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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP hasn’t invited me

317 replies

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:41

so I know this is silly and I just want some perspective if I am being unreasonable so do tell me if I am so I can get over it and not cause an issue over it.

So DP and I met 5 years ago working at the same company, I worked there for 5 years, he has worked there about 15 years, I left 2 years ago, he still works there.

one of our former colleagues has just retired, DP is his boss and I worked with him often and we still see him occasionally outside of work.

now DP has organised a big retirement do for this colleague, he has invited all sorts of people who we used to work with, current colleagues, ex colleagues, clients etc, arranged a quiz and done a speech, food money behind the bar etc, alls sounds great. However my issue is that DP has not invited me!

we have a blended family and he has his kids this night and he has just gone and arranged this do on this night he has his kids, not invited me and just assumes I’ll be home watching the kids.

now I have no issue with having them but I just feel like he has invited everyone our colleague used to work with and not me even though I know this colleague well and worked with him myself and maybe it would have been nice if he had considered me and said to me I know you would have liked to have come but it’s the only date that works so would you mind having the kids for me as I really need to be there instead of just assuming I’ll be at home minding the kids. I still speak to other ex colleagues from the same company who have been texting me asking if I’m coming and I feel quite hurt that I wasn’t even invited.

AIBU to be a bit miffed by this?

OP posts:
ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 30/01/2025 19:06

Hate to be harsh here but I'd be suddenly unavailable that evening. Other plans. He'll have to sort arrangements for HIS kids. And you should mind looking after HIS kids. They have 2 parents...

AlisonDonut · 30/01/2025 19:05

He has the kids so surely he is then one that can't attend?

Anon1274 · 30/01/2025 19:05

DemonicCaveMaggot · 30/01/2025 19:03

Would your 16 and 15 year old babysit the younger children? They are certainly old enough with sufficient age gap to make that reasonably imo.

I think this is missing the point though. I’m sure childcare could be arranged for the children. The ops point is that not only did he fail to invite her, he’s basically demanded that she stay in the house like a good little housekeeper and take care of the children who aren’t hers while he goes out on the piss

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2025 19:05

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:57

Yes I get that and I don’t mind helping him out I just think he could of spoke to me about it first instead of assuming as I would have liked to have gone so just wonder if I’m being unreasonable about being a bit miffed about it all

I'd be more than bloody miffed and I be asking what he was going to do about it!

diddl · 30/01/2025 19:04

i did ask him about it and he just said I have the kids so you can’t come

What an absolute arse.

Even if he couldn't arrange it for another night he shouldn't assume.

Tell him you're going & he needs to sort a babysitter for his kids.

Could your kids go elsewhere so that they can't be roped into babysitting?

44PumpLane · 30/01/2025 19:03

Honestly OP have a bloody conversation with him.

"I'm hurt you have just assumed I'll have your kids without even asking me. I would like to come to see ex colleagues and wish "retiring person" well. There are other options here and it was thoughtless of you to not even consult me"

Then you can choose whether you make a point on this occasion and actually say you're not having the kids and he can arrange a sitter, or you can tell him how you feel and then stay home with the kids, or you can tell him how you feel and suggest you drop in on the way home from work......basically use your words.

But YANBU!

DemonicCaveMaggot · 30/01/2025 19:03

Would your 16 and 15 year old babysit the younger children? They are certainly old enough with sufficient age gap to make that reasonably imo.

LouH1981 · 30/01/2025 19:02

Tell him you are looking forward to going and ask him who is looking after the children 👍🏻
This is his problem, not yours.

Nephthys21 · 30/01/2025 19:00

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 18:54

In that case he doesn’t really have a lot of choice does he? It’s not all about when your partner is available. He probably had to pick the date the majority could attend.

Do you mean he doesn't have any choice but to apologise that he has his kids and can't come to the retirement? Because unless OP agrees, why should he assume she'll provide child care to his children? What would he do if she wasn't free?

Anon1274 · 30/01/2025 18:58

I’d arrange a different night out with your friends. Or arrange to spend time with a family member and bring your own kids. And simply tell him ‘I’ll be out the night of the party so you’ll have to make arrangements for your children’.

Crushgrape · 30/01/2025 18:58

Yes he’s being unreasonable OP. “You can’t come you’ve got the kids” is just a bit icky for some reason. I agree with the other commenter saying maybe somethings going on behind your back but tbh I think that’s just because of similar mumsnet posts

RIPVPROG · 30/01/2025 18:58

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:54

probably should add that my kids are also here but they are 16 and 15 so I would have went if it was just them as they don’t really need looking after, his are 10 and 8

He's unreasonable for not inviting you and fluff shining you will be looking after his children. Having said that could you pay the 16 yo to babysit?

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:57

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 18:54

In that case he doesn’t really have a lot of choice does he? It’s not all about when your partner is available. He probably had to pick the date the majority could attend.

Yes I get that and I don’t mind helping him out I just think he could of spoke to me about it first instead of assuming as I would have liked to have gone so just wonder if I’m being unreasonable about being a bit miffed about it all

OP posts:
SidekickSylvia · 30/01/2025 18:56

"I have the kids, so you can't come." Did that make sense in his head? Or to you?
I would ask him to explain that line. It only makes sense if he thinks you're his servant.

CheeseyOnionPie · 30/01/2025 18:56

If he hasn’t said either way, and others have texted you about it, just assume you’re going and casually ask who he’s lined up to babysit that night.

PawsAndReflection · 30/01/2025 18:55

Not to derail but any chance he's shagging a co-worker? Confused

Wishitsnows · 30/01/2025 18:55

Could you get him to pay your kids to babysit?

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:54

probably should add that my kids are also here but they are 16 and 15 so I would have went if it was just them as they don’t really need looking after, his are 10 and 8

OP posts:
SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 18:54

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:52

usually for things like this he will swap with his ex or ask his mum but his ex is away and his dad has been unwell (he’s ok) so he didn’t want to add to his mums burden which is all fine, just am I being unreasonable to have expected him to speak to me about it rather than just not inviting me

In that case he doesn’t really have a lot of choice does he? It’s not all about when your partner is available. He probably had to pick the date the majority could attend.

Waterlooville · 30/01/2025 18:53

I wouldn't look after his kids that night. He takes you for granted.

Nephthys21 · 30/01/2025 18:53

The kids are his problem. He needs to find childcare and not just assume that you'll do it. Why should they even visit if they can't spend time with their dad?

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:52

usually for things like this he will swap with his ex or ask his mum but his ex is away and his dad has been unwell (he’s ok) so he didn’t want to add to his mums burden which is all fine, just am I being unreasonable to have expected him to speak to me about it rather than just not inviting me

OP posts:
FOJN · 30/01/2025 18:51

....so I know this is silly....

NO IT ISN'T SILLY. Your husband is being a selfish arse.

pictoosh · 30/01/2025 18:50

No this would cheese me right off. I think you ought to tell him what you think.
Be calm and matter of fact, don't give him anything he can turn into you starting an argument because he'll just use that to avoid addressing you. Be upfront but not confrontational. Tell him you're embarrassed to admit he hasn't invited you.

He assumed you'd miss out to take care of his kids. Hmm. I think he owes you an apology. He has been pretty clumsy.

Bigredchair · 30/01/2025 18:50

I honestly don’t mind having the kids and he should absolutely be going over me but I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable before I said something

OP posts: