op be sorting a babysitter out not her problem.

TraitorLinda · 30/01/2025 23:37

I’d be wondering if there’s anyone going that he wants to keep you away from?

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 30/01/2025 23:36

I did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

WHAT?! I had to read that twice. So because HE has HIS children, YOU can't go to the do?

Fuck that shit.

He's totally taking you for granted, the cheeky bastard.

Babyghirl · 30/01/2025 23:29

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:17

To be honest hadn’t really thought about it and assumed I was invited until I realised yesterday I wasn’t when I asked him about it and he said I was welcome but I know he has the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited

And your reply is, your right you have the kids not me, have a great night sitting in, I have made plans with friends don't wait up.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 30/01/2025 23:28

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:14

It also pissed me off that its been getting arranged for weeks, I’ve constantly heard the ins and outs of every detail, he equally shown me the invite which said 4-8pm, has gone on about some people just dropping in till 8 and the bar tab should last till then and then today (the day before) revealed that he was actually going on a big night out afterwards.

This tells you all you need to know.
He does not see you as his partner. He does not respect you. This likely isn't the first incident, but his actions definitely say he is not particularly attached.

Babyghirl · 30/01/2025 23:20

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 18:54

In that case he doesn’t really have a lot of choice does he? It’s not all about when your partner is available. He probably had to pick the date the majority could attend.

Show quote history

Tbh that's not ops problem, not her zoo not her monkeys.

MJconfessions · 30/01/2025 23:17

I think he doesn’t want you there on purpose, probs has a colleague he’s friendly with and doesn’t want you to clock on

Windowsand · 30/01/2025 22:56

Women wonder why they end up with selfish arseholes being treated badly....it's 'cos they accept treatment like this.

Tiredofallthis101 · 30/01/2025 22:53

I'd just tell him they're his kids, he needs to sort a babysitter or look after them. You will be out. He can either invite you to the party and find a babysitter or look after them himself whilst you go out with friends. Either way he needs to reflect on why he thought it was OK to ignore you and not invite you to the party.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2025 22:49

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 19:28

Sorry, I just wanted some perspective on whether I was being unreasonable to make an issue of it and for being miffed about it

Show quote history

So now you know what we think, what will you do?

NameChangedOfc · 30/01/2025 22:40

Yanbu. Are they going to a strip club or what?!
I agree with other pps: talk to him!

Dontbeme · 30/01/2025 22:39

I bet he was senior to you at work as his behavior smacks of treating you like a subordinate that has to do what she's told.

I would turn my phone off after work, go for a meal or cinema with friends and be in no hurry home, let him sort his own kids out and get a fucking reality check of what it's like to parent and not palm it off to the nearest uterus bearer. This would be relationship ending for me, it's so disrespectful.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 22:28

And totally-oi arsehole; I’m not looking after your kids whatever happens. I’m either coming to the do with you, or I’m going out with my kids, so you will need to find them a sitter or stay home as I am not available. This is entirely your fault due to the way you have approached this and your misogynistic attitude

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/01/2025 22:24

Onlyonekenobe · 30/01/2025 20:54

My second post, because I just can't wrap my head around this:

Your DH has something fun he wants to do.
This is something which ordinarily you would do together.
He wouldn't be able to go without paying for a babysitter, given his ex/mum aren't available.
So his solution is to stop you from doing the thing so that you can be his babysitter.
And he hasn't even talked to you about it, hasn't asked you if you'd mind, hasn't expressed any regret that you can't go or gratitude for looking after his DC.
He has just assumed that you will do this, and is living his life without thinking of you.

The utter lack of respect for you is blinding. I bet anything that this isn't the only time and way in which he disrespects you.

100% this ^^ nothing to add